February 20, 2003

It seems like such a long time since I last journaled.  I've been having so many thoughts jamming through my head that I can't keep up with them, much less write them down.  I feel like I'm being bombarded with thousands of different info feeds at once and processing them is like trying to sort out the Gordian Knot.  Like Alexander the Great's logic, I have deduced that the easiest way to untie the mess is just to lob right through it with a sword instead of sitting in the mud puddle, mulling it over and thinking deep thoughts for all of eternity, although that doesn't actually sound half bad (albeit impractical...but I never, ever claimed to be practical).

Believe me, this will be long and rambled and will have no consistent or chronological order whatsoever.  It's more of the beginning of the lobbing the sword through the mess and lay out the strands in some kind of recognizable arrangement.

Joe and Sandra arrived a week ago today (which seems impossible that it has been a week).  We had a wonderful visit and they left out Tuesday morning.  It really re-awakened in me how much I miss him and wish they were closer.  He's grown up to be such an incredible man (he's 25) and I'm so proud of him.  His wife is just wonderful and it was great to see her.  I introduced her to the wonder that is the pedicure (I'm telling you, it's an investment you will NOT regret).  I found a different shop (much closer) that has the thrones and actually did the best job I've had yet.  The only thing was that they used the buffer block, which no one else has done yet and when they were doing the bottoms of my feet, I thought I was going to go insane from the tickling.  I couldn't stop from laughing, but did manage not to jerk my feet back.  Girly shit, I know.  I took them to see one of my favorite movies, "Bowling for Columbine," which I could not believe was still showing, since I saw it at The Crest well over a month ago.  I'd love to make it required viewing for all US citizens over 15 or so.  I have long time been a fan of the films director, producer and writer, Michael Moore, who did "Roger and Me" and had a TV show called, "TV Nation."  This particular show is a documentary on how America has been created from and continues to perpetuate an environment of total fear.  The show's then runs from the question of wondering why the number of gun related homicides in the US is so much higher (understatement) than in other countries where the usual reasons cited (poverty, number of guns in the homes, etc) are also prevalent.  His arguments against the war on Iraq make more sense to me than anything else I've heard, so I'm reading them with quite an open mind.  As a former military wife (with over 20 years combined "service"), I can see the military standpoint, but as an intelligent, open-minded individual (or so I flatter myself that it's the case), I can definitely see where this is a real screw up.  I'm not here to debate that, but to shine the sun out the ass of Michael Moore, who, like Phil, makes sense to me and that's a task of Herculean proportions.

Anyway, fortunately, Joe and Sandra enjoyed the movie. 

Josh came back from California Conservation Corp on Monday.  The sister of his best friend was killed and he returned for the funeral.  He was very close to the family and has been with them for most of the time.  I finally got to see him last night and he's here this morning.  I can't believe I actually had all 6 of my children in the same county and couldn't get them together for a picture.  In fact, my camera died and I was unable to get ANY pictures while Joe and Sandra were here.  Still, it was fun.

Josh is supposedly going back on Monday, but plans to be transferred to a station up in Auburn, which is only about an hour away instead of where he is now in Fortuna, which is 6 hours from here.  He seems to be doing well and has even grown some hair!

I am finally getting past this stupid cold.  It looks to be a two day situation.  Delena was down with it on Tuesday and Wednesday, even managing a recurring fever yesterday.  She's back in school today.  The little boys haven't gotten it (yet) but Eric is coming down with it and Josh has it now.  The last two days were tough.  When I'm sick, I just want to crawl off to die somewhere and not be bothered, but of course (insert whiney tone here) moms can't do that, so I've been called to duty.  Yesterday, when I was walking Dylan to school, it was raining and that particularly sucked in a "why God, why??" kind of way.  On Tuesday, Nathan , aka "Wild Child" was particular sweet, well-behaved and cuddly, but yesterday, he was in top form and at his jumping, shrieking, joyfully exuberant best.  Today involves writing this post, cleaning my house (ew) and trying to do something with the pictures on my table (that seem quite comfy there after a couple of weeks).  I need some of those multi-frames with lots of holes for pics, but they are way out of my budget right now.  Also (in the *gasp*yuk* department), I am missing a box of pictures (does not everyone have a huge box of pictures) that include all of my recent pics of the kids from about 1999 on) that is *gulp* in the garage somewhere.  It should be noted that I have never owned a garage that ever saw a car during my tenure of its care.  I'm a terrible packrat (to the extreme dismay of two husbands, thusfar) and always have surplus of boxes that must not be tossed.  Also, when Joe moved to Canada (having inherited my packrattedness), he had to leave a good 90% of his stuff and it is also stored out there.  So pretty much, what I have to do is start moving and going through boxes until I find the smaller box with the photos in it which is Godknowswhere.  I know if I do pictures without them, I will find several that need to be intermingled chronologically and I'll have to redo the whole blessed thing.  So that's part of what's also on the menu today. 

I have decided that what I will "plant" in my life this spring is to, once and for all, work on getting my body into shape.  I don't have any illusions, after 6 births and a solid 10 years of being out of shape, of getting perfect bod, but I can at least do better than I am now, which is mostly eating what I want with an occasional stab at low carb (which is when I feel my best) and being almost totally sedentary. 

The picture arrangements has left me with some strong images of  what my mother looked like at my age.  She was one year away from burying her husband of 26 years, but had spent the previous 15 years or so with one medical malady or another, real or imagined.  I'm sure that took its toll on her and I do recognize that I look better than my mom did at my age, but not by much.  I have no intention, especially with young children and a young husband (Eric is 15 years younger than I am) of tipping out at my parents' ages at their deaths (Dad was 51 and mom was 60), so I'm going to have to do better than I am now.  I have no real known health problems at this time except for a bit of plantar fascitis that flares up from time to time, probably aggravated by my excess weight.  My blood pressure has always been great, on the low side even, my glucose levels are well within normal range (for which I am very grateful, given my delight in all things carb) and I've had no heart related incidents, other than a broken one here and there.  I figure I should capitalize on my impression of good health and get myself into better shape while I still can.  I don't really have any motivation for it other than "I should."  Blah.  Eric is working on at last quitting smoking, so I figure I'll party onto his purity wagon and try to make some changes.  Dr Phil also shook me up a bit a couple of days ago when he was telling some largish woman that in 25 years, her heart would have to pump her blood an extra million miles over what it would if she was a healthy size.  He's so strongly on the "bad to be fat" campaign (which is ironic since he's no lightweight) that I find I sometimes agree and other times disagree with his premises. 

The same goes for his notions on parenting.  I am in total agreement with his opinions on disciplining children and spanking, but I think his notions about sleeping with children is heavy-handed and ill-advised.  But hey, we can't agree on everything.

The issue of Mom's death has been way more debilitating than I expected it to me and being blindsided by it makes it even harder, I think.  I feel like I was preparing for her death since I was 10, but no matter how far apart we'd drifted over the years, I always knew that any time I dialed her number, she'd be absolutely delighted to hear from me.  Sure, our entire conversation would be about her and what was going on in her world.  Anything I mentioned about my life would be quickly rerouted to hers again.  Her world began and ended at her threshold.  I miss her.  I miss her a lot.  There are so many issues about her death that leave me feeling unsettled, and her as well.  She wasn't ready to go left and the energy around her death is extremely...unsettled.   I loved her, but I never realized how much our parents tether us to, I don't know, ourselves in some way.  Being the oldest one in the family right now feels so terminal.  I feel afloat and disconnected in a way I've never experienced before.  I'm having a hard time getting past it and finding my feet again.

I recently ordered The Motherpeace Tarot, which is a very nice round deck that is matriarchal in nature.  Overall, I'm not impressed with products that are gender biased and in the past, the imagery in this deck hasn't particularly appealed to me.  I was drawn to it a few months ago and finally, via e-bay, my patience paid off and I got a fantastic deal on a deck, then found the book on half.com (if you haven't investigated this, please do so) for $3.  My latest motto is, "NEVER pay full price for a book."  I've found that through Amazon Marketplace, half.com and e-bay, I can get about anything I want for pennies on the dollar if I just use some patience and wait for the right moment.  (What seems to defy me on this is the out of print Disney animated "Jungle Book," which seems to jump to $30 every time I bid on it)  This time, the deck has really spoken to me.  I started drawing a card a day for meditation and two days ago, I stopped doing this because I got a really profound reading that I wanted to think on for a while before getting more info.  It was the Daughter of Wands, which represents coming out of a dark time into the light, celebrating life, feeling the dance within us and basically coming out of the cave.  I was considering all of this when I got sick, but it gave me some time to think about it. 

Yikes.  OK, I guess the fitness thing is clinched.  I just realized that  I forgot Delena came home sick at lunch and wouldn't be picking up Dylan, so I had to RUN to the school to pick him up (got there within just a few minutes of the class letting out and there were 5-6 children not yet collected).  It's about 2 blocks and I felt like I was dying.  Returned home just now gasping, sweating and with shin splints.  Yeah, OK, I get the message.  *sigh*  I don't like the message, but I get the message.  God, I hate stuff that's this much work. It was so much more fun getting here than it will be getting back.

Speaking of not fun, I should get busy on my house while I still can and maintain some kind of self-respect.  I've been up and down from this column like Whack-A-Mole all day and have probably not made much sense.

Basically, I'm getting by and working through this mess a little at a time.  Most (say it with me, you know me well), I'm just tired. 

Hope the week went well for you and that the weekend is a wonderful thing.

Take care,

TIME FLIES
by Jimmy Webb

(Can be heard on Rosemary's CD "Demi-Centennial")

Life begins and spirits rise,
and they become memories that vaporize,
and the vapor becomes the dreams we devise,
and while we are dreaming,
time flies.

Night turns to dawn
and dreams to sighs,
and sighs change to sweet love
that never dies,
and love becomes laughter and lullabies,
and while we are dreaming,
time flies.

While we are dreaming,
we meet and exchange conversations routinely,
and nothing seems strange.
But when we awake
there's a sense of unease
that another night's gone
just as quick as you please.

Night turns to dawn
and then to bright skies,
and bright skies to picnics
on warm Julys,
to deep umber autumns
and winter goodbyes,
and while we are dreaming,
time flies.

Good God, She's Verbose!  There's More!