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October 1, 2003 I finally felt Emily. Having her discuss and relate with Baby Kristina the confusion that comes with “too much love” really helped me to see where she’s at with this whole mess. She’s at the level of an infant. Good to know. So, are we still supposed to believe that Felicia thinks Mariah needs her more than her teenage daughters do? Hire a nurse or drag the lady back with you, whatever…but it is time for Felicia to return, one way or another. Go Skye! You detective you! How ever did you know that something suspicious was going on underneath that huge f’ing hat? I guess I’m going to have to be more careful when I put on my favorite “goin’ to the jailhouse” outfit if I don’t want people yanking it off me in public. Who knew something so ordinary would draw attention towards me instead of reflecting it? Hey Stefan, have you ever heard of the telephone? Use your one call next time to tell Miss Cindy (Cindi, Cyndi, Cindee?) to stay AWAY from law enforcement. Hey, when Emily told Zander that they had “always talked about having a child” did anyone else fully expect her to point at Kristina and say, “and now we do”? It seems unfair that everyone else gets a shot at making Kristina their very own, but Em and Zander just get to be babysitters. Maybe they’re waiting for Emily to find out she can’t have children due to the cancer or something, and THEN she’ll realize Kristina was meant to be theirs…yeah, that must be it. Speaking of babies, how interesting is it that the adorable Miss Kristina makes an appearance only in the home of couples we are not interested in seeing together? (Okay, that I’m not interested in seeing together, lol). Skye and Ned…fans are lukewarm? Throw the baby in more often! Fans are annoyed that Zander took Emily back? Give them the baby! Don’t fall for it people. Hey, someone finally mentioned Jax! And lo and behold, he promptly appeared on my screen! How convenient. How did Scott know to come to Zander’s cottage to make his little speech, is he having Kristina followed? I liked the moment between Liz and Ric on the docks. She was absolutely right about him wanting forgiveness yet not ever handing it out. Still not sure I care for a reunite in this instance, but I like that they aren’t making Liz be a total pushover at least. Also like that Courtney confessed to Liz, nice for a change. Courtney, however, should never ever again try to spar with Alcazar. Ever. WTF? Sonny is being haunted by “ghostLily” and he asks her to pray for him? Is he confused? Maybe he thinks he’s on Port Charles and that Lily was sent to be his guardian angel and the creepy music and lightening is just a coincidence? If God himself shows up will Sonny demand that God go meditate in the corner and make absolutely sure that he doesn’t want to maybe let Sonny keep his family? Ah yes, now I remember, that’s just plain easier than quitting the business, isn’t it? I did however, like the conversation between Sonny and Jason after Sonny broke the glass…kudos to Jason for picking right up on the seriousness of the situation as evidenced by the breaking of glass. Everyone knows that means that Sonny is at the “breaking point”. Seriously though, the talk about letting fear drive you crazy and such was built on history at least, and the conversation made some sense. I’m glad Carly saved Lorenzo, but her logic is more faulty than usual. She did it because she knew that the police would go after Jason? But yet she knew from Courtney that Jason and Sonny decided to kill him…did she think they just forgot about the police? Of course, she saved him because she luuuurves him, we all know that. But Sonny! “I’m starting not to care”? “I get that Carly loves me and all that” WTF? I gotta say, I had a big old rant ready about the horrible way Sonny treats Carly and the even more horrible (in some ways) way Carly takes it, but I dunno…I lost steam on it. I just don’t care enough and they get enough play as it is without me devoting three pages to them. Maybe later. One thing I will say though is that Carly most probably trampled Elvis down on the way out of the building…because she sure as heck has left it. TB has made progress in making the role her own and I’m warming to her on some levels (never with Sonny, but that’s a different column), but it’s times like these when I miss the screaming and yelling that SB was capable of…and the quiet rage she could show…even when it manifested itself in nose flaring, lol. Sonny needs to get his ass dumped, period. So, is that baby monitor basically a walkie-talkie or what? Because I’m thinking maybe Em should just give one half of it to Nik and then they can whisper sweet nothings in each other’s ears from afar…and Zander will just think Em’s being a conscientious babysitter. I mean really, that thing can come in so handy! Lydia wouldn’t have needed a tape recorder to get Stefan; she could’ve just left half the monitor with the cops. Had Ned and Skye realized those things were available, they could’ve caught Dobson much sooner. Stay tuned, in no time at all this will most definitely replace eavesdropping on the docks. Lucky: “If you want Stefan behind bars, I know just how to do it” cuz, ya know, he read the Cliff Notes of the Police Officer’s Manual. That’s about it for the snarky comments this time around. Always love to hear your thoughts! In the interest of full disclosure and for the well being of modern medicine, I’ve secured permission to reveal the true story of Emily’s miraculous cure from cancer. Insert your own Emspeak, I personally say all her lines with a breathy voice and pause often for effect, but you may have a different Emspeak and that is perfectly fine. Cover the Cancer! Emily: “I’ve learned so much from you about love and men already Baby Kristina, and I’m so very glad you were sent here to teach me. Yes I am, yes…*giggle* Yes, I am! Now let me get you a blanket!
Zander: “What’s with all the blankets? There is already one hanging right there Em, why did you bring her another?”
*Gasp* (To self) “He can’t know anything…don’t panic, just breath…he’s already gotten tired of waiting for an answer and left again…breathe. The secret is safe.”
***Later that day***
Skye: “C’mon Em, tell me the secret to your miraculous recovery! This could be huge, we could make millions…or at the very least since you like me now you can let me in on it in case I ever catch that nasty cancer!”
Em: “Oh Skye, it really is a miracle! But you have to double dog swear that you will not tell Zander because I have to protect him from this! It would kill him if he knew that the cure had anything to do with Nikolas… and I can’t do that to him! Ok, so it all started when I was in that horrible hospital room and I just knew I would never recover lying underneath those disgusting rough cotton covers. I mean Gawd, have you seen those things? They’re like burlap sacks! I asked that silly blonde chick Maxim, or whatever her name is, for something that could at least qualify as Pima cotton for goodness sakes, but she wanted me to pay her with pills for anything extra and I only had a morphine drip going so that wasn’t gonna work. Cancer kinda sucks, but this, Skye THIS was a nightmare!”
“Then it happened…”
“Nikolas came in, tucked that ugly-assed blanket around me and told me that I would never, ever have to worry about blankets again, that I would hereafter always be covered with only the best…oh, and he said he could cure the cancer too! I fell fast asleep, and had the most marvelous dream.
“And Skye, it was amazing, Nikolas whispered it to me…he told me how I could conquer the cancer! He kinda lost me when he started talking about rock, paper, scissors and how the paper is the cover and it can cover anything and that covers are the key. But when I awoke I knew exactly what I had to do. Luckily, an opportunity presented itself out of nowhere when I called and made Nikolas come over during a rainstorm; the suddenness and spontaneity of it surprised even me!”
“Nikolas showed up, I handed him the blanket, and in short order we were rolling around doing the nasty on it! Right afterwards, I felt more energetic and full of life than I ever have! I know the theory sounds far fetched, but believe me, I’ve tested it out and what Nikolas told me in my dream was completely true, if I have extra-marital sex with as many different people on as many different blankets as possible, I will continue to be cancer free AND I’ll have one kick-ass collection of blankets full of marvelous memories as well! Can you believe it?
Skye: “Frankly no Emily, I don’t believe it. Exactly how many times have you tried out the theory?”
Em: “Well, after Nikolas, I felt a little guilty because some moron took pictures and it made Zander all pissy. So I decided I’d just go ahead and die rather than hurt Zander anymore, besides, I was feeling really well so I wasn’t too worried. But then, I was sitting on the couch and I snagged a fingernail on this cashmere throw I have on there, and I just knew that it was a sign and that I needed to get back to my calling. And here’s the really miraculous part, the blankets and people seem to be called to come to me! I never even have to leave my house! The doorbell rang, in walked…
…and she had a present for me! At first I wasn’t really sure about the whole thing, but she has some really persuasive eyes and well, it felt good to have some nice strong arms around me again.”
“After that there was a lull for a couple days, and I started getting worried that maybe I had made a mistake so I went to see Liz at the hospital because I can always count on her. The thing is though, she was lying under one of those horrible blankets and I realized that I was obviously not meant to share any of this with Liz. I decided to trust the process and just spend my extra time writing about the whole thing in my diary because who knows, like you said, this may be an important medical breakthrough and maybe someday a doctor will stumble upon my diary!”
“Then the next day, the doorbell rang again…
…and it was Zander’s father! At first everything was fine, but he had the baby with him and when I took her from him I saw the blanket, it…it was draped over his shoulder…and well, I knew what I had to do. But it was Zander’s father! This one really hurt me Skye, it’s rough the things you have to do in the name of life…but he promised if he ever comes back with a blanket again, that he’ll shave first so next time should be much smoother.” “So you see Skye, it hurts that I have to do this to Zander, but it really is my only choice. And it’s not really my fault that Zander isn’t smart enough to make better use of blankets, is it? Why should I be punished for that? I’m a little worried though, because it’s been like 24 hours and no new blankets have shown up; I’m starting to feel weak! Skye, howEVAH will Zander live without me if I don’t find someone else to play blankie boinkee with me…and soon?” **Doorbell Rings**
And so it went. And Emily lived happily ever after. The end.
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