Thanks to a good friend of mine who is employed by ABC, I have obtained scoops of some of the storylines for “General Hospital” for the rest of this year! My friend is very, highly placed and has access to communications between Brian Frons (the head of ABC Daytime), Jill Farren Phelps (GH’s producer) and Bob Guza (GH’s head writer). Of course, for the security of her job, I can’t reveal my friend’s name, so I asked her if she wanted to go by an alias. She said yes and requested that I refer to her as “April Fool.”

I am very excited to be able to present these scoops to you all, my fellow GH fans. Ms. Phelps and Mr. Guza are returning a balance of characters to the show and the stories have more of a groundbreaking edge to them. The scoops listed here were copied, verbatim, from the GH writer’s meetings and contain some profanity and adult content, so be warned.

Also, while these storylines could change at anytime, April says “The Powers That Be” are very excited about them and have every intention of going forward with these stories and some have already been taped. So, with that said, please enjoy April Fool’s GH scoops for 2003.

;-)

Sonny’s life begins to spiral out of control as he is overtaken by feelings of depression and despair. Luckily, it’s Jason to the rescue.

Sonny finds out he is Kristina’s father. He is devastated over having missed the first months of his daughter’s life. He and Alexis carefully resume a friendship for baby Kristina’s sake, with Sonny promising not to seek custody.

Sonny has more nightmares about attending the funerals of his loved ones, seeing them in coffins while potato flakes drift down upon them.

Ric is revealed to be Joe Scully’s son and he’s seeking revenge on Sonny for taking over his father’s territory; territory Ric believes would have, and should have, been his to run.

Tracy Q. returns to town with an agenda: to reconnect with her sons. It’s not Ned and Dillon, either; it’s the two sons Edward took away from her. It seems, once upon a time, Tracy was madly in love with a gambling ne’er do well and Daddy didn’t approve. She got pregnant twice and was led to believe, twice, that her sons died at birth. Many emotional scenes are coming up as the show builds to the shocking reveal that Tracy’s long lost sons are….Sonny and Ric!

As summer draws near, Courtney turns to Sonny in her time of need. Look for a heart-wrenching scene between these siblings as Sonny explains to his sis “when it gets warmer, people just DON’T wear coats, and that’s okay.”

Liz breaks up with Ric when he reveals he would “do” Sonny if they weren’t related.

Carly’s pregnancy proves to be difficult and puts a strain on their marriage. Sonny finds peace in some advice from Bobbie. Soon, Sonny and Bobbie begin a torrid and hush-hush affair.

Nikolas becomes obsessed with wanting to be like Sonny and begins to stalk the mobster.

Sonny and Carly separate when she discovers he’s having an affair with her mother. Sonny moves into the Q Mansion to bond with his brothers Dillon and Ned and with his newly discovered mother, Tracy. Sonny and Monica butt heads and before they know it, they’re hitting the sheets.

Jason daydreams about his friend Sonny and has many moving, musical, montage moments.

Summer discovers Zander is her brother. In scenes which will feature Sonny doing important mob stuff, Summer and Zander shall be seen in the background having, what seems to be, some dramatic and tearful dialogue.

Jason pretends to recover some of the memories he lost so he can move back in with the Quartermaines and be near Sonny.

Sonny asks Courtney to leave town for her own safety. He explains to her, in a touching scene, that no one in Port Charles likes her and if she doesn’t leave, he will put a hit out on her because God doesn’t like her, either. Courtney decides to stay anyway.

Courtney and Jason break up because he’s moved back in with the Quartermaines. She leaves their “love nest” and rents a room at Kelly’s. Now that she’s no longer with Jason, Courtney and Liz become friends. They soon begin having an affair. This story will explore how this relationship affects Sonny.

Cameron learns he is Luke’s long lost twin brother, making Cameron Sonny’s uncle, which makes Zander and Summer Sonny’s cousins. Look for many powerful scenes featuring Sonny.

Carly gives birth and is horrified when Alan tells her that her baby has no head, just an ass where the head should be. When Sonny sees the double-assed child Carly is forced to admit that, yes, she had an affair with Jax.

The pressures of trying to juggle affairs with both Bobbie and Monica become too much of a strain on Sonny. He tells them both the affairs must end. Bobbie deteriorates into madness and is committed to Ferncliff. Monica, in a drunken rage, toys with shooting herself. In the darkness she sees a shadow, thinking it’s Sonny she shoots, only to discover the next morning…..she killed A.J.! Dementia overtakes Monica and she is eventually committed to Ferncliff where she and Bobbie begin an affair.

Sonny reconciles with Carly only to discover he is now impotent. Once again, it’s Jason to the rescue! Sonny and Jason embark on a journey of lustful romance and Jason bones Carly on the side.

The show is going to explore a part of Sonny’s character which longs to be clean and to protect his family as he tries to leave the mob to go “legit” by starting a porn business.

Lucky takes advantage of living at Kelly’s so he can further his new porn career. He asks Courtney and Liz if he can get in on their “hot, lesbian action” so he can get them on tape. Sonny is livid, but has a change of heart when the movie, “Wild Waitresses,” is a porn hit, making him lots of money and winning him the coveted, porn industry “NutSack” award.

Sonny tries to reach Jason to call off the hit on Courtney, but can’t reach Jason in time since, for that one episode, Jason doesn’t have a cell phone. Courtney is shot in the ass while she’s filming “Wild Waitresses 2: Hot Buns and Pie.” Tony makes a rare appearance to reveal to a heartbroken and guilt-ridden Sonny that Courtney has irreversible brain damage, the extent of which may not be known for months.

Jax goes back to college to learn to be a scientist so he can learn how to build a time machine that will take him back in time so he can destroy Sonny.

Lucky casts Coleman as the lead in one of his porn movies. Coleman is a hit and earns the industry nickname of “Cole the Pole.” Sonny seems to take a personal interest in Coleman’s success and enjoys playing pool with him. This does not sit well with Jason.

Reginald will be seen wheeling Lila through the Q living room at least eight times this year (but only while Sonny is there). At least once, she will be allowed to speak.

The Port Charles Time-Space Continuum will waver and be forever disrupted as Jax completes his time machine and travels to the past to do in his nemesis, Sonny! When Jax returns, Sonny is still alive and seemingly well. Skye, who was aware of Jax’s plans, asks him why he didn’t just kill Sonny. Jax tells her that, instead, he did something that will really cause Sonny to be irked once he finds out. Skye, Alexis and Ned then do an intervention with Jax, telling him he’s a stupid ass and must be saved from himself before it is too late. Jax breaks down, promising to join Dumb Asses Anonymous.

Courtney, recovering from the gunshot wound to her right butt cheek, doesn’t seem to be any different than she was before. Sonny takes her to see Tony for an update on her diagnosis. Tony reveals to a shocked Sonny that Courtney doesn’t have brain damage after all and apparently, she was just always this stupid. Courtney promises she will join Dumb Asses Anonymous and she begs Sonny’s forgiveness for not leaving town when he told her to. He forgives her and offers to pay for the plastic surgery to rebuild her now deformed and lopsided butt.

Sonny tries to make amends with Jason for not spending enough time with him. Sonny gets his tongue pierced and whisks Jason off for a romantic weekend at the cabin. There, amidst candlelight, bubbles and Barry Manilow CDs, Sonny presents Jason with a diamond-studded cockring (which will also be available on Shop The Soaps!).

Edward decides, with Sonny out of the Mafia, he will take over Sonny’s old territories. When Sonny hears this news, he confides in Jason that he just can’t stand the thought of Edward taking over where he left off. Jason asks Sonny why he can’t be a pornographer AND a mobster. Sonny decides to go back to the mob.

Leticia tells Sonny that she will seek employment elsewhere as she refuses to diaper a double-assed baby.

Sonny (with Jason) crashes Edward’s first meeting with the representatives of The Five Families and announces that he’s taking his old territories back. Edward and the others balk at this, but Sonny and Jason take a stand. In what will be one of the most chilling and dramatic moments in GH history, Sonny will bang his fist on the table yelling, “We’re here! We’re queer! Get used to it!”

Nikolas, consumed with jealousy over Sonny’s relationship with Jason, decides to kill Sonny by gunning him down. Nik waits for the perfect opportunity and it finally arrives outside of Kelly’s where Sonny is walking by. Nik fires upon Sonny, but misses his target, killing all the teens in Port Charles instead. After the mass funeral, Sonny talks to their dead bodies and sprinkles potato flakes on them.

Sonny plays Santa Clause at the General Hospital Pediatric Ward and reads “T’was The Night Before Christmas” to the children.

While attending a D.A.A. meeting (Dumb Asses Anonymous), Jax tells the group what act of extreme “Dumb Assedness” brought him to finally admit he was stupid. He tells them about the time machine and the evil plan he carried out against Sonny. Jax reveals that he broke into Sonny’s penthouse and obtained a sample of Sonny’s hair from a hairbrush, so he’d have the DNA. He then had a cloned embryo of Sonny Corinthos made (utilizing Cassadine technology), changing the genes just enough so that it would grow to look like Jason instead of Sonny. Then he traveled back in time and implanted the embryo in Susan Moore (Jason’s mother), causing her to unknowingly give birth to a cloned “Sonny Corinthos.” Jax begins crying hysterically as the other members tell him, “You ARE a dumb ass!” Courtney, who is at the same D.A.A. meeting, vows to tell Sonny what she’s heard.

Courtney interrupts Sonny and Jason’s romantic evening at the penthouse to tell Sonny what she heard at the D.A.A. meeting. Sonny sends Jason to his room and listens in shock as Courtney explains that Jason is his clone. Sonny is outraged and begins breaking glassware, even going so far as to throw his NutSack (award) on the floor. Courtney tries to calm him, but Sonny finds no peace in her words as the consequences of Jax’s plot fully dawn on him.

“General Hospital” wraps up an action-packed, roller-coaster year as Sonny realizes his love affair with Jason has only meant one thing: that he, Sonny Corinthos, has been fucking himself.