Katrina's Soap Journal

Warning: Do NOT proceed with this installment of Katrina's Soap Journal if you are at all offended by swearing, cursing or excessive use of foul language. There's a lot of it. I'm not kidding. Don't torture yourself. If you don't like words that fall outside the church walls, I'm begging you, do not read on.

Hello everyone and welcome to this week's edition of "Inside the Actors Studio." I am your host, James Lipton. This week, we will be speaking with the cast of an oft criticized but deeply loved show, "General Hospital."

Those who are familiar with our show know that we spend the first two-thirds of our time reminiscing with our guest about the various twists and turns of life that brought them to this time we now share. Since many of you are already well familiar with the rocky road this show has traveled and those who are not really don't much give a shit, we're going to just skip that part.

The last part of our show involves questions from the audience, but we're going to skip that as well. Between the walk down memory lane and the questions, comes the most interesting segment of our interview, which is the Benard Pivot Questionnaire, which originated on the French show, "Bouillon de Culture." Since our viewers are only really interested in one of the questions, we'll limited ourselves to that for the sake of brevity, that question being, "What is your favorite curse word?" Considering that swearing doesn't usually make it past Standards and Practices on ABC, this should be a particularly delicious undertaking.

(Psst. If I enjoy this interview enough, I fully intend to invite OLTL and AMC to participate)

And with that, please welcome the cast of GENERAL HOSPITAL! (The crowd goes wild, cast comes onto the stage, waving affectionately to the studio audience, smiling, blowing kisses, then having a seat on the dais, which has just enough chairs. Lipton gently coaxes each into sharing their favorite curse word, then passing the microphone lovingly from one to the next). Bear in mind, that for many of these characters, this will be the first time they have been afforded the freedom of speaking aloud their favorite curse word:

Sonny Corinthos - Motherfucker. It just rolls off the tongue. I can't count how many times we've had to re-shoot because I was "in the moment" and came out with a "motherfucker." As soon as I clench my jaw, I can't help it. My head screams out "mother fucker" as a noun of exclamation or "motherfuckin'" as an adjective. Sometimes, my mouth just follows along.

Zander Smith - Needle-dicked-bug-fucker. The ultimate putdown.

Carly Corinthos - I like "fuck THAT" and "fuck YOU" so I guess I'd have to say fuck is my favorite and most definitely, in my opinion, the most useful curse word.

Michael Corinthos - Butthole. But I can't say it when my mom's around.

Jason Morgan - Sonofawhore. It's just so expressive.

Dr Monica Quartermaine - I quite like cock-knocker. People tend to stop and pay attention when you throw one of those out there.

Skye Quartermaine - Bastard. It feels delicious when I say it. "You BASTARD." Yeah!

Nikolas Cassadine - Sucks. Is that a curse word? "This just sucks all to hell."

Dillon Quartermaine - Dickwad. Nuff said.

Dr Alan Quartermaine - Balls. As in, "Well, balls. We've got no scenes today either."

Mike Corbin - Asshole.

Dr Cameron Lewis - Well fuck a duck.

Luke Spencer - Ratbastard. It's very all encompassing.

Alexis Davis - Piss-hell. As in, "Oh piss-hell."

Coleman - Lemme tell ya, women also love it when you grip their hair in your fingers, not hard enough to hurt, but was just a gentle tension, then breathe onto their neck and into their ear, "I want to fuck you on that pool table." Because of that, you know what gets my vote.

Ric Lansing - Asshole

Tracy Quartermaine - All of them. I couldn't possibly pick a favorite.

Elizabeth Webber - Bitch

Edward Quartermaine - Horseshit

Lorenzo Alcazar - Cunt. I know it's not a popular one, but I just love it. It's quite effective to call a particularly macho guy that if you want to totally emasculate him on the spot with a single syllable.

Sage Alcazar - Bitchin.

Ned Ashton - Fucking pussy. "He's such a fucking pussy."

Lila Quartermaine - Balls up. "Well, Edward, you made a right balls up of that one, didn't you?"

Emily Quartermaine - Piss.

Lydia Karenin - Dick. "Nikolas, you DICK."

Georgie Jones - Farts.

Maxie Jones - Whore. "She's such a whore."

Samantha McCall = Sonofabitch.

Faith Rosco - I love to say fuck. It's a powerful word.

Jasper Jacks - Dammit all to hell.

Scott Baldwin - Scum-sucking whoremonger

Lucky Spencer - Shit.

A.J. Quartermaine - Definitely fuck. As in, "Fuck me to tears" and "Get me the fuck outta here."

Courtney Morgan - Crap. I say crap a good bit.

Mac Scorpio - Ass, I guess. "I feel like an ass." "Garcia, get your ass in here." "I wish Felicia would get her ass back home."

Reginald Jennings - Dammit

Big Alice - Hell's a poppin.

Bobbie Spencer - Shitdogs. As in "Well, shitdogs. How long do I have to stand here?"

Note for those who tend to miss the obvious: This is a joke. I am not in any way suggesting that the actors who play these characters have said these things. I also do not wish to imply that these words have ever been used on the show, at least not on the air. I simply sent my imagination off to play to try to envision and enaudiate what words I could hear coming from our beloved characters lips and see their lovely mouths forming most easily.