Add Some Sage, Dahling, and it will tase just wonderful! Then let's scoop the latest ABC dish!! De-lish!!

Sage Bourland is our rumor technician here at Eye On Soaps. Sage will be combing the message boards, rumor pages, soap mags and set leaks for all of the choicest tidbits to pass along to you. Got a good rumor? Send it to Sage ! Please remember, rumors are just rumors and reflect what is being said around and about. They are NOT to be taken as spoilers or fact! It's all just girl gossip! Sage welcomes your letters and comments, but please, check any nastiness at the door. Sage is a peaceful warrior.

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Darlings, I have been having computer woes and Earthlink woes (not only was service sporadic at very best, but when I attempted to leave the grasping, clinging, vengeful little bastards, then threatened to slap a $150 "early termination fee" on me. I set up my account by phone and NEVER did the little woman who did it mention that I was locked in for a year! So here I am in a loveless marriage to a faithless Internet server) and Mom woes and cat woes (Merlin did NOT win the Skunk vs Merlin wars and he was fully embittered at the tomato juice bath - not to mention having to run out and buy 6 cans of tomato juice at something like $8 a can - and it wasn't all that effective to boot AND he evidently did not appreciate the spraying because he is also covered in claw marks that demanded a peroxide and Neosporin treatment) and sister woes (Rosie decided to visit out of the blue for a weekend with no kids and no husband and no explanation, just chaotic energy in her wake. She always comes over and moves the furniture when she's upset about something, jacking up my feng shui - which I insist on pronouncing "feng shewie" instead of the artsy "fung schway" just to be odd - in the house and necessitating time and effort to *sigh* move it back when she's gone, which she thankfully is. I must confess that I was happy to find my car keys - I've been using mom's which I hate because mine have the little clicky thing that locks the doors and opens the trunk by remote - and my Marge Simpson Pez Dispenser (Marge is my Goddess! She is so mentally ill and puts on such a front of normalcy. I adore her - when she moved the sideboard that we keep the herbs and resins in. Rosie's gone again and we presume she's safe and sound at home with the fam. I'll call later and check in with her) and VCR woes (so I've missed a couple of shows) and plumbing woes (pipe broke under the house, flooded the yard and the sheds and I'm many dollars lighter and have a nicely green lawn) and last but not least, sleep woes because we have mice or birds or some other nocturnally active set of creatures with claws trapped in the wall behind my bed. I'm thinking of making a whole in the dry wall big enough to slip Merlin into and wishing them the best. One more night of skritch, skritch, skritch and Sage "Die Without 8 Solid Hours of Night-Night" Bourland will be in the funny farm.

Mark your calendars for Friday, May 31! That is when Sage's favorite bad girl will purr her way back into Pine Valley again! Put your hands together for ARLENE VAUGHN (the crowd goes wild). Loved Kate's suggestion that she come back married to Billy Clyde. If only the writers could be that creative...and fortunate!

WTF? Roger Smythe tongues Simone??? (Is she the mythical Sandra?) Way to come back with a bang (*ahem*) Mark Pinter!!

Rrroowwwll. *pant*pant*pant*. Now that you guys have seen me with my "pants" down, you must know that the rumors of AMC working to woo back the beautiful Scotty, Ian Buchanan are so, so true. There are a few snags like IB only wanting a 3 month contract and AMC wanting to nail him for longer (I can relate to that feeling) and the fact that when Duke died, through the miracle of plastic surgery, he looked like another actor, Greg Beecroft, so why does he look like Ian again? More surgery?

Still no word on when Anna Stewart will debut as Green's mommy. She has tied up her fill in for Linda Dano over on OLTL and we should get a confirmation of first airdate soon.

I'm hearing now that rumors of a Gloria Marsh return have been denied by AMC.

*Swish!* ABC and Soap Opera Digest confirm that the rumor of Megan McTavish taking over the Head Writer's job for AMC is a HOAX! Damn. . .my heart is finally beating again. I had already planned a Monica Quartermaine style funeral for AMC.

How perfect that Maggie/Frankie's birthdays are April 29th. They are soooo Taurus!~

OLTL

Blair finds out what Todd has done the week of the live airing, May 13-17. By all accounts, the live airing should be hilarious.

John-Paul (does he have a brother named George-Ringo?) Lavoisier will be playing the role of Rex, Natalie/Jessica's half-brother, same Roxy, different Dad. No air date yet.

Also, as usual, GH is the rumor horse of the column. Lots of it, so let's get to it.

For all of you Non-Sexis people out there, it's time to exhale. New Old Head Writer, Bob Guza *HATES* the Sonny and Alexis pairing and it will NOT be long lived. Guza has always liked the Sonny and Carly pairing he created and the only roadblock to the reunion is the personal time TB had to take. She's back the end of May, beginning of June area and the reunion is imminent.

Look for a Ned-Alexis reunion, but not before Alexis has the chance to walk in on Kristina and Ned in the act (ew - what IS the trend with these voyeur moments?). Kristina and Zander are a GO and as nearly as I can tell, so are Jason and Liz.

Sarah is out of there and there is the possibility (OH MY GOD!!!) of a Lucky Gia pairing. Remember how Nikki loves those older women? He might just win the heart of THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN PORT CHARLES when/if she returns.

On that front, the signs are even stronger that Vanessa Marcil is coming back BUT I really want to caution against throwing parties yet. She is notoriously flaky and tends to back out at the very last second, so believe it when you see it on screen.

The cross? You know which cross. Yes, it's new. It is of some significance to Maurice Benard and his wife.

May 10th is the Ned-Kristina sex-fest. It will be shown in a montage with Jax and Skye sex and AJ and Courtney sex. Guza's back in the house! You can tell because people are doing it EVERYwhere! Remember all those Bobbie and Jerry and Bobbie and Roy scenes? Guza likes sex!

Speaking of the Goozman, it appears that most of the frantic rewrites and tweaking you've been seeing on screen are the work of Charles Pratt under the direction of Bob Guza. Sounds like an EP to me. Bring on the announcement that JFP is about to flee!

Helena is back soon! CT has been filming and rumor is that she returns as Helena's twin, the good twin who is out to dupe PC into believing she's nothing like her wicked sister who is sitting in Statesville!

To answer the numerous letters asking this question: It is my impression that what we've been watching on GH for the past two weeks or so has been the work of Bob Guza for the most part. I know, I know, a number of people who are supposedly "in the know" have been writing to tell me otherwise, but his fingerprints are all over it. I stand by that.

I do apologize for being out of commission for so long. We had a death in the family that had some long-reaching effects and it was time to put family first.

If you have not been over to The Eye Awards to cast your vote, scurry your shapely butt over there and be heard! Remember to only vote once per category (subsequent votes from the same person are not tallied, so padding for your fave is not only lame and shows no faith in your patron star, but is also wholly ineffective), however, if you voted for Hottest Gal on GH within a couple of days of the awards going up, PLEASE go back and vote again because the question crashed and all statistics were lost.

Has Vanessa been priceless or what? Just when you think the whole Proteus story can’t take another turn, you hear the rolly coaster engage and we’re off again. I KNEW that Trey guy was up to the Devil’s work and had an agenda of his own. WHAT a cutie this guy is! As a lot of you East Coasters may know, Trey is often the nickname for someone with the familial suffix of III, as in James Henry Kennington III, so who knows what this guy’s name really is. I’m looking at the JKH on his cuff and my head seizes up trying to place a name to the monogram. My bet is that he’s a long lost heretofore unknown brother of David or David and Leo. Whether it is Vanessa’s child or David’s father’s child (it’s going to be a weird twist to be Leo’s father’s son) I can’t fathom, but I’m getting a family connection vibe in a big way.

For those AMC fans who were not GH viewers (now or) during the Anna years, I want to assure you that you are watching a slip of a shadow of her former self. I think her balls were blown off of her in that yacht explosion. In the past, she would never have been as namby pamby and slimy as she is with David and Jackson and Chris. Anna was (although this is not saying much, now that I think of it) one of the best law enforcement agents in daytime TV at one time. The World Security Bureau (for which she was actually a double agent) was her training ground and that led into a post as co-Chief of Police of Port Charles with husband, Robert Scorpio. Now it seems she just kind of runs into walls trying to figure out what she’s supposed to be doing. I am, however, grateful that she offered the job to Chris and got him to accept. He does “vital and useful” so much better than “helpless and pathetic.” In fact, let’s humor ourselves and look at Jack Scalia for a few minutes:

When Katrina and I were putting together the Eye Awards last week, we had toyed with a category of “Line You’d Most Like to Say on a Soap.” We ran out of ideas (it was toward the end of the night and the ideas were becoming as scarce as our liquor and herb supply and I think the ideas ran out first, but I can’t really remember) and canned the category, but it didn’t matter because Katrina had already come up with the definitive winner, which was looking right into Ryan’s eyes and saying, “You are every bit as good as your Dad, Baby.” Rrrooowwwllll! Gives me a kind of special feeling just thinking about it. Sage shifts around and brings his computer desk back down to the floor. Ahem.

Did you catch how Old Palmer is playing hard to get with Opal but really wants to jump her bones like mad?

Can you even believe that Ryan had to practically beg Kendall to sleep with him? What’s the world coming to?

Good news about Greenlee getting a mommy in the form of Anna Stuart (from Another World – were it not for ABC, the displaced cast of AW would be on food stamps). I think you’ll like her and I think she’ll be great in this role.

And next on the runway, we have Leo duPres wearing John Travolta, circa 1977. I can tell by the way he uses his walk that he’s a woman’s man, no time to talk. Definitely cute, but I’m going to wait it out for David in Danny Zuko-wear with Leo, Ryan and Trey as his T-Birds.

Cheers to Marcy Walker for having the guts to let AMC make-up really hag her out for her stint as a trashed out post-op Liza. Ladies, I’m telling you, correct make up is everything! Most of these soap divas you would not recognize if you met them on the street without their layers and layers of sedimentary make up. Any of you could look like any of them if you had a personal trainer, a professional make-over staff at your disposal and a weekly 5 figure salary as motivation. They aren’t goddesses, they’re you an airbrush and acting classes.

Back to Marcy, who has been beyond brilliant in this latest story, as has Amelia Heinle as Mia. I caught my breath for a minute at hearing that Liza had a brain tumor, thinking one of my most favorite actresses might be lost, but lo and behold, as promised, she just got an even better story AND we got to see Stuart AND with Marian hitting the sauce, we might see even more of them! Thank ye, Great Soap Gods!

More virgins sacrificed in gratitude to the Soap Gods (don’t worry, Ves, you’re safe you little money maker, you), the worst story of all OLTL history appears to be OVER in one swoop of Al rising from his chair. Can we now please get Jenn where she belongs (Where DOES this girl get her money? Does Sammy have a stipend for her or something?)? Like wearing an apron and mopping up puked up chili fries at Roadi’s? Speaking of putting people where they belong:

ATTENTION!! *clap*clap* Attention, everyone!! Line up for your placement assignments! No fussing, no bickering, no swapping and certainly no throwing things at Sage. Jessica is with Seth The Handsome Yet Benign and is the twin Viki didn’t know she had and Roxie was convinced she birthed in a drunken stupor. Natalie is with Al and both finally get their heads on straight and decide to lose their scheming ways. Asa is with Renee. Blair is despondent after learning Todd lied to her and gives him the heave ho (Heaving him right to that Ho, Tea DelGado Manning), gives Sam a little change of religion in some glorious mutual mourning sex, but hating themselves in the mourning, Blair is surprised to find herself strangely attracted to bad boy David Vickers who has returned to town. Pissed at being dismissed so banefully, Todd (again) puts Kelly in charge of The Sun before he leaves but Blair says, “Pffft” and buys back Melador with part of the money she siphoned from Todd before he left. Kelly has multiple clashes with Gabrielle, much to our pleasure. Kevin returns to follow Kelly, but looks like Kevin Stapleton instead of Tim Gibbs. Joe comes back to see why Kevin was taking so long to go out for cigs and he looks like Nathan Fillian and reminds Kelly that he once was really hot. Kevin is assed out until he runs across Sophia Pellagrino while doing a story on paraplegia. He brings her back to Llanview and gets Al to teach her to walk. Romance strikes yet again since this is one female in Llanview’s history that Kevin did not yet knock boots with who did not birth him. Viki integrates Niki so not only does Ben have his Blondie, but also has a woman who is definitely not afraid to get her freak on behind closed doors. Having found love at last, Niki happily settles into a more interesting Viki. Antonio and Keri settle down to make a bunch of chocolate latte extra light babies. When Carlotta finds out that Keri is expecting her old fears resurface when she fears that the babies might be like Grandpa RJ and she confronts RJ in her fear and anger who in return, confronts her about the stick up her butt and in a weird moment, they collapse into a clothes-tearing, tongue probing fit of May-December passion. Inspired by his brother’s “can do” attitude, Hank looks up his ex-wife, Sheila and hauls her back to Llanview to rekindle their passion. Dorian sails back into town from her “cruise,” during which she and Drake Faraday discovered that Mel had survived the crash and swam to a nearby island and waited for years to be saved. Drake, ever the gentleman, bowed out to true love and as was stunned to find old nemesis, Alex Olanov, in town. He seduces her to get back at her, then ends up falling in love. Devastated at losing Nora and screwing up a good thing with Blair, Sam grabs his waitress daughter and they leave town for parts unknown and uncared. Lindsay stays in prison and is only seen for prison battery scenes. Bo is drawn to Gabrielle since she is the only Llanview female he has not married or been engaged to at one time and they have a sappy relationship. Cris is devastated that his second rich girl (not counting Roseanne, who was given a bajillion dollars by Tea) turned out to be a waitress and rekindles his affair with Blair behind David Vicker’s back who is secretly trying to locate his (not)sister Tina. Max leaves town to finally be with his damned kids and act like a real man, but since he has to have a bedroom to stay in, Dylan Moody returns to Llanview to run Serenity Springs and take his shirt off a lot. Allison is carted off to jail and Roxie takes Jenn’s job at Roadi’s and is a source of “but for the grace of good breeding and old money there go I” terror for everyone else in Llanview.

Rumors. Rumors are not spoilers. Spoilers usually happen. Rumors are what fly around when you little minxes put your keyboards together and start gossiping. So when I tell you something is “rumored,” don’t get your thongs all wadded up your butt and start bitching at me when it doesn’t happen. Here is what I know about Sonny and Carly:

Yes, it’s my understanding that Sonny and Carly are getting back together for May Sweeps. Yes, I know that Tamara Braun is going to be gone for some of May. NO, Guza does not hate Tamara Braun. For Chrissake people, he just GOT there. He did not maliciously write TB off to replace her with Sarah Brown. Sarah Brown herself says she is not returning to GH. There is already a Carly on GH. Get used to her. TB had to take time off without notice for a family emergency and there was not enough time to find a recast (and I’m sure they were gun shy after the last Carly recast was so totally bumbled), so they, meaning Guza who (unlike *some people* who Totally Come Unhinged and Freeze Like a Deer Caught In Headlights When Asked to Rewrite End Game Post-9/11 and Frig It Up Beyond Belief) thought fast and crashed Carly’s car, which will be the catalyst to what??? Bring Sonny and Carly back together in a “Life’s Too Short” kind of way. If it’s delayed out past May, it’s because of the unavoidable casting crisis of TB’s family emergency, but it WILL happen. Don’t worry about Mikey. My instincts say that either Sonny or Carly has him stowed away to keep AJ away from him. Remember that now that AJ is married, Edward is all froggy to grab Michael back and if Carly has an accident and he’s in Sonny’s care, that’s going to be mayhem. I can definitely see Sonny heading it off at the pass with a Safe Play House for Mikey.

Brace yourself. The rumors are getting stronger that Angela Shapiro will be choosing her successor as Head of ABC Daytime herself. You don’t want to hear the rest of this. Let’s just say that the rumors of Guza (or someone else) being brought on as EP of GH are not likely to be read as bad news for JFP. Since Shapiro is a key reason (possibly even the star of the barnyard porn JFP has used to remain employed at ABC) JFP has been able to remain bulletproof in ABC Daytime, it’s rumored that her “extensive knowledge” of (how to butcher) each of the 3 main ABC soaps will be used as a token to buy her position. We can only hope that if this ungodly rumor holds water that she will be too distracted with so many duties to do too much damage in any one place and will leave the business of running the shows to the EP’s. It’s possible she’ll only be a figurehead. If not, maybe she’ll fixate on Regis and Kelly or The Other Half.

My take on the GH 10,000^th episode can be summed up in one word: Brilliant. I adored every moment. We could all nitpick and wish there was more of this or that, but there is no way to honor an American institution like GH in just an hour and please everyone. Personally, I don’t think who was picked to be in the memories and montages means squat about what is going to be on our screen in the future. I really think that it was an innocent homage to GH’s rich history. Try not to read too much into it. My favorite thing was their brazen boldness in not pussyfooting around recasts. They showed Sarah Brown having sex with Maurice Benard and Jonathon Jackson marrying Rebecca Herbst. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. What a wonderful gift in a time when some of us are wondering why we bother. This reminded me of why.

Nope, just because Michael is suing the pants off of ABC to the tune of about 32 mil, don't figure he's on his way back as the Count. ABC has no plans of bring back Nader as Dimitri anywhere soon.

Don't count Liza out! Au contraire! Marcy Walker isn't going anywhere and is, in fact, going to get a big story line as she recovers from surgery.

Yep, Josh Duhamel still plans to blow when he contract is up from what I've heard.

Ilene Kristen, who plays Mom from White Trash Hell, Roxanne Balsom, has been signed to a four-year contract, according to Tracey Warren, who attended the OLTL Fan Club Luncheon last weekend. Tracey will be writing up her report of the weekend, which is sure to mention what a hottie NuSeth is!! Troy and Nora are a go fer sure and there are going to be a LOT of great scenes during the week that is aired live in May!

Like I told you, what happens in April is totally opposite of what happens in May. Sonny and Alexis will do the deed the week of April 22nd AND Carly will walk in on it and go straight to Zander, who will turn her away after things get heated. He realizes that she is only reacting to seeing Sonny and Alexis. Again, SONNY AND CARLY ARE A GO FOR MAY!! Don't doubt me, don't ask me why or how and don't ask me again. It is what it is and it is going to be.

The rumors are flying all over the place: JFP is going to be given Angela Shapiro's job, Guza is going to move into JFP's place and Platt stays on as Head Writer. Kristina Wagner, A Martinez, Billy Warlock, Marissa Ramirez and Sarah Laine have all been mentioned as being on the chopping block. Everyone is antsy that their personal favorite actor is going to be swept out with the new broom. On the other side, Robert and Robin Scorpio, Stefan and Stavros Cassadine and Brenda Barrett are rumored to be headed back to Port Charles. Don't believe everything you hear!! These are all rumors and nothing solid has hit the ground running just yet. Cool your jets and let the dust settled. It's all still happening and we won't know anything until the changes are more resolved. One side of the fence does tell us that KM has voiced an interest in returning as Robin, but I was also told that KM is quoted in a mag this week as having no interest in returning. Regardless, there is a campaign to bring her back. You can read more about it at http://www.breatheagain.net/~jrlf/campaign.html.

It does sound like Liz and Jason are a go and that's one you can take to the bank with a relative assurance of the check being good. Liz will have enough of Lucky very soon and he's going to be smooching it up with Sarah, who is supposedly on the way out. Helena is in no way out of the picture and CT's people report that she has been taping and will be around in 2-3 weeks. Is she a clone? A twin? A surgically altered person? Not known yet, but she's the sun hidden from the light, I'm betting.

The rumor of Vanessa Marcil returning is just that, a rumor. You all know that crops up every few weeks, it seems and since Guza moved back in, it's there once more. For godsake, would you let the girl's stitches heal before you put her to work?? VM is notoriously flaky about coming back, being all for it until it comes to signing on the line, then backing off, so on this gal, DEFINITELY believe NOTHING until ABC actually announces it.

The character of Aiden has been scratched and will not materialize. Turns out that Zander and Jason are all the brooding GH needs.

Jerry Jacks??? Back??? That's what Gedstern is rumoring...of course, she's sitting on most of her rumors these days!

You too, yes YOU TOO can own the beautiful heart pin Alan will present to Audrey to commemorate her 10,000th day of service. According to The Moody Blues, we all only get 22,000 days to use, so Audrey has invested almost half of her allotment pounding the tiles at GH. I think she deserves more than crappy costume jewelry. But on a more reverent note:

On April 17th, take a walk through the past as GH commemorates its 10,000th episode. The retrospective will be directed by Joe Behar, the same director who directed the pilot episode which aired on April 1, 1963. Viewers will be treated to special montages from the past, as well as reflections by the GH veteran cast members and alumni, including Anthony Geary, Genie Francis, Jacklyn Zeman, Kin Shriner, Kristina Wagner, Stuart Damon, Leslie Charleson , Rachel Ames, Steve Burton, Sarah Brown (Carly Corinthos), Rena Sofer (Lois Ashton), Ricky Martin (Miguel Morez), John Stamos (Blackie Parrish), Vanessa Marcil (Brenda Barrett), Tyler Christopher (Nikolas Cassadine), Finola Hughes (Anna Devane), Kimberly McCullough (Robin Scorpio), Antonio Sabato, Jr. (Jagger Cates), Jack Wagner (Frisco Jones) and others. This episode is required viewing for all GH fans, including those who have gone on sabbatical due to the recent crappy management of the show. No, silly, the fox in the middle isn't Chrissy Hynde from The Pretenders, it's sessy new doctor, Lesley Williams, later to be Leslie Webber, mom to Laura, wife to Rick and archenemy to Monica. Left is beloved Jesse Brewer, right is Steve Hardy and Janie Dawson. Janie Dawson? I think it's Janie Dawson. Anyway... [4/11 - WRONG SIR, WRONG!! YOU STOLE FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS...wait, wrong wrong. Kate, Our Resident Cynic, has corrected me that the chick on the right is NOT the much oppressed Janie Dawson, but appears, in fact, to be Nurse Sharon Pinkham!! Ooops!!]

Yes, it still looks like Amber Tamblyn may return for a brief appearance. Zander and Kristina are a go and I was just reminded that Guza was always headstrong on a Jax and Alexis union, but former EP Wendy Riche was adamantly opposed. With that obstacle gone, will the two rejoin, throwing a monkey wrench into the Skye-Jacking that's going on? Could she hook up with the rakish Jerry Jacks, rumored to return?

Rumor is that things might get complicated when AJ realizes after Courtney dumps him that he is in love with her and things get even muckier when she learns she has a bun in the oven.

There is much to consider and most of what is out there is unmitigated rumor. Don't believe it until Gedstern reports it!!

GH Co-Head Writer, Bob Guza, Jr with Becky Herbst and Ex-GH Executive Producer (Pre-JFP), Wendy Riche

I NEVER, EVER thought I'd be lauding the return of THIS clown (Attention: Tracey Warren, please right now just slap the total and complete shit out of me - *WHAP!* - *Sage adjusts his jaw back into place - That gal DOES pack a mean wallop, but hey, I needed it) to GH!! For more info on WHY, read Katrina's Guza Rant from his GH days of the past by clicking HERE (original printing, Sept 2000). For those who didn't yet catch the wave, THIS gal:

. . . OUTTA there!! True enough, Gedstern broke the news that Bob Guza, Jr is returning to pen scripts for GH in a co-Head Writer with former partner, Charles Pratt, Jr. If you've heard that McTavish was escorted out of ABC studios, don't read a lot into that as far as insult. When ANY employee of ABC is terminated or resigns from their job, they are personally escorted out of the building, usually after they find that they can't long into the computer LAN system. This prevents disgruntled employees from exacting any revenge on the studio after becoming NOTemployees. It's all studio policy, so don't conjure up any images of McTavish squirming between two armed guards who have a death grip on her forearms before booting her out into the nasty streets of Burbank (no matter how alluring an image that might be).

This brings to light many questions. . .yes, you in the back, guy with the Cornnuts? He asks who the complete hell is Charles Pratt, Jr. Excellent question, my good man! Pratt is the past partner of Guza, having worked with him on the GH writing staff as newbies in the 1980's and later on such shows as Santa Barbara (meaning they know A Martinez and Nancy Lee Grahn quite well), Beverly Hills 90210, Melrose Place, Models, Inc and the aptly named "Titans" (as in TITANic which SANK maiden voyage). For most of these, both Platt and Guza were part of a writing team, but Guza was actually a co-creator of Sunset Beach.

Next question. . .Beautiful Lady in the fuchsia Angora Sweater and the FIRST thing out of your mouth had BETTER be where you got that gorgeous creation! "What about JFP?" Well, darling, let Sage TELL you about JFP! Right now, there is nothing to tell about her status, but we can speculate into the ground here. First off, where JFP goes, McTavish follows, sort of like the two cartoon dogs ("What do you want to do, George, do you want to go chase cats, George, do you want to go ruin a soap, George, huh, do ya, huh??") and one is seldom seen without the other, so I'm expecting a major announcement anytime from this moment on regarding the Executive Producer's position at GH. There's no way in hell JFP and Guza will form a workable alliance, so I'm sure this is the harbinger of big change to come.

Last question. . .You, up front. "What does this mean for GH?" Well, lemme tell ya, like I said, Guza is definitely not GH's friend. I'll first refer you to yet another of Katrina's columns (click here - original printing, March 2001) where she equates out JFP and McTavish to your sister marrying someone who has beaten up all of his past wives. Continuing on with that metaphor, it's as if JFP and McT were the ones beating your sister and she left them and has married someone who only berates and demeans them on a regular basis. It still ain't the spouse you'd want your beloved sister to wed, but at least she's not in the hospital ER any more. Guza is FAR better for GH than is JFP and McTavish, but definitely is not the first choice of most for the job. With Elizabeth Korte and Michele Val Jean still on staff, there's hope. You should look for distinct improvement in GH, starting in about two weeks. Guza LOVES Sonny & Carly and is the one who forged the union, so look for that to definitely happen in May sweeps as planned. Guza is also a major fan of Jason, so that forges the return of Burton, which is still a go, it seems. Guza also brought us Ned and Alexis, so I'd look for a reunion there and he like his men dark and brooding AND knows how to write for Sonny, so I'm guessing we're going to see Sonny back to his old self again. Guza gave us Elton, Florence, Nigel, Leticia, Benny, Johnny and Andreas, so I'm betting the Port Charles Unemployment Office will be empty again. Guza also loves, loves, loves the Cassadines and is the father of the "Laura has a secret son" story, so it would not at all surprise me to see Stephen Nichols back again. He also loves Emily and gives her lots of time, so Amber Tamblyn has probably already heard her phone ringing. Since both Platt and Guza have specialized in prime time shows, we have a double edged sword. One is that their prime time shows have been shot straight out to the 20-30-year-old demographic, so I don't see that changing, but the shows also get a prime timey feel to them when Guza is writing. Also, although he is the one who broke up Laura and Luke, he also had promised a reunion before he was ousted, so I expect that is still in the works. The reason that I'm presuming he will continue in his same patterns as before is that Guza is a prime egotist (not that there's anything wrong with that) who is very proud of his work and will probably seek to recreate it. Bottom line: GH is going to get better, much better, overall, but still have its issues. Hey, if it didn't, what would all the other soap boards buzz about? Imagine if there was nothing to bitch over!! People would be devastated.

Yep. He’s coming back barring any huge screw up in the meantime. The last of the negotiations are being hammered out, but from what I hear, he wants it, GH wants it and it’s only a matter of ink on paper.

Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth!! I’ve receiving TONS of letters from people who are butting this into the ground!! But, but, what will happen to Liz and Lucky?? But, but what does this mean for Chad Brannon??? But, but what if Sonny and Carly don’t get back together now? AAArrrrrggggghhh!!! People, for five minutes, PLEASE just kick back and relish in the good news without killing it by fretting and worrying and projecting something that could just as easily be a very, very good thing into a nit-picked bag of potential bad things!! It seems like no matter what good news we get, it’s going to get kicked around until it has a negative side. Right now, we could bring back Lisa Vultaggio and have the show get better! Instead, we get a character who is vital to several different integral areas of the canvas and an actor who is at worst, brooding and inoffensive and at best, devastatingly handsome and inoffensive. Once, just once, smile, have a happy shiver and say, “Thank you” and have that be that.

What, oh what, will happen to Chad Brannon with Steve Burton returning??? My guess is that he’ll get more screen time in a “Sonny’s Right-Hand Man” contest with Jason, as well as stimulating the conflict between Jason and Zander over Emily. There is plenty of room for both of these guys to be onscreen and I really, really don’t expect that we are going to see ABC letting go of either one anywhere soon. Of course, someone is going to have to foot the bill for Burton’s (no doubt) hefty salary, so I’m betting more on a hoard of newcomers being shown the door (since it’s my guess that JFP is going to be ousted this month). Since the EP gets residuals for the continuity of character they create while on staff, a new EP doesn’t give a damn about lining the pockets of their predecessor and is quick to hatchet new, undeveloped characters whose potential begin and end with the agenda and vision (or lack thereof) of the lame duck who is hobbling off to die in peace. I think before long, you are going to see GH casting running a much tighter ship with the extraneous cut away, the truly interesting characters built up and old favorites returning.

No, I don’t think this heralds a Guza return, but I don’t think it rules it out, either. It is possible that knowing her departure is imminent, Shapiro has gone into “take no prisoners” mode and is pulling out all the stops to leave her job with happy campers in her wake. Also, it has long been rumored that ABC is perturbed with the dismal ratings for GH and has brought JFP under marshal law, keeping her on in name only while highers up micromanage her every move. If this is the case, it might well have nothing to do with JFP or Guza, but a stab at throwing the disgruntled fans a bone. Jason is a character that will probably not piss off either of the fan bases, S&A or S&C, yet will be integral to the story (among others). Since all angles of the A&S&C triangle have done little but bitch about their lot in life and that of their favorite characters, this gives them a happy thought in the midst of their turmoil and, as I have mentioned as their motive many times, keeps those message boards buzzing. What would make Sage ever so happy? Resolve this triangle once and for all and be done with it.

What does this mean for Liz and Lucky? Writing on the wall. It was suggested that Aiden was being brought on board as a love interest for Elizabeth and 2^nd Cassadine heir. I thought it would be fascinating if they went with the “Laura had twins” theory and it was proven that Aiden was actually born first, basically leaving Nikolas assed out. How interesting would it be to have Gia and Nikolas NOT the royal couple, but Aiden in charge of it all while courting Liz? This tells us that TPTB were already prepared to break up Liz and Lucky (thank GOD) and the chemistry (God, how I hate that word) between Lucky and Sarah furthers that idea. Despite the claim of other sites that the notion of Aiden being a smoke screen for a Jason recast isn’t true, it’s still, in my opinion, possible that ABC and Burton connected about a return and ABC also contacted a few other potential actors for a possible recast just in case he bailed. Hey, it could happen. Where is Aiden now? Nowhere that I’ve heard. We had a trade off of a couple of different actors rumored to have the role then…nothing. Hey, it could still be a Cassadine, my comment is that you just can’t ever say that something did or didn’t happen unless you are ABC omniscient, which very few people on the net are. Anyone who says, “That just flat out did not happen” is talking out of their ass unless they are one of the key players in the rumor. Period. Bottom line on Liz and Lucky: I say they are history and it’s possible/likely that she’s going to have many a Jason cuddle. I mean, who wouldn’t?? Lucky is going to follow Ned’s lead and start working his way on a carnal climb up Liz’s family tree and everyone will live dysfunctionally ever after. Side note: NO, I did not enjoy Liz’s psychotic dance on the bar and thought it was a horribly written scene. She might have had an “urge to herbal” but Sage had an urge to puke.

Of COURSE Sonny and Carly are still going to get back together in May. Stop doubting, people. It was set for Feb, internal, behind the scenes turmoil stalled it out and it was delayed for a while. Sonny and Alexis in April, Sonny and Carly in May. Also, think, folks! The rumor that is going around about how Carly holds the cards because Sonny is now the father of her child is NOT about some phantom phetus that she carries, it’s because MICHAEL is now Sonny’s child since they went through with the adoption!! You are getting all kinds of hints in the “official” spoilers coming from the studio of Sonny & Carly ending up together, Ned and Alexis together and Zander and Kristina together. Just kick back, relax, grab a drink and a snack and enjoy the show!!

Problem, though. Sounds like the powers that be have AJ set up to hit the bottle again, which can’t be a good thing for the character. Grated, BW does a great job playing a drunk, but why trash out the character when this would be a brilliant time for AJ to shine and REALLY be in love?? The folks over at Billy Warlock.com have started a campaign to save AJ.

In the vein of campaigns, Scott Egan. net is also working hard to give us more of Johnny. Since we have recently seen Benny again after a looonnnng vacation, now is the time to make your bid for our favorite bodyguard to get back into action.

Vanessa Marcil had a baby boy and is doing well. No other information has been released.

Representatives deny rumors that Kimberly McCullough is reprising her role as Robin.

Sorry not to rush to post it, but this is important enough that I wanted to verify with my best sources and I just got the two calls within the past hour. Don't know when yet, but it appears to be a done deal, likely to be long term. No recast...just...Jason.

Darlings, this is NOT an April Fool's joke! Our mailing list (the new one) maxed out (I love you guys too!!!), but I have hooked up another one to the same link below. If you tried to sign up for update notices and got some sort of "We're Full" message, please click here and try again.

I'm in...shock!! I had heard some remarks floating around for a while, one in particular from my #1 fan and Sagette, Lovey Lenore and a few others along the way, but I thought people were just joking. Then today, I got it straight out from my friend, Kate, who writes, "A Cynic Soaps Up" for Eye on OLTL and Eye on AMC. Like before, I thought she was joking when I first heard it, but then she let it out of the closet and told me that YOU PEOPLE THINK I'M GAY!!!!! (?????!!!!!) Where the heck did THAT come from??? (Not that there's anything wrong with that) Can't a man live with his mom, watch soaps, enjoy a little Barbra, call people "darling" and have the ability to recognize a really, really hot guy without being gay? Sheesh.

Darling, Sign Up For Updates HERE!

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