Comments through June 20, 2003
(Spoilers?  Yep, one or two, here and there.)  

“You can’t have my baby,” Carly cried.

“I didn’t snatch Carly,” Ric lied.

“Don’t blame my husband,” Liz begged.

“It’s Ric, he’s guilty,” Jason has him pegged.

“Cut me in on the scheme,” Alcazar phoned.

“Can’t get any MOB action,” Faith moaned.

“No help from the cops,” Scotty gloated.

“Please keep Carly safe,” Sonny emoted.

“My wedding’s ruined,” Courtney despaired.

“Ric took my mommy,” Michael declared.

Carly and baby are stuck in a room.

Sealed up tight, just like a tomb.

All of P.C. searches in vain,

Cause Sonny’s brother has gone insane 

If it weren’t for the fact that Ric is so sick, twisted, evil (I’m running out of adjectives for this guy), I’d almost feel sorry for him.  Carly truthfully informed him at the beginning of the week, “I’m more than you can handle Ric.”  I agree with Carly.  She almost reached through Ric’s mental maze when she calmly explained to him that he couldn’t bring home a strange baby and expect Liz to accept it as hers.  “What are you going to do?  Bring it home and say, ‘Look what I found.  Want to keep it?’”  Almost…for a second…Ric seemed to consider the possibility that Liz won’t forgive him for kidnapping a pregnant woman and stealing her baby, but then he snapped back into the Sonny owes me and must be punished mindset.  Oh, and he’d appreciate it if Carly would leave Elizabeth out of this and not mention her name.  Apparently, he didn’t review the kidnapper’s manual that says all bets are off with the kidnappee including polite conversation, especially if the kidnappee is Carly.

First Carly attempted a more traditional persuasional approach.  

Didn’t work, so she tried throwing food. 

How creepy is it that Ric kisses and cuddles with Liz on the love couch in the living room knowing that Carly’s watching on the monitor in the den of doom?  My favorite spoiler this week came from GHH2 that said Liz and Carly meet up in the panic room.  This could be really, really good because depending on Liz’s reaction, it might crack the door open between Sonny, Carly, Jason and Liz.  Not that I’m wishing Jason would suddenly dump Courtney and run back to Liz, but it might open some lines of communication and revisit the original friendship between Jason and Liz which I liked.

Voyeurism only backwards. 

Wasn’t Ric nice, making sandwiches for Carly with little toothpicks in them?   

When I read the spoiler that said Carly gets a shock, it didn’t occur to me that Carly really gets shocked by electricity.  Having no clue how a shock like that would affect a pregnant woman, I had to call my brother, which I really hate to do because before I can ask my medical questions, I have to endure the laughter over what’s happening in soapland.  But because I am so dedicated and I knew you guys would be burning with curiosity like me (please do not burst my bubble here, play along and act interested) I sucked it up and asked him.  In the words of my brother, the best doctor in the world, “Getting shocked with electricity is a crap shoot.”   Voltage, length of shock, what the person is touching when the shock occurs and even how much water is running through a person’s system all affect the damage or lack of to the shock victim or the shock victim’s unborn baby.  So next week, ten minutes after Carly regains consciousness and appears fine, we’ll know reality hasn’t been suspended completely.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!  Ouch! 

In the hospital after the almost wedding, Jason advised Sonny that he should think about contacting the police regarding Carly’s disappearance.  Kidnapping is a federal crime so police involvement means FBI input.  I looked for the joke and then I tried to recall the Alien-Invades-Jason’s-Body storyline but neither was evident.  Since when do Sonny and Jason consider calling the cops for assistance?  During the years I’ve been watching GH the standard procedure has been to work around the nuisance police as Sonny and Jason alternately attempt to solve crimes or commit them.  Sidestepping corrupt Scotty, Sonny gave an interview and made a public appeal on television.  Now that’s the type of maneuvering I appreciate and to which I am accustomed.    

Coming soon to a theater near you, Rosie, Superdog of the Skies – Protector of the Power of Good.   

I predict a successful run for Michael on GH since he’s already picked up the art of eavesdropping.

Michael gathers info, soap style. 

Remember a week or so ago when I laughed about Jason having to stop choking Ric because his cell phone rang and of course he had to answer it?  In the previews for Monday’s show Liz is holding a gun on Jason and he’s answering the telephone again.  It’s Courtney calling to inform him that Michael named Ric as Carly’s kidnapper.  A serious mental condition called Cellu-phonitis appears to be sweeping the nation, maybe the world.  Isn’t it cool of GH to break new ground and bravely address this serious condition?  Can you hear me now?

“Don’t make me shoot you.”

Gimme a break!  Like Liz could shoot Jason. 

I laughed when Jason threatened Faith on the docks and Faith dutifully replied that of course she would contact Jason or Sonny should she learn anything about Carly’s disappearance.  I laughed because I knew inside she was thinking, “Oh goody goody, I have a reason to visit my buddy Ric.”  In her very next scene, we saw her skipping happily up the path to Ric’s house.  OK, so she didn’t skip, but she was knocking on Ric’s door.  

Surprising me with her ability to learn, Faith made her usual hateful insulting remarks to Liz who responded with the typical smack attack.  But this time Faith grabbed Liz’s arm and refused to take the hit.  Good for her.  She may be a trash talkin’, ain’t got no sense, MOB wannabe harridan, but that doesn’t mean she should offer her face as a sacrifice to women of P.C. who can’t take a few insults.  Faith always starts the trouble and Carly, Courtney, Emily and Liz have slapped her.  But all she craves is a little power, some fear when she strolls into a room, men worshiping the ground she walks on and some respect.  Is that too much to ask?

“Ah, ah, ah,” Faith tells Liz.  “No more patty cake on my face.” 

For the record, when bowling shirts went out of style back in say…early 60’s?  They lost popularity for a good reason.  Because they were ugly!  Could someone please contact GH wardrobe and clue them in?  I’m going to complain to Dayna, The EOS Fashion Police, if they don’t improve on the guy’s hair and shirts.  Dillon’s hair in particular looks odd, sorta like they styled the top and forgot the underneath layer.  I’ll take the previously popular chia pet cut any day over the lack of personal hygiene look.  And while I am suggesting improvement, definitely no more bowling shirts.  Also, if Jason must always wear t-shirts, can they be slightly more form fitting?  If I can’t see a chest, can I see a definition of a chest?

Every time I see this shirt, it gets uglier.

  Give him a “Do”.  Give him a comb.  Do something!

Courtney pleads, “Please Jason, take off the shirt.”

Jason informs Courtney, “No, I only bare my chest once every six months. 

Summer and Lucky were the couple, but Summer and Luke interacted on a deeper level.  She felt bad for Luke even though he waved a knife in her face.  She uncuffed him in the hospital.  But then she deliberately misled Luke into thinking that Laura was being treated at Ferncliff where Luke was forced to play humble subject to Dr. Cam’s God Complex because Lucky signed commitment papers.  She told Lucky he was wrong to cage his demented dad and she visited Luke at Ferncliff.  I don’t blame Luke for behaving badly at that point since Cameron was in his face telling him that he was feeling the wrong emotions.  “I just want to find my wife.  Where’s the crime?”  Luke roared back truthfully.   

It’s not that I think Luke’s actions are sane and reasonable, they aren’t, but I can’t see him surviving in a psych ward for more than a day.  Those were my sympathetic thoughts all week until Friday when Luke’s head appeared among the boulders on Spoon Island.  (I immediately thought of the head Sage and his friend pass back and forth.  If you don’t know about “The Head” and want a hilarious read, click HERE.)  On Friday, Luke struck me as crazy and dangerous.  As though the fan belt connecting the wheels in his head has slipped and some wheels are spinning too fast while others have ceased turning, he’s either going to crash or hurt someone, specifically Summer.  Emily showed up just in time to save Summer from being tossed off the cliff by Luke.  Luke wandered off into the weird fog looking old and tired and then Emily faded into the fog as well leaving Summer vulnerable to Stefan’s murderous lackey.  Bye-bye Summer.

How creepy to see Luke’s head resting among the boulders. 

In residence on Spoon Island for only two weeks and he’s attempted murder.  How very trite and overdone of Stefan.  Unless Stefan planned Emily’s demise as a show of power to Nicholas, that no one he loves is safe unless Nicholas complies with Stefan’s wishes for the Cassadine empire.  On the other hand, if Emily had died, Nicholas could declare that he’s free of emotional ties so he could drop kick his princely duties whenever he wanted.  Over all, I think murder within two weeks is too wicked, too soon.  Lydia, perhaps, should have done the cliff plotting.  Then she could team up with Faith and together they could plan to rule all of Port Charles.  (Insert evil laugh here.)  The irony being that Stefan is scheming to break up Nicholas and Emily for the good of the Cassadine empire while Nicholas and Emily, only pretending to be a couple, are scheming to push away Zander for his own good.  And as we all know “for his own good” portends anger and unhappiness for the characters involved.

Lydia tries the diner and then tries to suck up to Alexis. 

“My Uncle has a motive for which side of the cup he sips from.  So proceed with caution.” Nicholas cynically advised Lydia.  The contrast between the arrogant Prince and tender Nicholas with Emily entrances me.  “I’m putting the top down because I can’t have you barfing in the Jag,” Nicholas told Emily trying to make her smile after a bout with nausea.  Probably, by the time Emily finishes breaking Zander’s heart, I’ll be ready to accept Emily and Nicholas and that’ll be just about the time Emily decides she can’t live without Zander.  I’m rooting for Monica at this point who chastised Emily for using her cancer as an excuse to cruelly send Zander to the reject pile and Monica refuses to play along any further. 

I could easily become used to these two, but I’m trying hard not to. 

What happened to the charges against Zander for the murder of Angry John?  And what happened to Zander’s big back story involving his father and the suicide of his brother?  Were the hunting cap scenes and a few spats between Dr. Cam and Zander The Story?  Let’s ditch the teen story, which has pulled zero interest from me and allow Zander and his dad to interact more intensely.  

Skye sucking up to Ned and declaring him The Keeper of All Good Manly Traits does not elicit a positive reaction in me.  And how weird was it of Ned to fall on the couch kissing her madly?  Ned did deliver one of my favorite lines this week when he told Dobson, “Look, Dobson, we all know you’re a spy and a suck up who can’t hold his liquor.”  Yeah Ned, and the rest of us know that Dobson is Alexis and you’re really dumb to not have figured it out yet.

Edward said it well when he told them, “Stop that.  It’s almost incest.” 

When I wanted to avoid cleaning my daughter’s room, an urgent need swept through me to search the ‘net seeking the definition of a butler.  That way I can understand Dobson’s duties, other than spying on Ned and Skye.  A job description from one of the butler websites (yes, there really are butler websites) stood out. 

”Formally trained, or highly experienced, the Butler supervises other domestic staff; serves meals and other refreshments; answers the door and phone; organizes table and room set-ups for entertainment and/or dining; can be called upon for valet duties and P.A. functions in smaller households.  He would generally be expected to monitor and maintain all the equipment within his remit.  This could include the wine cellar for example.

A professional Butler would take on board all the entertainment duties in a household.  In short the employer and his wife, apart from the occasional meeting with him, would expect the Butler to run their household with very little input from them.”

Dobson the suck up hovers in the front hall ready to open the door or mail. 

Wow!  I do all that stuff in my house only I don’t wear white gloves or possess a wine cellar.  Plus, I work free.  Now I understand that it’s Dobson’s job to hover near the front door.  I thought Alexis was keeping her escape route open in case Alice loses control and tries to drag her to the coat closet for a romantic interlude. 

It’s not a complaint exactly, more like a plaintive plea.  “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now.  Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.”  Recognize it?  It’s a drug commercial for holding it when you gotta go!  I wish they would quit airing this commercial because I can be perfectly happy cleaning or talking to my kids, then I hear that tune and I gotta go even if I didn’t have to a few seconds before.  I feel like a Pavlov dog being programmed.  There’s some deeply buried subliminal message in there and they’re probably working a deal with Depends as we speak.  My fingers haven’t gone stomp to their marketing department yet.  Really, what would I say, “Stop playing that song, I don’t wanna go?”  Maybe they can sell the subliminal programming to other companies.  Think what a boon it would be to say…Slimfast, Viagra (Oh, can’t go there.  Someday I am going to write a whole column on what I think of Viagra), Orgasmic Herbal Essence…I’m sure you get the drift here.  Well, I gotta go (and I don’t mean to the powder room).  I gotta vacuum.  May your General Hospital time fulfill your soapy soul this week.  And if it doesn’t, hit your e-mail buttons and let your fingers do some talking!  Thanks for reading.   

Oh, and don’t forget to vote for Sage as scoopster extraordinaire at GH Rocks.  Click on the link, it’ll take you there.  http://groups.msn.com/GeneralHospitalRocks/2003rockyawards.msnw 

http://www.internetbumperstickers.com/

Photo credit for this week:  http://groups.msn.com/GHWorld3/shoebox.msnw

Try it, you’ll like it.  Great site! 

Go to the top floor, down the hall to your left, last door on your right.

That’s where I am this week in my dreams.  It’s quiet and I have a computer,

TV with GH feed and no telephones.