OK, I’m impressed that Vanessa Marcil flashed on for a second.  OK, I’m impressed that the powers that be were able to get through to the day of without letting it leak for absolute certain that she was going to be there.  OK, it’s sweet and romantic that Jax is going to go off and find his long lost supposed dead fiancée.  After all, his first wife was dead and then wasn’t so he has no reason to believe that this one would stay dead either.  In fact, Alexis may have actually inherited the golden ticket for one free death to relief pass, just by virtue of having married Jax, the font of perpetual life.  This guy could bring Lazarus back from the grave.  What irritates me about this whole thing is not only poor Chloe (! – GET me started…I’ll be on that like white on a sheet in just a minute), but the fact that they turned Jax into a psycho just before he left.  OK, Jax loves Brenda.  OK, Jax loves Chloe.  OK, Brenda might be alive, but Jax is pulling some serious “Protect Your Queen” BS by abandoning Chloe and her Tumor to go off scouting for Brenda.  Maybe Helena got to him as well before he tied her to the bedposts.  It’s hard to believe that this is the same guy who was absolutely manic about personally protecting her just last week.  Now he’s stumbling off into the big world to chase after a ghost.  While I, more than most (having experienced it), can appreciate the value of true love (the kind from the movies, the heart-wrenching, soul-shaking, hallmark card sending variety, the kind that the defeated cynic will SWEAR is not out there), I have to confess that this is a little overboard for me.  “I’ve found Brenda.”  “Have you seen her face?” “No, but I know it was her by the way she carried herself and tossed back her hair.”  What??  He’s going to leave Chloe and her Tumor over THAT?  My ex-husband had this weird walk that was like one of those big rubber spiders on the thin rubber strings.  He was military, so he’d be in a group of 15 or so guys, all in GI Joe uniforms and I could pick him out at a quarter mile distance…boingy, boingy, boingy, from his walk.  Now, if he’d been dead for two years and I saw someone with that boingy walk, my first thought would not be to leave my beloved and go hunt for him.  There’d be a decided “Hmmmm,” but Jeez, c’monnnn.   It offends me that Jax was turned into a glazed-eyed, irresponsible idiot over a glance at a woman from a distance.  Poor, poor Ingo.  What a stupid send off.  It just doesn’t fit.  I could have bought it if he’d found Brenda, they’d talked, he had a clear choice and he gave the “I’m Sorry Chloe” speech through his tears.  This just blew.

Now for the Poor Chloe bit.  Anyone who has read my column for any length of time knows that I am not a Chloe-lover by any means.  I think the character is so far away from believable that she should be on a stained-glass window instead of a TV screen.  I wretched big when she was being so sugary sweet with Brook Lynn (“Do you want to roller skate in the driveway or play fairy princess with stepmommy’s expensive designer clothes, hmmm?”  Yack.  Gimme my insulin.).  I have just never enjoyed that whole perfect woman Marmie March persona.  But ow, oww, OWWW!  POOR Chloe!  She gets together her guts, flies to Paris to wrench her man free from the long, spindley arms of Ghost Brenda, only to get there and find that he’s convinced he really found her!  Glassy stare, determined set to his jaw and before you know it, it was, “Thanks for the dance, been good knowing you, later, bye!”    I know that this was one time Chloe was wishing to God she wasn’t so damned noble.  I ached when she collapsed into sobs when he left.  THEN, to top it all off, she’s KIDNAPPED!!  Talk about a crappy day.  No one is going to notice that she’s gone for a while.  Jax thinks that she’s going safely home, plus, with Ingo off the show, there’s no way he’s calling her to check in, not that he could squeeze in that thought when he’s trailing after Brenda like a horndog.  Alexis thinks that Chloe is in Paris with Jax for how long?  A good long while if the reunion is successful.  I figure Stefan has a good week or longer to work his evil doin’s before anyone picks up the scent.  Poor, poor Chloe.  She should have seen the signs.  All that talk about happily ever after and staying that way forever and the propensity of scenes fit of a memory montage can never herald anything good.  Just ask BJ and Lucky.

Did anyone ever wonder, least of all Jax, I suppose, if maybe Brenda doesn’t WANT to be found?  Although the idea of her having the nutball disease was mentioned to Chloe, I find it kind of presumptuous for Jax to assume that Brenda wants him trailing after her.  She’s obviously hooked up with this arms dealer (wouldn’t it be hilarious if he actually sold arms, as in body parts?  Heh heh heh) and might have a good thing going.  People were getting all uppity saying, “Oh, WHY in the world would a good girl like BRENDA want to be with an ARMS DEALER?  Sniff, sniff, sniff.”  Oh, I don’t know…maybe for the same reason she wanted to be with a crime lord and a corporate raider?  She always had that bad boy thing going on.  Jax also threw in the notion that she could have amnesia from the accident.  Since that was two years ago, I would think that if she was going to remember anything, she would.  If she hasn’t, what is he going to prove, running up to her, grabbing her and proclaiming that she is his fiancée?  I’m sure that will go over well with both Brenda AND the arms dealer (still thinking about those arms, aren’t you?).

Next question…I wonder what will happen when Sonny inevitably learns that Jax believes Brenda is alive.  THAT should put an even tighter spin on the Carly-Jason-Sonny triangle.  Will the news of what ultimately happened to Jax and Brenda come through Sonny’s information network?  Which brings us to that open door.

I didn’t think I’d care.  I really didn’t.  Jason was never one of my favorite characters, especially in his pre-accident, flop-haired wussy days.  When he got into the sanctimonious, “I don’t know much, but I know what’s right and wrong” kick, I was fairly sure he’d simply osmosified St Robin’s piousness into his personality.  In fact, I’m fairly sure that whatever church is in Port Charles has stained glass windows of St Jason, St Robin, St Elizabeth and the aforementioned St. Chloe.  I liked Jason with Michael, of course.  Who isn’t a sucker for a guy who’s good with kids?  He kind of pissed me off when he was stringing Carly back and forth, but I got past that.  Much to my surprise, even though I knew who was behind the knock, me heart skipped a wee beat when I saw his sweet little face when Carly opened the door.  Now that I’ve had a day or so to watch him intermingle with Carly and Sonny, I have to say that I enjoy the fact that he is back and I’m eager to see his chemistry with Elizabeth.  Seeing him on screen is like living with someone versus having them visit.  If you live with someone and it sours for a while, you get tired of them and you’re pretty pleased when they vacate.  That’s how it felt for me with Steve Burton just before he left.  I didn’t care for the caliber of performance he was turning in.  I didn’t care for what they were doing with the character of Jason and I didn’t care if he left.  Now that there is some distance between the two of us, I think we are both mellowing and feeling better about his return.  He seems happy to be there and energetic about the part.  For a while, it seemed like he was phoning in his performances.  Now I’m seeing a new buzz for the show there, probably born out of missing the actors (and the paycheck).  Kudos to the return.  I like it.  Sarah Brown was good with him.  Maurice Benard was good with him.  Nancy Lee Grahn was good with him (“I saw you.  You were hanging over a bar in your underwear – snick.”).  Hell, even the kid was glad to see him.  So was I, surprisingly so.  Any chance the distance between me and Flea will make me glad to see her when she gets back on the 7^th?  Not likely.

Pass the Pepto Bismol, folks.  I just replayed the Bobbie-Roy Hot Monkey Sex scene in my head again.  Yack.  Even though the nice, ballady music was playing, in my head I heard the distinctive “boom, shicka, shick, bowww, bowww” 70’s music inherent to every porno ever made as the soundtrack.  I did notice that the second he got the call from Luke, Roy pretty much gave her the bum’s rush, “Hey, sorry, gotta go, thanks for the lay, it was real fine, no you can’t come, silly woman, get the hell outta here and take your kid to the asthma camp or chicken pox seminar or where ever the hell he was going, I’m outta here.” 

Bobbie is pissing me off anyway, bossing everyone around.  When she showed up at the police station, Roy should have known right away there was going to be trouble because she was beginning every other sentence with, “Roy…”  Whenever she starts naming names, heads will roll.  “Roy, you don’t owe Sonny anything.”  “Roy, you don’t want to go back to Pentonville.”  “Roy, you’re an idiot, you know.”  “Roy, only I know what’s best for you.”  Roy, get the hell away from this woman and get your marbles out of her purse on your way out the door.  THEN we have the issue of Lucas, who is little more than an obstacle to her sex life and adventure having.  Did you catch how she tried to palm him off on Tony to take to the Diabetes Camp?  He’s been reduced to a dog that she has to pay someone to feed while she’s out and about. 

THINGS I LOVED:  Loved Helena’s fashion ensemble for killing Chloe.  Tres’ chic.  You’d think that as a fashion designer, Chloe would have take the time to notice the impeccable style of her assailant.  I LOVE how sinister Stefan is, especially since he dispensed with the blonde overcoat he was wearing for the first few weeks of his death.  His Eurotrash accent just warms my little heart.  It cracked me up when he was telling his man-Friday that the gamma ray surgery would render Chloe useless.  Even he knows that her psychic vision is her only asset.  Speaking of his henchman, how could he know exactly what Tony was saying to Chloe at that moment.  Does he have a tumor as well?  Helena also had her share of super drama-riffic lines this week with her, “My assassin??” when Andreas told her that the body of her man had been found over a cliff.  How many people can use those words and not elicit laughter?  Both mother and son have a talent for the dramatic that makes me long for some good old-fashioned, Snidely Whiplash “duh duh DUHHHH” organ music and some shifty, side-to-side eye play.  “She has foiled me again!  This time will be her undoing.  Bwwwaaahahhahahahaha!”  I’m very pleased that Dara, or ANYONE, finally called these idiots on the discussing of confidential police/hospital matters with everyone in town.  I distinctly heard Hannah blabbing to Roy and Bobbie that Dara was going to call Carly as the star witness for the prosecution, among other things that were just none of their damned business.  Then everyone had the nerve to rag on Dara and act as though it is a personal issue!!  I think Dara should take it personally, as ADA, when she hears someone in the process of compromising a case as sensitive and vital as nailing Sonny Corinthos.  For years I’ve heard a patient’s case discussed in hallways at the hospital and confidential police info rehashed at Kelly’s.  Not to mention wondering how many times those kids are going to talk about DeadTed for all of the diner to hear.  Speaking of the kids, if Rebecca Herbst’s (Elizabeth) performance was anything close to realistic, I’ve gotta get me some of that date rape drug.  Emily’s disguise at the rave was hilarious.  How could you not recognize those giant, pleading, “help me” eyes?  Lucky and Elizabeth??  Awwwww.  Loved AJ badgering Ned as he walked through the hall of the courthouse, “Looking for Eddie’s Angel?”  Very real.

THINGS I HATED:  That bizarre foreplay thing Alan and Monica have of accusing each other of having an affair then ripping their clothes off.  Just a little too sick for me. Elizabeth calling Gia a “blackmailing witch.”  When are we EVER going to get off of this soap opera kick of calling nasty women witches?  You can say “bitch” in the soaps and it’s been done extremely well many times, mostly by Laura.  We don’t need to offend the good Wiccans and Hedge Witches any more with this blatant discrimination.  Evolve!  Call her a bitch and get on with it!  Hated Emily yammering on to Lucky about how much he needed her at the rave in case, you know, he phased out?  What would he do then, huh?  As he pointed out, it’s not as though he hasn’t been functioning in public since he returned from the dead.  Is he going to wear her on his shoulder like a pirate’s parrot now “in case he phases out?”  She’s being nice to Juan, so we can’t figure she has any brains.  After what he did, I’d be talking to Uncle Sonny about canceling his “make Juan famous” grant.

Last week I did a list of the top ten reasons why Alan and Monica should not have a baby.  Although I usually do not like to argue against myself (because I always win), a reader challenged me to come up with the top ten reasons why they SHOULD have a baby, so I did just that.  I’ll close with the list. 

10).  Since Tracey left, a legitimate female Quartermaine heir is needed to balance the power.

9).   Edward needs an immobile Quartermaine for a captive audience.

8).  They could make even more money if Monica breastfed.  WHAT a reconstruction!!  The plastic surgeon would pay for the advertising.

7).  Michael needs a playmate in his generation.

6).  Lucas needs a playmate in his generation.

5).  Lesley needs a good laugh.

4).  A Rolls just isn't complete without a mink-lined baby car seat.

3).  The kids at the Christmas Show are petering out more and more each year.

2).  There hasn't been a good baby-napping in two years!

and the number 1 reason why Monica and Alan should have a baby:

1).  Lila's soul needs a place to go so that she can die and finally get some rest.

See ya next week!

E-Mail Katrina