Mecurial Mercurio  By Sherry Mercurio
May 14th, 2002

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I’m not sure we can exactly say that “Love in the Afternoon” is back, but we can definitely say that good old-fashioned S-E-X is!  I haven’t actually scientifically calculated this or anything but I really think that there have been more love scenes in the past couple of weeks than there were over the entire last year.  It’s fine with me although I must say that the quantity and synchronicity of it all are astounding.  I haven’t been able to catch many other soaps lately so when the GH’ers all started acting like soap characters again, well, I felt like I was seeing my first “R” rated movie all over again.  It’s been fascinating.   

We have a lot to discuss since it’s been quite awhile since my last column.  I haven’t had time to write lately but I have been making notes as I watch.  Prepare yourself for a jumbled mess of thoughts and opinions – no time to sort it out and make it coherent!  You’re going to have to wade through it all to find the parts you care about because it’s in no particular order I’m afraid.  I’m also afraid it’s going to be quite long… so get comfortable, I plan to keep you here awhile! 

Lucky/Nikolas/Gia/Laura – I have to start here because this has been really driving me crazy.  I have a few things to get off my chest on this one, beginning with that inane photo shoot.  They have ten people running around preparing.  They have a car and an outdoor location, presumably something they had to get permission to use and an area they had to clear.  They have a model and a photographer.  This is their new campaign and it’s BIG to them.  THEN…because Lucky is in a snit over something outside of this work situation, he decides to make rude and degrading (don’t even care if she deserved it – NOT the point!) comments to the model, refuses to stop and discuss it privately at her request, decides to take a total of fifteen pictures which took him 30 seconds (yes, I counted – nothing else to do but watch Lucky sputter), ALL fifteen in one pose (unless you count tilting your head at a slightly different angle, a different pose – I don’t when there is a freaking car in the picture too so I’m doubting it’s a close-up!), and then decides that he has enough and they can just get a different shoot set up if they need more??!!!???  I soooo wanted Elton to slap him one.   

Ok, then cut to Laura’s office.  Gia shouldn’t have barged in while Laura was with a client and she shouldn’t have made ultimatums while in front of said client and I would have been on board with Laura telling her so.   But then Laura, who knows better than this – I know she does –or at least she used to, started spouting crap like “You’re asking me to choose between my Son and you and I will choose my Son every time!”  Huh?  See, I don’t see it that way at all.  I don’t see where this has much to do with Gia at all really.  It’s about Nikolas and Lucky.  Gia doesn’t need Lucky as a friend; she just needs Lucky to act like he’s over the age of eight while he’s working.  The only thing he needs to do is act like a professional doing his job and then he can walk away from Gia and not speak to her in any other circumstances for all she cares.  He doesn’t have to like her but he does have to work with her and not be a prick!  And as for Laura, she is not choosing between her photographer and her model, she’s choosing between her sons.  If she’s going to allow one son to be disrespectful and ignorant to her other son’s fiancée then she’s choosing between her sons.  That’s all there is to it.  She shouldn’t condone what Nik did to Liz and she shouldn’t condone the way Lucky is handling it either.  She should let the brats work it out themselves and truly stay out of it like she said she was going to.  And if she were staying out of it then she wouldn’t have taken sides in the argument that took place on the photo shoot.  And anyone that wasn’t taking sides in that argument could see that Lucky was the one at fault and therefore he gets reprimanded by the boss and is told to grow up and act like…well, he can’t ACT like anything at all so I’ll just leave it at that. 

Sherlock Gia/Courtney – Come on!  I can’t even believe it.  Who knew she had this hidden obscure talent of all-knowingness when it comes to liars.  She seemed to buy Nikolas and Liz’s ruse back when they were helping Lucky, but maybe that was just a cover to throw us off the trail.  And she doesn’t seem to be catching on to Sharifa’s true intentions but maybe that’s just because she’s too busy sniffing out AJ for her new friend Courtney.  Yes, I’m sure if she were home more she would see right through Sharifa in the blink of an eye.  She could tell that AJ was speaking only untruths after a mere two minutes in his presence.  Let’s hope they keep her burgeoning talent under wraps from the rest of the town or she could be a serious threat to the genre.  I will say, though, that I did like Gia bringing up the AJ, Sonny and Hannah link to Courtney while they were on the docks.  That was something I hadn’t thought of and it was a good way to bring some history (even Hannah history is technically still considered history, like it or not!) to the AJ and Sonny feud that wasn’t the same recycled Michael stuff.    

I also liked Jax talking to Skye about the search for Carly.  He was talking about how to execute the search, tides, etc. and it was a great reference to his search for Brenda and the probable research and lessons he learned during that experience without it being thrown in our faces.  I thought all of the subtle references and the brief conversations Jax had with Skye and with Sonny, were just enough without going overboard.   

How convenient for all the onlookers of the Carly search that there is that great, freshly painted railing up on the bluff.  There doesn’t appear to be any real path along it and it doesn’t appear there would often be a reason for anyone to be standing up there in the middle of nowhere, but hey, the railing looks great holding Sonny and Zander up.   

I liked Edward's reaction to Carly’s disappearance.  He always had a certain strange respect for her and I was glad to see they at least had him pause for a second to acknowledge that before he started plotting with AJ. 

I love musical montages and everyone knows GH rules at doing them.  I love that you can take what you want from the actors’ expressions.  I know there is a feeling they are trying to portray, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with them!  I can decide for myself what I think they are feeling – I love that. 

Rosie the Puppy and The Checkbook – Who knew AJ would be the rebel.  Two gifts that ABC can’t sell and they come from the same guy.  Go AJ!   

Big Alice and Reginald were funny the other day.  I really miss the wacky Quartermaine aspect of the show – humor has been a bit hard to find in general lately.  I realize it’s hard to have a good laugh when every good looking man in town is running up to Bobbie or Sonny with a soggy shoe, purse… or worse, in his hands but if we could just maybe, start up another story that is unrelated to Carly, then maybe someone in town could amuse us once in awhile. 

I think that Zander and Carly have the same chin-tilted, bug-eyed glare when they are angry.  They’re either related or they are both taking anger-acting lessons from the same person. 

AJ, Courtney and Rosie the Puppy enter the Q’s from outside.  Edward follows moments later, holding his shoe.  He complains about the dog not being “housebroken” yet.  Since when does housebroken include the outdoors? 

In another stunning example of lie-detectoring, Rae told Alan that Monica really meant what she was saying this time when she brought the divorce papers to him.  Of course, later she told Skye that she didn’t think Monica was serious; that she thought it was just a threat.  OOHH!  Rae is a Liar!!!  I know she is!  Liar, Liar Pants on Fire…see I can do it too!  Sherry the lie detector.  It must be catchy!  

Yes, Sarah.  The best way to ensure that you will NOT do “this” to your sister is to tell Lucky that anytime one of you slips the other will be RIGHT THERE to help the other out.  Yep, that should work out fine – you two just stick closely together and you’ll be able to resist.  I have complete faith in you both. 

Gia: “Where did you ride?”  Nikolas:  “Along the coast”  Gia:  “But isn’t that on the other side of the island?”  Merriam-Webster Dictionary: “the land near a shore”  Ummm…it’s an island, isn’t the coast on every side? 

Lucky:  (I didn’t care enough to quote this exactly, sorry) I have to help my Aunt Bobbie…I have to be there for her right now…but I have to do these prints too…My Mom will just have to understand, I have to go to Aunt Bobbie.  WTF??!!  Since when is he more support to Bobbie than his father or Laura would be?  The only thing I’ve seen him do at Bobbie’s so far is fight with Nikolas.  Whatever. 

Mrs. Lansbury delivers an important envelope that just arrived.  Nikolas doesn’t want to bother opening it, telling Gia that if he opened every envelope immediately that was marked “Urgent” he’d be at his desk sixteen hours a day (sure he would).  Not five minutes later, he sets down a tape that has incriminating evidence on it that could send he and his woman both to jail – while other people are in the room, no less – so that he can immediately open an envelope that Mrs. Lansbury just delivered that is marked “Urgent”.  Oh yes, the Cassadine fortune is secure with Nik in charge, don’t give it another thought.  

Carly’s disappearance.  Hmmm…I’m not really sure what I want to say about this.  I’m not all that interested in whether she’s really gone or not.  I can understand Zander’s angst to an extent, but he needs to get a grip.  I can buy him feeling responsible (he’s not, in my opinion, unless you want to make the argument that friends don’t let friends drive pissed…) but I am not at all happy with his jumping all over Alexis.  I think that the confrontation with Sonny had little to do with Sonny and Alexis being together, it was all about Zander’s jealousy of Sonny’s hold on Carly.   So I can see where that confrontation was bound to happen and I enjoyed it for what it was.  But when he made Alexis feel guilty I was not happy!  If he’s going to actually come right out and say that the accident was caused by Carly being upset – then he, himself, is the one to blame.  Carly arrived at his room safe and sound, even though she was upset by what she had seen.  Then he rejected her (as he should have) and she was even more upset when she left, never making it home.  So if we are blaming, I think you gotta go with the last moment of upset, not the first.  Not that I agree with him – I don’t think any of them are to blame.   

I find it fascinating that Carly has every eligible man in town sending out his “men” to search for her.  She sure has managed to make the right friends around town.  It’s either a really big lake or all these divers are swimming circles around each other, but I doubt she’d be complaining!  I also find it fascinating that every bit of important news so far has arrived via anyone BUT the cops.  Are the police really calling Jax or Nikolas to tell them to go tell Bobbie or Sonny that they have found a purse, body, etc?  Roy knows about a body brought into a morgue because he has “feelers” out and he goes to ID it?  Wouldn’t the police have already checked any new bodies brought in??  Either all these “men” are way better than the cops, or the cops are talking to whomever they run into first about what they are finding.  Seems a bit odd to me.  I do get a bit jealous watching lately though.  I want some “men” to order around.  And how come only men have “men” to call on?  Helena has “men” but she’s a villain so that’s why she gets them.  Why aren’t there any “good” girls that have “men”?  If Jax and Nik get them then so should Alexis and Skye.  It’s not right, GH shouldn’t be stifling a girls dreams and aspirations!!  Equal opportunity “men” having, that’s my wish! 

It’s better lately.  But it still feels like it’s in limbo.  This Carly thing is overpowering any other story at the moment and it’s getting to be a bit much.  I think the results will be worth riding it out, but I’m tired of hearing about it already.  The accident has given NLG as Alexis some great opportunities to shine; I really believe that woman is lost and alone.  MB has also given Sonny some great moments.  I was happy to see Ned comfort Alexis instead of making her feel bad, maybe that is a step in the right direction for them.  Granted, the sleeping with Kristina thing was two steps back, but Alexis handled walking in on them appropriately.  Carly should take lessons.  But mostly the accident has just taken over the show.  It’s a little weird, the whole town being involved.  Most of them don’t like Carly, but I suppose most of them do like Bobbie so I guess I won’t complain too much.  It was a bit strange to see Jax and Sonny at the morgue together.  I don’t mind them getting along, Jax is more interesting to me when he’s around Sonny or Alexis than when he’s around most anyone else.  But I really don’t know why Sonny would want Jax anywhere near him when he viewed the body.  It just doesn’t make much sense to me.  I’m intrigued though, that I don’t really know where this is going.  It’s been awhile since there was something to ponder (other than pondering how certain people got certain jobs with this show) about GH.  That must be a step in the right direction.  I do wish for at least ONE other story that isn’t involved in the “Carly’s gone, Oh No!” saga.  It’s not normal, all characters on a soap being so completely tied up in one event for so long.  Get on with it already! 

I’ll leave you with my theory on Carly.  I believe that she is very much alive.  I think that she was driving along having already forgotten about Zander, singing with the radio, when she saw a flaxen-haired hitchhiker that resembled her childhood dream man, Fabio.  She thinks, screw that little mobster and his even littler henchman, so she picks him up, they stop for a bite to eat at Burger King where he buys her whatever the BK equivalent of a Happy Meal is, and she puts her cardboard crown on her head.   They park up near the bluff and “get to know one another better”.  He tells her he thinks she’s really smart and that she makes very wise decisions at all times.  Her eyes light up like never before and when he asks, she agrees to marry him.  They decide to go to Vegas immediately.  But wait!  She realizes she can’t leave without telling Michael she’ll be gone for a few days.  He remembers that he has to call his boss in private and tell him that he has Corinthos’s wife right where he wants her.  So Carly calls a cab with the cell phone and heads off to see Michael.  She has the cab take her home first so she can pack a bag and pull one of her wedding dresses out of her closet.  Meanwhile Fabio-like guy calls in to report his success and is reminded that his boss anxiously awaits meeting HIS new bride.  You see, Fabio-like guy has one of those cell phones with the static problem and he thought that he was supposed to seduce and marry Carly himself, but he was really supposed to deliver her, untouched, to his boss (a very, very, bad mobster enemy of Sonny’s – as of yet, not cast) so that the boss could seduce and marry her.  Upon hanging up the phone he realizes this error will cost him his life, so he drives himself over the bluff, choosing to choose for himself the fishes with which he will sleep.  

 Carly meanwhile has gathered her stuff, and not wanting to be talked out of her perfectly rational decision, she shimmies up the drainpipe of the brownstone and taps on Mikey’s window – motioning him outside.  The drainpipe comes unhinged and she falls two-story’s hitting her head and breaking two fingernails.  Mikey comes out, and being a good mom she hides her injury from him, placing her crown back on her head and telling him whatever drivel he told Sonny she said.  Then she walks away, gets two blocks down the road and collapses in an alley.  A woman dressed all in white, before Memorial Day again, finds her there and drags her off to the Quartermaine boatshed locking her in.  But it’s okay because Skye left great directions on how to escape etched on a board Carly can see from anchor she’s tied to.   And luckily she happens to have a plastic knife from Burger King in her pocket.  It’s just a matter of time before she gnaws her way through the rope, swims to safety and shows up at Sonny’s door, pregnant with Fabio-like guy’s baby.  She will promptly pass it off as Sonny’s (after he has guilt sex with her) or Zander’s (after he has guilt sex with her too) and then ask the other one to raise the child.  It will be a new and innovative storyline involving custody battles like we’ve never seen before, trust me.   You’ll love it. 

Things are looking up and they are going to get even better soon I think.  Enjoy sweeps and I will be back with more thoughts before you know it! 


P.S.  Goodness, I almost forgot!  I still hate NuMaxie and I’m still waiting for someone to fix that mistake!  Watching her and Lucky talk to each other is like watching a door talk to a wall, the door having quite the set of lips and the wall having a nice set of pecs, of course.  Though that wall looks like someone took hedge trimmers to his hair.  Get a new gardener Lucky!   

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