February 14, 2002


Mateo is, indeed, a dink.  "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY KID?"  Way to be grateful, dink.

[Sorry, had to go out for most of AMC.]

Vanessa is, indeed, wonderfully evil.

ABC is, indeed, the snake oil salesman of the new century hawking that crappy jewelry.  As soon as I saw that necklace in Hayley's hand (we all know *she* put it under the pillow), I could hear the guy's voice, "YOU TOO CAN OWN THE FAKE NECKLACE MATEO GAVE HAYLEY!!"  Wonder if we'll get Brooke's engagement ring as well.  If there's a close up, you know we will!


Carlotta is, indeed, off her rocker, bitching in Spanish and whacking Cris on the head.  

*sigh*  Add one retro green broach (?) and one double heart pendant to the hawking table.

Wow.  Wardrobe, indeed, still had Nathan Fillian's Saturday Night Fever suit.

I think Cris, indeed, needs to kill Chad with a spoon.

Renee, indeed, looked lovely today.  Why she is at the opening of Capricorn, I cannot fathom.

"He may never dance again," is indeed, the most pathetic line in the history of OLTL.

Crap.  The quarry again.  It is, indeed, the most ill-fated location in Pennsylvania.

Keri and Antonio were, indeed, HOT in their foreplay.  Yow.

Oh man.  Todd must really, truly, indeed hate this "My Funny Valentine" scene.  Yuck.

Seth, indeed, looks more like Superman every day.

Add in one sapphire, drop necklace.

Bo, indeed, cannot dance without Nora.  Maybe he was letting her lead.


WHY is Sonny calling Skye a "garden variety tramp" when she's been totally celibate since she got to PC?

Indeed, Skye's fantasy could work well for me.

Indeed, I am frustrated that the school counselor called me right in the middle of A Very Special GH.

Indeed, Elizabeth's fantasy made me want to remove my stomach from my body so as not to feel the violent nausea any more.

Add one "I love you" charm to the stack of cheap, ABC booty.  Man, this Valentine's Day is going to make them a mint.

Indeed, Flea must have done Courtney's hair.

It is unfortunate indeed that even in his own fantasy, AJ couldn't defeat Sonny on his own and had to wait until Courtney distracted him.

Indeed, Kristina can sing, which is not a requirement to be in my soap and certainly isn't a leg to stand on when the character is such a pain in the ass.

Wow.  That is indeed some thick, greasy lipstick on Kristina's word hole.

Indeed, I wonder how many viewers out there are not going to "get" that these are fantasies.  You guys think I'm joking?  You should see my inbox (indeed).

Indeed, it's cool that Tamara Braun has ordinary, unmanicured nails just like Sarah Brown did.

Maurice Benard does indeed use his tongue a lot (a LOT).   If I were Paula (his wife), when I saw him out the door for a hard day (hard day, ha!) of shooting, I'd remind him, "And MO!  Keep your damned tongue in your mouth.  Freak."

ONE MORE FRICKING NECKLACE, Veronica Lake special.

And that wraps up one more day of the soaps, indeed!



February 12, 2002

Two nuns walk into a bar… 

Then the monkey says… 

Blonde with a poodle… 

But where the hell is my pen? 

Just trying to find something to keep you entertained, because I can't guarantee the column will.  *sigh*  I’ve put off writing a column for a long while, trying to put thoughts together about the shows that you might enjoy reading.  

Truth is…I’m bored.  I wish I could get Port Charles because everyone says it’s the rockinest show on ABC.  I love Lucy. *sigh*  When I started Eye on Soaps a year and a half ago, I had two requests of my columnists.  One was that they would immediately turn in their resignation or change their gig with me as soon as they were not having fun writing their columns.  I never wanted this to be a chore for anyone.  I wanted it to be fun, like friends sitting down over tea to yak about the soaps.  We are so misunderstood.  NonSoaper view us as slack-jawed, dim-eyed, escapists who can’t tell the show from the real world and secretly believe that John J York is going to lock eyes with us at a fan event and realize fall in love.  The truth is that the faction I just described (which tends to be the loudest) is only a lunatic fringe of soap viewers.  Most are rational, interesting, intelligent, productive people who enjoy soaps as a book that you never have to put down for the last time.  Some chapters are better than others.  Some keep you riveted, salivating, waiting for the next page to turn.  Other make you want to throw the book against the wall.  But you know and I know that if you do, you’ll always wonder what happened to at least one or two of the characters and eventually will find a way to learn just that.  You will probably even pick up the book again, try to find your place and keep reading, maybe leafing ahead to a more exciting part.  We are nothing if not loyal and hopeful, even in the darkest times.  

What I wanted was to draw in that fun, intelligent and rational vein of viewers who might feel they had no peers in the soap world.  We’re here.  The candle is in the window.  Not everyone is a fanatic (ever notice where the word “fan” comes from?).  There were even more of you out there than I ever expected and I am grateful for those that I have had contact with over the duration of Eye on Soaps thus far.  I have had ongoing staff changes since we started, largely due to my request, I believe.  It’s easy to burn out at this.  Coming up with something new and fresh to say every week or two is challenging, especially when you consider the other thing I requested of my writers, which was to try to keep things positive.  I didn’t expect them to write like Mary Poppins all the time.  If I did, I certainly would not have brought on board the writers I chose.  What I did want was to not have to read nonstop bitching that would make people wonder why the writer or the reader should watch the damned show at all.  I know I was putting off the column because I would be breaking my own rule.  I’d have very little to say that is positive.  That being the case, I am officially lifting any restrictions on my writers and gals; if you are reading this, columnists, just have at it.  Pffft.  Speak your mind or we’ll end up working too hard for this and it won’t be real, which is the way we wanted it from the beginning.  

Maybe it’s hormones.  Not only is it a critical monthly moment, but my two-year-old weaned this past week and the hormonal shift has ushered in the menopausal prelude that has been knocking at the door for the past six months or so.  There just aren’t enough weapons in the world for me to fully express myself these days.  

With that precautionary preface out of the way, here we go. 


I just want to scream that NONE of this is going as it should!  Vanessa should not go out with a whimper and a sniff at the hands of her sniveling, ungrateful spawn.  I am praying that we get to see more of her in Proteus mode before this ends.  I’ve heard nothing about Marj Dussay leaving the show, so she must beat the charges somehow!  That gives us two ABC divas and moms from Hell who are in or going to prison (Helena as well).  The writers will, we hope, be doing the legal parlay to spring them both or we’ll be up to our eyeballs in do-gooders with no insulin in sight. 

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Oh Vanessa, you wonderfully bad, bad girl!  
Don't go away!

The stories that held my interest seem to have disappeared or are quietly sputtering along in the background.  I want to see more of Liza and Adam working things out or not.  I want to see Opal involved in the conflict between Eric and Bianca.  I want to know how she’s doing and that she’s missing Hank like crazy.  I want to see Chris and Ryan poking at their father-son story a bit more.  I want Jesse back.  I want to see Stuart and Marion.  I want to see more of Ryan hassling JR.  I want to see some action in the Who Killed Frankie story.  It’s got no gas any more and it seems like no one cares if it is solved or not.  I want to see more of Elizabeth Hendrickson, who is an infinitely better actress as Maggie than she was as Frankie, much as Ty Treadway is much better looking as Troy than he was as Colin.  Go figure.  I want Ryan to stop banging away at people.  Granted, he’s very sexy to watch when he’s on the move and that first time with Liza was a real shocker.  Somehow, I missed the spoiler on it and my jaw was hanging open around the same time her shirt was doing the same.  That was interesting and born of pain and blah, blah, blah, but he’s been a bigger horndog since Gillian died than most men are under the best of circumstances.  I’ll tell you one thing, if I’m ever screwing around in my house’s turret or bell tower or whatever the complete hell that was and some nutty assassin blows my head clean in and my husband lays across me bawling his eyeballs out and threatens violence before he gives my heart away to a psycho freak show, THEN spends the rest of the year with a perpetual boner that's looking for a place to hide, I’ll be haunting him for sure and not in gracious, diaphanous Victoria’s Secret Angel Wear.  I’ll look like Large Marge from “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” and have the Grim Reaper’s scythe to take care of his “problem” for him.  We’re talking about some serious black armband wearing, talking to the gravestone, bawling in his beer, listening to Barry Manilow grief for at least 2-3 years.  The only chest he’d better be showing anyone is when he tears his shirt from his body in insane, soul choking sorrow because “our song” came on the radio.  I will NOT go quietly into that dark night if my husband is going to be sowing his seeds like Juan Valdez. 

Good Lord, I adore Kendall.  I never got to see Sarah Michelle Gellar in the role, but I can imagine how she’d be.  Alicia Minshew is perfect soap material.  Oh, she’d fall on her face in a nonsoap role (just my opinion.  She may have assets not immediately apparent), but for Erica Kane’s bitter daughter, she is the bee’s knees.  I love how she handles Sir Ryan of Testosterone, refusing to be subdued, but still flaunting her sexuality.  I love how she squares off against Erica or Greenlee with angry spit that could melt stone.  She has the regal, diva act down to a tee and I love it.   

One who is about to meet the back o’me hand and is in dire need of an attitude adjustment is Bianca.  What a nasty, evil, wretched ungrateful little hypocrite she is.  She’s furious that Erica would believe she could kill Frankie in a fit of passion, yet she had no problem being convinced that Erica did it in a fit of rage.  The little snot has no gratitude at all for the fact that Erica was willing to go to such great lengths to ensure that she would sacrifice both her freedom and her life for her daughter.  She has that Robin Scorpio, holier than thou sanctimony thing going and I’ve never thought it played particularly well in any capacity.  I would love if, very soon, she got her comeuppance and saw how wrong she is for being so judgmental and nasty.  Jack?  Opal?  Myrtle?  Anyone listening?   

If only…if only…if only David had injected Dixie with the miracle drug and she’d died.  One annoying character off the screen with a blistering death scene, one red-hot feud turning white, one doctor with a God complex dealing with his own fallibility and one angry young man having to come to terms with the loss of his mother, perhaps giving him a big smack back into the real world.  Instead, the story we are going to have to swallow is about as palatable as dog food pâté.   

That Mia can sure scream.   

For someone who is engaged to and still defending her love for Leo, Greenlee was pretty eager to accept Jake’s mighty tongue into her mouth.  That was definitely some kiss and I hope Leo had pause to take notes.  

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YEAH, Baybee!

There is far, far too much Brooke and Edmund going on.  Since I have vowed to no longer, ever, ever, ever use those asinine combo names to identify a couple after this point, I leave you with a laughing “Bredmund.”  Sounds like a rich estate.


Ty Treadway is chewing this chilling portrayal of Colin and Troy from the front teeth to the molars and I love every minute of it.  Colin still comes so easy to Ty and he looks pretty no matter who he’s playing.  Karen had a funny observation that I loved.  She said (I’m paraphrasing here) that in the case of David Canary, he can play Stuart, he can play Adam, he can play Adam playing Stuart and can even play Stuart being Adam and have us follow where he is.  Ty doesn’t quite have that going on.  Karen says that when Troy is pretending to be Colin, it's too "Colin" for it to be Troy pretending.  I have to agree with that.  There should still be some evidence of Troy in there for us to see.  Instead, he just went into Colin mode and Colin was there.  I didn’t once register in my head that it was Troy pretending to be Colin.  But, as my dear friend also aptly observed, “He sure is pretty.”  All that out of the way, it’s still great.  The sheer menace that Colin or Troy conveys to Lindsay is mesmerizing.  I am eager to see how far this goes.  Catherine Hickland is finally in a situation worthy of her histrionics and it plays well. 

Melissa Archer is quickly becoming one of the best actresses on the show and any scene with her in it is a winner.  Combining her talent with Erika Slezak (Lord, I can’t wait to see Natalie get a taste of the alters!) and Mark Derwin is definitely a winning combination and I have to also admit that Erin Torpey is a nice fit into the mix.  Color me impressed. 

A big surprise is her heat with Cris, which is really something else!  I'm sure Cris wasn't the only one thinking about this after the fact:

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The Todd-Blair-Baby fiasco still keeps me entertained.  The introduction of different characters such as Paloma, David Vickers and now Gabrielle definitely keeps the story fresh and interesting.  Of course, it ‘s not likely that Blair and Todd will survive this one, although I would like to believe otherwise.  I’ve watched Blair, both incarnations (I know a lot of newbies didn’t get the Mia Korpf joke at Asa’s funeral – what a hoot), with a lot of different men and Todd is still my favorite (Max being my least favorite).  Although I do not enjoy the character of Gabrielle (with or without her hair), she does play well off of Todd and that I can tolerate.  What Bo's fascination with her as of late could be in beyond me.

It was great to see Judge Fitzwater again.  I love the way she always is able to get Nora to sit the hell down and shut the hell up like no one ever has before.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Nora…the real Nora.  The one that would have told Bo to get his ass back out of the boat because he loves her, not because she’s carrying a fake baby…the Nora that would have done anything to save her husband, but would figure if he wasn’t willing to live for her, he could drown like the worm he is.  I love the Nora who dances like a poodle skirt girl and eats pizza instead of sushi and sleeps in giant T-shirts and flannel jammie bottoms and wears fuzzy bunny slippers.  I loved Nora before she became the Angel of Justice for Llanview.  *sniff*  Moment of silence for Old Nora.  Thank you. 

As if I wasn’t depressed enough already, we lead into…


Has anyone notice that Sonny’s new muscle (NotJohnny), wha’s his name…?  Max?  Something?  Can’t remember.  Anyway, has anyone noticed that he looks a tremendous lot like Dylan and Blake Hopkins who played Little Michael forever, before the chatty one who disappeared came along?  Same expression, same facial structure.  Things that make you say, “Hmmmmm.”


  But you just gotta admit, last week had some pretty precious moments:

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Kristina actually shut the hell up for once and then:

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PERFECTLY executed the patented triple axle Felicia Face Scrinch!!!

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MIke has retrieved his balls from Sonny's desk drawer and has been seriously giving Sonny the business, which makes Courtney a welcome addition to the show as far as I'm concerned.

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Florence got a really cool hair do.  Now if we can just get wardrobe busy on her.  
A little Anne Klein II might be nice or some Vera Wang.

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Carly trusted Zander enough to tell him something she'd never told anyone before AND we got to see that big honkin' diamond again.

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Zander got to feel up Carly's leg AND stare at her crotch while she talked.

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We got a HOT new doctor who, even if he is evidently a crappy doctor, is HOT!  
I mean, how often do we get a new GUY on the show??

So, as you can see, the last two weeks were not a total loss.  Some really great things happened.  I would harp line after line, verse after verse about the ludicrousness of that stupid accident and all of the sloppy, stupid blunders the writers made, but #1) If you have a computer, you've already read about it ad nauseum on every message board that exists, so I shan't rehash and #2) It was so pathetic that it would be cruel to say anything, like making fun of a crippled child.  Ixnay on the accidentnay.

Perhaps killing Kristina isn't quite appropriate.  I was thinking more of killing her, cutting off her head, stuffing the mouth with garlic (she'd no doubt still be yapping about some inane something), duct taping it and scoring a big ol' right down the center strike with it while her decapitated body burns on a funeral pyre in the distance.  Maybe then she'd know the true betrayal of blabbing some deep, dark, personal secret that Alexis has repeatedly told her is untrue.  Can't Alexis have the luxury of a little crush, a little secret horn for her neighbor without the world going batshit?  People hate Alexis (Sonny and Carly are getting a divorce, Alexis WINS, WHAAAAA) for having the hots for Sonny when I defy them to live across the hall from him, spend most of her day within poking distance of those dimples and be whined and dined by him and NOT get a little sloppy in the Netherlands and fuzzed in the head over it.  C'MON people!  Lighten up!  Like Sage said a couple of weeks ago, the only place Alexis and Sonny are even a couple is in the pointed little heads of a nation of fans!  Before you know it, Kristina's jaw unhinges, that mouth winds up and all kinds of junk comes flying out in Sonny's direction.  I was so glad that Ned went off on her.  What a guy.  :-)

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I keep trying to come up with more that is worthy of comment, but alas, my hands are getting way too dirty trying to pick the diamond flecks out of the mudslide.  Sonny going rant, rant, rant, rage, rage, rage.  Melissa the serial (cereal? - smile) killer.  Roy the Virtuous.  Edward the weak.  Alexis the witless.  The only thing that would make this worse would be for Hannah Scott and Angel Ellis to be introduced as the new co-Police Commissioners.  Wake me when it's better.  

PS:  The ass-kickin screen caps are courtesy of this great site:  ABC Soap Screen Caps 


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