I need a nanny.  Oh my dear Lord, I need a nanny.  One would think that defeats the whole point of being  a stay at home mom, but on the contrary, I think if there was someone to hand off the evil bits to, I would be so much of a better person for the kids.  As it is, I'm ripening and rotting on the vine.  So why does a stay-at-home mom need a nanny?  Because I'm old and contankerous and want to write more.  Of course, that means Nanny has to clean my house too.  That has got to be the most thankless task ever and if someone is getting paid to do it, at least there can be some kind of motivation and reward for the effort.   As it is, I invest all of this energy into it and I basically have kids wrecking what I just did while I'm in another room cleaning something else.  It's like sweeping a dirt floor...a complete exercise in futility.  The nanny could be paid and know it was worth her time.  I could also play with the kids while she works and she could take care of kids while I write.  It would be blissful.  So yeah, I need a nanny/housekeeper.  I'm interviewing and that's that.  Mind you, I don't have a dime to give them, but I'm interviewing.

My friend, Karen, said she wanted Mr French from "Family Affair."  I adore Sebastian Cabot and while Tim Currey does a wonderful job, Cabot's Mr French is the consummate gentleman's gentleman...but I'm not a gentleman and I'm afraid that if the Davis kids left Mr French rattled, mine would drive him out of town in a day.  Also, I know he'd be sniffing around, bitching in hoity-talk under his breath every time I leave the lid off of the peanut butter or put a cereal bowl in the sink without rinsing it out.  More bitching, I don't need.  So while this guy has my respect, he does not have my employ.

This took me to the possibility of Mrs Livingston from "The Courtship of Eddie's Father."  She stayed out of sight for the most part, kept the place clean, cooked like a champ (that would be such a bonus) and taught Eddie a bit about Eastern Philosophy, so she could entertain Eric sometimes as well.  She was very sweet and attentive and never interfered.  She'd be a great contender except for that whole thing about calling Bill Bixby "Mr Eddie's Father."  I don't think I could hang with being called, "Mrs. Joe David Joshua Delena Dylan Nathan's Mother."  If Bill Bixby wanted the job, I could hire him in a second, especially if he could turn into The Hulk and kick ass when required.  Sadly, he's not applying.  It could be that whole 'dead' thing.

Then I thought of Hazel, who took care of the Baxter family.  She has the same New England accent as my Gram-in-Law, who I adore and she did a fine job of keeping things clean and taking care of the kids.  Sadly, she was a bit too interfering and kind of had that Amelia Bedelia thing going on and God knows more chaos is NOT what I need in my life.  Plus, she always seemed a little too close to Mr B for my tastes.

Next, I thought of Daphne Moon who takes care of the Crane men on Fraiser.  She psychic, so we could definitely connect on that level.  I've been to England and while she is from Manchester and I was in Ipswich, we could still have intelligent conversation about the UK and miss decent fish and chips together.  She is very witty and fun to be around, quick-minded and a good worker.  I don't know her experience with children, but she had a lot of brothers, so she can deal with boys.  I don't have any concerns about how hot she is because she seems wholly devoted to Niles.  She could definitely be a contender, but I'd like more kid experience.

Thought about Mrs Garrett from "Diff'rent Strokes" and "Facts of Life," but she's got that interfering, bitchy thing going on and I'm just not into.  She also seems too easily shocked and that won't fly around my house.  I also think her voice would drive me crazy.  She's flexible and had to take a lot of crap from Arnold and Willis, so she gets points for that.  I have a feeling she'd talk my leg off and while companionship and nurturing would be a big bonus, constant chattering would drive me insane.

Of course, Mrs Garrett's successor, Pearl, would also have to be considered, but she seemed a bit too vapid and weepy for me.  I don't want to be depressed and ditzy people aggravate the hell out of me if I'm having a bad day.  No, my nanny must be capable, patient, nurturing, sharp and funny.  Pearl was great with the kids, but she just doesn't have the toys I want to play with in the attic.  Not her fault, she's just not right for my job.  I must be intellectually stimulated as well as have a clean house and tended children.

Next was the handmaiden on one of my favorite shows growing up, "The Ghost and Mrs Muir," Martha Grant.  She was a dear friend to Carolyn Muir and did a fine job taking care of her children.  She could tell me tons of stories about my childhood (oh, screw it, my CURRENT) heartthrob, Captain Daniel Gregg and I'll bet she's a really, really great cook.  She seems nurturing, but she's just (God, Martha, I'm so sorry to say it) got no pizazz!  The hat really helps and snappy dressing is a must, but it doesn't make up for the grim persona that seemed to haunt her.

Next on the block is Alice who took care of the Bradys for all those years.  She's definitely competent, but seems a bit emotionally unpredictable.  That's an understatement, I realize, because to me, she always looked like she was about a quarter second away from a complete mental breakdown.  She had to adjust to a lot of changes over the years, including getting a whole new face for the movies, but in either incarnation, she was just a little to nutsy for me.  I think Sam the Butcher was a serial killer as well.

In the case of Mr Belvedere, please see Mr French above, but through in a really smart mouth (fine line, buddy) and not quite as cute.  While Mr French by and large kept his condescending thoughts to himself, Mr Belvedere left them hanging out for all to see drying on the line and I'm not up for that.  Most of all, this person will have to work closely with me in the home and must not be prone to pissing me off on a regular basis.  I don't think Mr Belvedere could manage this and I also don't think he's as good of a cook as Mr French.

Of course, the obvious person to consider is The Nanny herself, Fran Fine.  She just couldn't possibly be any hotter, she's funny as all hell, she LOVES to shop, she has awesome taste in clothes, she's totally outrageous and I adore her.  In "Beautician and the Beach," where she played the same role, she proved she's great with kids and could fix my hair on a regular basis.  She has so much going for her that she would seem the perfect choice.  Her only drawbacks are that voice and the fact that I really don't think she could keep up with my kids and my mess.  I'd love to have her for a best buddy, though.

A nanny search would never be complete without considering Tony Micelli from "Who's the Boss."  He's definitely the finest looking candidate on the list and when the kids aren't around (pfft, which is never), I'd have to force him to work nekkies.  He's great with kids and seemed to keep the place fairly clean.  He has a thing for older women and certainly had that Joey Tribiani charm going on before there was a Joey Tribiani.  Sadly, I'd have to pass because of the dumb factor again.  As I've been working through this dilemma, I've determined that part of what I need in this nanny is a nanny for ME, so the person who takes this job also has to be wise and nurturing in addition to a crackerjack housekeeper and perfect child caregiver.

So considering all of those required qualifications:  Must be nurturing, loving, eccentric, Witchy is a bonus, fun, witty, productive, definitely good to my kids and particularly, a live in pal for me, I have to pick my favorite nanny of all time, Phoebe Figalilly from "Nanny and the Professor."  She was a sharp dresser, smart as a whip, could work wonderful magic with her mind, was the most loving and wise human alive and went on to become one of the coolest Witches on daytime TV, Tabitha from Passions.  Plus, she's breathed the same air as Dorian Lord when Dorian was Hecuba!  She's exceptionally pretty, doesn't take any crap off of anyone, is a great cook, has really interesting ways of getting even and has fantastic tastes in men (Richard Long was f-i-n-e fine).  Yep.  That's it.  I want Phoebe and I want her now.  I want her bad.  If there is any justice in the world, she'll knock on my door any minute and be ready for work.  Hey, it happened in Mary Poppins.  Surely, it could happen here.

(Dear God, let it happen here before I lose my mind).  In case you've forgotten:

This seems to have become the soundtrack to my life.  His new word is "nook."  "Nook, mama, nook, nook, NOOK!!!"  (look).  I can be nooking with all my might and still he'll keep screaming for me to nook at whatever it is he wants me to nook at.  It could be two inches from my eyes and he's still shrieking for me to nook at whatever the nookable thing might be.  It's making me crazy...absolutely batshit.  If I could just have one, tiny dollar for every time I hear the word "nook" in a month, I could definitely afford Phoebe.  Meanwhile, it's just me, Nathan and this big roll of duct dape.

*sigh*  What's a mom to do?