October 31, 2005

My column is late this week because I attended a wedding out of town this weekend.  My daughter was the flower girl.  She was so adorable!  And I am so glad it is over because that is a lot of stress.  She just turned three and is very strong-willed.  I was chewing my fingernails down to the nub.  Fortunately, the bride was very laid back and wasn’t nearly as stressed as I was on the outcome.  All went well, and I came back home to eagerly watch Friday’s episode of All My Children. 

Eagerly?  Yeah, I wanted to finally see Zach get some action, even if it was Hooolia throwing herself at him.  Sorry, I will be calling her Hooolia this week because I can’t hear her name without thinking about the way Kendall said it the one time – “Let me guess, does her name start with Hooolia?”  Hee!  The thing that has me scratching my head was why she wasted her time fooling around with Hank before she put the moves on Zach.  I guess she needed to down that bottle of champagne before she could work up the courage.  I completely know how she feels.  He is so damn hot, that I would have to be pretty doused with liquid to keep myself from bursting into flame.  The problem was that she became a little too shnockered.  She ended up taunting the man about his lack of sex life.  Honey, don’t you think he knows precisely how long its been since he’s had sex?  Do you think reminding him about it over and over is going to get the juices flowing?  Ah, the heck with it.  It wouldn’t have mattered what she said or did, she wasn’t going to pry anything out of him.  He’s waiting for the jackpot.  

PS – calling that poor slob Hank was really a disservice to the name.  It wasn’t that long ago that Tom Wopat rode into town under the name Hank and swept Opal off her feet.  Sigh.  Did you notice Hank copping a feel as he and Hooolia were leaving?  And couldn’t Hooolia put at least a minimum amount of effort in pretending to take the security guard out? 

Erica really has no clue about her daughter.  Well, at least she knew better than Greenlee that Kendall would not consider terminating the pregnancy.  But as far as her feelings for Zach goes - no idea.  And it is probably better that way, because then she won’t feel like she has to buzz around Zach the way she is buzzing around Dr. Madden.  I was really happy to see Kendall defend Zach, when she pointed out to Erica that at least he was willing to support her and protect her.  I wonder if that little revelation into Zach’s motives is what had her hightailing it over to the casino.  Damn it, it could have been her liplocking with Zach instead of Hooolia. 

The other thing Erica has no clue about:  She says that she believes Ryan would never hit Kendall.  That may or may not be true, but one thing Ryan has proven over and over again that he can do to Kendall – pierce her to her very core. Physically hitting her would be a one time thing because she’d body slam him and he would learn the error of his ways.  He’s no fool, he knows how to hit where she can’t fight back - in her soul - and he’s done it many times.  It is precisely why I could never accept a pairing between them ever again.  And it is also perfectly obvious that the last thing on Kendall’s mind is falling for Ryan herself.  She is so desperate for Ryan and Greenlee to get back together.  “This whole big, stupid mess is going to have a happy ending, damn it.”  That could be the other reason she went to see Zach.  She made a decision that she thought would result in happiness, and instead is completely miserable.  If she ever needed support, she really needs it right now. 

I did happen to agree with Erica on one thing this week.  It was pretty harsh of Greenlee to compare Ryan to a rapist (Michael).  Greenlee so loves to use hyperbole in the most inappropriate manner.  I have to wonder if this is all strategic.  Greenlee is perfectly right to be upset with Ryan.  Yet she is going so overboard about it, that it smacks of the writers wanting us to sympathize with Ryan – you know, because she is being so cruel to him - and result in us hoping Greenlee forgives him.  Naughty writers, you know how I feel about manipulation like that. 

JR tried to give Ryan forty whacks with a branch (psst, try attaching a blade to the top of it next time).  The funniest part of that scene was JR shouting at Ryan and Ryan whispering at JR.  I felt sorry for the sound editors.  I was in shock when Jamie didn’t harp on and on about JR’s violent behavior.  By the end of the week JR and Jamie were at that stage in a soap relationship that I love to watch so much – still trading the snarks, but drawing closer to each other in spite of themselves. 

Jacob Young can look so chillingly like Larry Hagman sometimes.  Ever since Stephen King made the connection between the two soap JRs, I haven’t been able to stop noticing it.  His Larry Hagman Moments of the week were when he threatened Babe if she didn’t pour him a drink, and when he was taunting Di about prison. 

I gotta say, JR had me fooled with the “begging at Babe’s stomach” act.  I thought he was for real.  He totally faked me out.  Its probably for the best.  When they do have sex, we can’t have him blaming it on the booze.   

Its fun to watch youngsters try to lecture their elders.  Babe was really laying into Tad about forcing Di to tell the truth.  Finally he had enough and smacked her down.  “So it was wrong to let him think his son was dead but right to let him think his mother was alive? Does it always come down to what's convenient, what keeps you close to Little Adam? Don't preach to me. You don't give a damn about J.R.”  Wow.  Sometimes Tad has no clue at all, but he really laid it out there this time. 

Zach and Di really sparkled together.  Zi!  I loved that he offered her a job – one that would suit her well.  This week we got to see the latest and possibly best incarnation of Di – World Weary Di.  I liked We Are Family Di, but she could get a little too “sunshine and roses” sometimes.  I hated Reluctant Mob Moll Di and am so glad that she’s gone for good.  Unfortunately, Hooolia got her claws into World Weary Di and turned her into Beastie Boy Di (you gotta fight for your right…). 

Hooolia must need a friend pretty badly because her rationale for getting Di to stay in town reeked.  She’s throwing Di to the wolves – what kind of friend is that?  Di went to see Jamie and JR and was shredded.  Then she went to Tad and made a bigger fool of herself there.  Telling him that he was in love with her, not Dixie.  Sorry, Di, but if he was in love with you, the foundation was Dixie.  You need to start fresh and let him see you for who you are and love you for who you are, not using his former love as a blueprint.  Loved Tad’s line about Di being the new town pariah.  “I’m sure Hayward could use a break.” 

So after trashing Di’s life, Hooolia got all dolled up to go see Zach…um, I mean partay!  She’s so clearly on the make.  She didn’t have to drive all the way to the casino.  She could have just as easily picked up some wretch in her brother’s former club.  She knows Zach is married.  Supposedly its in name only, but he is married – to a woman who hates her guts.  Is this how she decides to re-establish herself in town?  Stirring up hornets nests by shoving Di towards people who hate her, and coming on to her enemy’s husband.  I was so hoping that after the Dragon mess, there would be something about her to like.  For the love of crimony, get your nursing license, and go start clashing with David! 

This week was the first time I was really pissed at Kendall.  First she hugged Ryan, which was a deliberate middle finger straight at Zach.  The look on his face killed me.  I saw shades of what he said to Di, when he wished that Kendall could accept the choices he's made. The look when she hugged Ryan said to me that he was annoyed that she seemed quite ready to accept Ryan's choices, but not his.  And then Kendall and Ryan double-teamed Zach with their smugness. Hello? Remember Ryan and Greenlee doing that to you, Kendall?  Ugh.  

I was flabbergasted that she forgave Ryan so easily.  Thinking about it though, from her perspective, it makes sense.   Its threefold: 1. She is over him, so his lies don't hurt her as much - if she is pissed, it is more on behalf of Greenlee. 2. She wants Ryan and Greenlee to make peace, because the thought of handing the baby over under such toxic circumstances, has to make her feel desperate. 3. She has already been twice suspicious that he was alive, and admitted to ruminating over and over as to why he would have done it (the whole, "I'd go over a cliff" thing). So she has already processed through the emotions of it. 

Despite Kendall’s desperation for it all to work out, I’m surprised she didn’t get up and walk out the door right after Ryan explained to her about Jonathan.  Ryan is clearly not going to give up his kung fu grip on his freakazoid brother, so does Kendall really want to have this baby raised by a man who would think nothing of Unca Jonboy taking the kid out for some ice cream? 

Ah, my Zach, my Zach – confronting Greenlee with her responsibility in this whole baby making mess. So cynical. So contemptuous  And the little pest, Greenbee, just couldn't resist standing right up close to him. I don't blame you, dear. Not one bit.  How wonderful is it that on one episode you see Zach contemptuously telling Greenlee to wave bye-bye to her fairy tale princess fantasy and welcome to the real world, and in another episode you see him staring contemplatively at the signature of Kendall Hart Slater on a casino document?  Divine. 

Unexpected hilarious scene of the week: Jack busted the entire door down.  Right off the hinges.  I think Susan Lucci should get an Emmy for not giving in to a fit of the giggles.

Thanks for reading.  Cheers!