Three’s a Charm!! 

This is the third time I’ve attempted to write a new column.  The sad, miserable results of the first time is documented below.  I’m still a bit wounded from that one, so I’m treading slowly.  The second got as far as about 3 lines before it died on the vine, another victim of MommyDuty.  Now, I have a feeling success will be mine.  I have some dumb stuff to talk about before I start tearing apart the shows for real.  Both are GH related. 

First off, my pal Marney, bless her heart, sent me $20, which is like $200 right now.   She told me to do whatever with it, so I took the hubby out to Elephant Bar, which is one of our favorite Eat Holes.  After the crappy-assed week we both had, we definitely needed a break.  I had this really cool BBQ chicken sandwich which is something like 12 WW points, but it was super yummy.  I also had about a gallon of iced tea and a couple of tato skins.  Anyway, I started looking around (it’s African themed, in case you couldn’t catch it from the name) and saw the leopard print booths and huge plaster elephant in the center and the weird walls with the carved holes for windows and it suddenly dawned on me that it was The Flintstones' restaurant.  Then I couldn’t STOP seeing it...Flintstone stuff everywhere.  What does this have to do with soaps, you might ask?  The fact that about halfway through my sammy, my eyes bugged and my jaw dropped (which was kinda gross because I happened to be chewing at the time) because the guy slinging drinks out to the dining room was the spitting image of Michael Saucedo!!!  It was really freaky.  

Also freaky and spurred into memory by the Michael Saudedo memory was a dream I had the other night about GH.  I *never* dream about GH.  I’m purely a Brady Bunch person.  I’ve had about 100 dreams in my life of being one of the Brady Bunch kids.  Anyway, this time, I was in the Green Room or lounge or something similar for GH.  I was there alone, checking out the eats and looking at some framed autographed photos on the walls, dating way back, plus one wall of group cast photos for every year that GH has been on the air.  I remember thinking about how cool that was and getting flustered that somewhere in the 80’s there were photos in which I knew only about half the people.  There were big, cushy, overstuffed chairs and couches all around and a couple of big tables.  One, off to the side, was set up conference style (this was a huge room) and there were 3-4 scripts lying on the table.   There was a water cooler (Sparklets, in fact) and a fridge stocked to the nines with every soft drink and bottled water imaginable.  There was also a bar with tons of liquor and snacks like peanuts, chips, pretzels and a really cool trail mix, the kind with the little brown grid things that taste like pecans (I have totally detailed dreams and food is often involved). 

So I was poking around, looking at the million or so photos on the wall (there was a huge picture of John Beradino that was almost shrine-like and I remember lots of red tones in it), munching on a few things and sipping a ginger ale when in walks Rebecca Herbst.  It stands to be noted that I was exactly who I was now, not an actor on the show or anything weird like that (it was weird enough already).  I’ve met RH and she’s, like everyone else on the show, super petite.  I remember thinking that she looked really good for having just had a baby a few months ago and told her so.  She laughed and said she was going to have to hit the bathroom and express some milk or her boobs were going to explode.  This hit me as terrifically funny and made me appreciate her a lot more.  When I laughed, she said, “And to think I was going to have an augmentation!  All I ever needed to do was breastfeed.”  I told her I thought she’d already had a boob job and she told me she hadn’t, but she had to really fight her weight all the time and that it tended to hit her in the boobs first, so a lot of people thought she’d been done.  She said she has to stay so thin for TV that her boobs even still look unusually small in comparison to the rest of the cast.  I told her I thought she looked great and she reiterated that the extra baby boobage was a good thing.  She excused herself to the bathroom and I considered that she was a really nice and real person, not all stuck up like she seemed at the GH luncheon last year.  I wrote last year off to pregnant ick and decided to put her back on my A list.  Just then, Michael Saucedo showed up with their baby and it was totally cute.  She came out and said she was glad he was here, she was just getting ready to pump and he told her the baby would be really glad.  She put baby where he wanted to be and both were happy.  We were all sitting around on the couches like homeys and she asked MS how the interview had gone (I presume not for Elephant Bar, cocktail boy).  He said it was good and that they thought a record deal would probably come of it.  I was puzzled, decided to interject and said (tactfully talking around the "RH is pushing hard for it" rumor) that I thought he wanted to come back to GH.  He made the “Pfffft” sound and said that even though he’d left on good terms with GH, he wouldn’t come back no matter how much they paid him.  “Juan is done,” he said.  “They [the fans, I guess or maybe the powers that be] don’t want him here and he doesn’t want to be here.  If I have to say ‘my girlfriend’ one more time, I’m going to go to Pentonville for killing ‘my girlfriend.’”  He said he was concentrating on his music and asked if I wanted to hear one of his songs.  I was cringing a bit, but wanted to be nice, so I said, “Sure.”  He leaned over the baby, who was still nursing, and started to sing, “Seems like all of the time people change their minds about what they think love should be…”  I said,  “AAAAGGGGHHHH [trying not to bother the baby, who was still chugging away]!!  Don’t you know ANY other songs??”  He looked really hurt and said that he did and started singing, “We’ve got tonight…don’t hesitate…”  I rolled my eyes and said I had to go pee.  When I came back out, they were gone, but he’d left a CD with my name on it (literally) and it had those two songs recorded to all different beats, so it would say, “We’ve Got Tonight – Techno,” “We’ve Got Tonight – Bluesy,” “We’ve Got Tonight – Bush Beat,” “We’ve Got Tonight – Country…”  I wanted to take it out and sit my drink on it, but I thought they might come back and after she’d been so nice, I didn’t want to be a total ass.  

While I was still holding the CD, Steve Burton came in and he looked soooo good.   When I dreamed this it was last weekend, so I still had the image in my head of him with his nasty, greasy, Buster Brown do, but here he’d gotten a cut and wash and looked really hunky and nice.  He laughed and said, “Oh, you got one too?  [indicating the CD I was holding] We used them for coasters in Mo’s room.”  We had a laugh over that.  I told him I’d just seen him in “The Last Castle” and he snorted and said, “Oh, you’re the one who rented it.”  I said I thought it had done really well and he said it was OK, but that he wished he could for once play a role that wasn’t a suck up role.  He said he was told that was where they were going with Jason when he had the accident, but that it derailed into him kissing Sonny’s butt instead of everyone else’s like he had when he was Jason Quartermaine.  I asked him if he’d really said those nasty things I’d heard attributed to him about Sarah Brown and he said he had, but that he felt bad about it now because she just had issues like everybody else and that he and Maurice had gotten caught up and the conversation had blow up out of control.  I asked if she really did taste like ashtray and he said most definitely and that he really hated that when he was kissing.  He said he’d heard she’d quit smoking lately though and that she was really pretty cool, she was just super ambitious and had stepped on a few people in her eagerness to be a star.  I told him I’d heard he was all stuck up and he laughed and said he didn’t think so, he just didn’t like to talk much and got a little weirded out around big groups of people, so sometimes he might come off that way.  

Rachel Ames came in just then and she was wringing her hand and fretting about something.  I didn’t know really want to say or do, but after a couple of turns around the room, she left again.  I remember thinking that the looked like the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, muttering about being late for a very important date.  

Ingo came in and spied Steve and put out his hand and welcomed him back.  Steve looked him up and down and said, “F—k you, Bush Boy” and I got really uncomfortable, because Ingo’s face fell to the floor and he still had his hand out for a while.  Just then, Maurice Benard stuck his head in the door and said, “Pssssst.”  We all looked and he jerked his head back to indicate for Steve to come with him.  Steve told me good-bye and said it was nice talking to me (like he hadn't just castrated Ingo in front of me) and left with MB.  Ingo went over to get a bottled water from the cupboard and I asked him what all that was about.  He shrugged and said it was just hormones, he guessed and then smiled that killer smile and toasted me with his bottle of water.  “Cheers, dear,” and he left.  

Stuart Damon came in and had his little son/grandson, Alex with him.  I remember feeling stunned at how big he was (SD, not the son/grandson) and remembered him from his Prince Charming and "nursery roof falling on him" days.  He looked at me and said, “I know what you’re thinking” in this Alan Quartermaine recovered alcoholic voice.  “Huh?” I said.  “You’re thinking about how much bigger I am than you thought I’d be.” I must have looked uneasy because he said, “It’s OK, really.  It doesn’t bother me.  I’m rich.  Besides, you aren’t quite as svelte as you used to be either.”  I asked how he would know that and he said he used to come into the library where I worked on George AFB and noticed that I looked a hell of a lot better back then.  I thanked him for his keen observation powers and told him I didn’t mean any insult or anything.  He kind of pulled his kid out the door and I felt kind of bad for thinking he was big as a barn when I have gained a good amount of weight myself in the past 15 years.  I really hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings or anything. 

So then, Stephen Nichols and Robert Kelker Kelly walked in and I felt a whole lot better.  “Guys!!  What are you doing here?”  RKK said, “Haven’t you heard?  Guza’s bringing back the Cassadine brothers!”  Then they did this really silly thing where they played air guitars and sang, “The Boys Are Back In Town” and had me cracking up.  While we were laughing, tear rolling and sides hurting, Genie Francis came in and said, “Are you the one who upset Stuart?”  I told her I hadn’t meant to, that all I did was look at him.  She looked at me all sternish and said, “But you thought it, didn’t you?”  I felt bad and looked down and she said, “The dark series of Pokemon cards belongs to Team Rocket.  And don’t you forget it.”  Then she left and the three of us looked at each other and they started to play, “The Boys Are Back In Town” on air guitar again and sing and we laughed a lot more.  When they finished, Stephen Nichols said, “So do you want to make out?” and I thought he was talking to RKK and didn’t know what to say.  I felt really out of place.  “I mean you with us,” he clarified and I said, “I thought you were both married.”  RKK said, “Well aren’t you?  That makes us all even.”  So that made sense to me in the dream and SN pulled a hide-a-bed out from one of the sofas and it was funny because this really cool, fully made, satin sheet and comforter with tons of pillows bed just popped out from the sofa, already made up.  RKK put a quarter in the side of the couch and it started to vibrate and we all started to make out.  It  was going really good and then Dylan woke me up to get him some Frosted Flakes.  Afterwards, I did that thing were you try to get to sleep really fast so maybe you can catch the dream again, but alas, to no avail.  Sure, I can revisit that stupid “bowling on the Starship Enterprise dream” or the one where I’m in school and can't find my locker or my class schedule as many times as I want, but give me a sex fest with RKK and SN and it’s gone forever.  *sniff*

Now that my head is all purged from the GH dream, I’m going to try and put a few thoughts together about the shows.  First, one about the site.  OK, maybe a couple.  I hope that you like the new layout.  The original site (the black and grey) was designed by my son, Joe Humphrey from The Walking Man Productions (his web design and indy film company in Canada) when we debuted in August of 2000.  He is also the creator of www.hardcorebilliam.com (extremely funny if you have a rank sense of humor, which I do, I might add – bet you may have figured that out if you are a long time reader – and not for the light of heart or virgin of eyes)…I particularly recommend the section called “My Best Sh!t.”  There’s some hilarious stuff there.  The also has some brilliant stuff at www.joehumphrey.com, including a fantastic page on Fahruza Balk, one on Sylvia Plath and my all time favorite, The Psychic Monkey.  “Yahoo Internet” magazine (the real magazine, not an e-zine) did a 5 page spread on him that will be on the stands for the July issue, which goes out this week for subscribers and June 15^th for the newsstands.  Joe is a fabulous writer and I’m so tremendously proud of him.  Oh, I almost forgot another site of his that is incredible and very “The Onion” oriented:  www.upyourmind.com.   Anyway, Joe was suggesting that I update the site and sent me a couple of ideas and I thought they were great and ran with them.  You’ll run into a bug here and there, but it should be clear in a week or so.  Our regular url is still screwed up, so for now, your best bet is to keep accessing us at www.eyeonsoaps.addr.com.  The situation may or may not ever get fixed, mostly because it’s a corruption very deep within the internet/Internic root servers and no one, but NO ONE seems willing to figure out how to fix it.  My web host blames my ISP, who blames my registrar, who blames the web host.  I even contacted Secured-net.net, the poor hapless bastards of having the misfortune of being the target of the wrong IP address in the corruption.  Their phone number is on the home page you keep getting and people are calling it to find out where we are and of course, they don’t have a clue.  Light candles, say prayers and let’s hope it works out eventually.  If you are reading this, you are one of about 1/5 of our readers who has gotten the word about our temporary url with the ‘addr’ in it.  Also, don’t forget that the Eye Award Winners have been announced.  They may be accessed from www.eyeonsoaps.addr.com/announcements.htm 

AMC 

You have to love subtlety.  All of that stroking of Maria’s…tomb?  Sarcophagus?  What the hell was that thing?  And Brooke’s statement about how nothing will keep them from being married and Edmund saying he’s ready to let go of Maria and Mateo needing her blood for Endzone…if Christ Himself were to stand at that…tomb?  Sarcophagus?  Whatever and boom out, “Maria, come FORTH!” we wouldn’t get her barreling back to Pine Valley any faster.  Aye Yi Yi.  You’ve got the pave the way for an icky, sticky, Tad-Brooke love fest somehow, I guess.  It’s like those tiled puzzles from when we were kids that you have to scoot around the frame to make a picture…move this one here, slide this one there, put this person over here and let it stick for a while. 

Green and Leo are a real hoot now.  Is Mary a barracuda or what?  A Marracuda?  I don’t get why there is such a big deal about Simone and Roger sleeping together.  Two consenting adults have to sneak around and be ashamed when Leo charges in and interrupts a private moment?  She what if Greenlee’s best friend is bagging and being bagged by her dad.   It’s not like they’re in her back yard picking off her puppies with a .22 or something!  Grow up, people!  Actually, I have a feeling that Simone is using Greenlee as an excuse to dump Roger.  She’s acted like she barely tolerates him since their relationship was revealed and I think she’s looking to get shed of him.  She does, however, wear nice shoes. 

You know what I really admire about Rebecca Budig?  The fact that she has no boobs.  In an industry where “boobs on a sick” (as my friend, Chris, calls them) are the standards, RB doesn’t bow to surgery to feel confident about her looks and know that she’s beautiful.  I am very impressed by that. 

Be advised that GH’s Anna Devane is a far cry from this shrewish, jealous, insecure, sniveling, bitchy, insincere dishrag that you poor AMC people are seeing.  Maybe she’s one of Helena’s clones as well.  Maybe being blown up on a yacht knocked a few brain cells loose or something.  Regardless of the cause, remember her as she was rather than as she is.  (moment of silence, please). 

While they spent the better part of 3 days bantering about what could be wrong with Endzone, I had figured once Jake mentioned the bruising and the fever ensued that we were going for the Universal Soap Child Disease of aplastic anemia.  I’m glad we went for something more interesting like “a nonspecific virus is attacking his liver.” It was a little callous to make it a liver issue when Mom and Gramma are both alcoholics, but at least they were original.  It also got Arlene back, which is definitely a bonus. I never got to see much Arlene action because I wasn’t an AMC viewer yet, so I’m eager to see her at work. 

I have to give the glory where it deserves to be and say that Jonathan Bennett did a cracker jack job of portraying JR’s grief over his mother.  I had to wonder if he had the Joey Tribiani Tweezer Technique at work because that blubbering and those tears were definitely not glycerin!  He must have pulled up some incredible childhood “bad” to evoke such a strong performance.  I’ve gone from indifferent and mildly annoyed to impressed.  The whole Dixie funeral made me almost want back a character I so despised. 

OLTL 

I never thought I’d say it, but I actually enjoyed watching Gabrielle this week.  I wasn’t a fan when she was on the show before and when she returned as Asa’s bride, evidently after a turn at some Shakespearean Juliard Over-the-Top, Norma Desmond School of Acting, her hammy, extreme performance made me wince.  Now, she’s wonderfully straightforward and vulnerable and not nearly so annoying.  OK.  Bo can kiss on her, I guess.  

On the other hand, the same things that bothered me about Gabrielle are making me insane about Niki.  I LOVE Niki.  She’s one of my favorite characters.  Unfortunately, Erika Slezak is playing her so muggy and campy that she’s not believable as a character any more.  I wish ES or the director or whoever is forcing this could realize that we GET that it’s Niki and what was always so great about her is that she was trashy, she was brassy, but she was real.  Even for a fictional personality in Viki’s head, she was very real.  I loved her scenes with Vince long ago and later with Clint.  She was simply another person who lived in Viki’s head who drank and caroused and it became very easy to believe that this was just another very buried part of Viki.  Now it’s like a cartoon character comes out of her and tries to interact in the real world.  It’s painful to watch on many levels and it’s ludicrous to pretend that no one except Allison Perkins can see that it’s not Viki any more.  The way she was with Rex when she was telling him how things would be is how I remember Niki.  Not all this silly Jim Varney, rubber-faced stuff. 

I never thought there would be a single scene with Max in it that I would ever want to see, but more than any other situation, I now live to see the Max and Roxy play.  That was definitely a curve ball that was hit hard into an open space in right field.  Brilliant.  With a fresh, new four-year contract, Roxy is open to punish Max for a good long time.  Can we take bets on how long it will be until someone (let’s try Renee) takes her aside and pulls and Eliza Doolittle on her and let’s Max chase HER for a while? 

Natalie Archer remains absolutely brilliant. 

It’s quite possible that Lindsay and Allison will take out Hank and Bo and my favorite couple in Llanview.   Again, what a great pairing!  There is some real genius at work here.  Again, we slide a tile here, a tile there, and the picture starts to take shape.  

Again, I have to praise everyone involved for the brilliant performances during OLTL Live Week.  Even the people who by all rights, should have sucked out loud, were quite good.  Bravo for a longshot bet that paid off mightily. 

The Todd and Blair thing just…is.  My lack of comment on it has nothing to do with a lack of admiration for or interest in the story, but more for the pause of just waiting to see how it plays out.  Performances are great all around and I’m eager to see where this goes and how RH is written off the show.  I got official word from his fan club that RH is open to returning at a later date.  Of course, that still doesn’t preclude a Todd death, but it’s good info to have. 

GH 

I’m so pleased that GH is shaping up so nicely with new/old blood flowing again.  It’s good to see Jason back.  It’s good that the Sonny and Carly fans got their reunion.  It’s good that Alexis is pregnant and NLG is assured a good story with her #1 guy, Wally Kurth.  It’s good that the mob is coming back into play in Sonny’s life.  It’s good that Sarah is *almost* (let’s not push it) tolerable now when she is not around Lucky.  It’s good that Taggert’s family is getting more attention.  It’s good that there’s something somewhat interesting going on in the Quartermaine family.  It’s good that there are couples forming again in tentative unions at least.  It’s good that Robyn Richards isn’t around to see her successor’s abysmal butchering of the English language and Jennifer Rappaport delivery of her lines.  It’s good that Roy and Luke and Scott, three of my favorite guys, have had scenes together.  It’s good that AJ is seeing how much Courtney loves him and is on the verge of getting a big frickin clue.  It’s good that Kristina has been on less, but bad that she’s still on at all.  It’s just mostly…good.   I’m waiting.  I’m watching.  I’m content for the most part.  Consider the show on probation with me and comment pending until the transition completes.  Just don’t think things about Stuart Damon or Genie Francis will be giving you Pokemon facts in a stern voice.

And yes, yes, I finally watched the episode where Carly told Zander that her hair is naturally curly, blah blah blah, straighten it every day, blah blah blah and I respectfully and humbly withdraw my distraught comment below rising unbidden at a time of enormous stress, when I had the misfortune of wondering in public how Carly got a perm while she was dead.  I figured if Lucky could get a tattoo while he was kidnapped and Lesley could get a frost job while she was in a Swiss Mental Health Facility, Carly could get a perm while she was dead.  Can we please call off the Carly pit bulls now?  I do appreciate your minute attention to detail and your focus on the really important things in my column, but I can now safely say that I got the message.  Thanks so very much.

May 28th, 9:30am

SICK TO THE POINT OF PUKIN'

I feel absolutely physically sick.  Today, I finally got 2 hours to piece together at the computer at a hitch to write the first soap column I've written in a month.  I've been busy trying to get the stupid url to hook up to the site again and everyone is blaming everyone else.  The web host company is blaming my ISP who is blaming my registrar company who is blaming Internic and claims that only my web host can contact Internic and my web host is sure that it's my ISP who is sure that it's my registrar company and meanwhile, my site has been down for a month.  I've spent countless hours on hold long distance and written a million tech support e-mails.  Incompetence is infuriating to me even on a good day.  In addition to that, I'm working on a redesign for the site which is taking forever, trying to get it done through FTP because my stupid Front Page (the WONDERFUL user friendly program I use to post to the site) isn't working AGAIN.  On top of that, I'm job hunting like mad to no avail because there are waitresses out there who have more experience than a woman who has been a stay-at-home mom for the past 5 years, out of the work force and therefore persona non gratis AND at the same time, trying to keep my husband on an even keel when he has, like most me, 99.9% of his ego, self-esteem, heart, soul and self-definition wrapped up in whether or not someone will recognize his talents in a currently stagnated field (telecom engineering) and give him a job to provide for his family.  He's hitting panic mode when, after a month, our savings is almost totally depleted.  I need him stable and in his right mind to keep ME from flying off the handle myself.  If I lose him to the madness, I'm going to be lost myself and I need to keep my faith strong and my belief that everything is going to be fine intact, not to mention having a sane head to make wise choices and watch the gentle nudges, or I'm going to go over the edge.  

Then, I'm sitting here "Watching the Soaps With Katrina" and I've cranked out a solid 2 hours, 5 pages of OUTFREAKINGSTANDING column for you guys to read.  I felt so productive and thrilled that I was finally going to have a post worth reading.  I thought about all of my favorite readers writing to me again, commenting on what I've posted, feeling back in the game again.  I didn't hit "save."  Not even once.  The Muse was so alive and well after being comatose for weeks.  It was flowing so well and I was just going with it and letting the words tumbling off the keyboard like mad.  The phone rang.  It was for Eric.  A job???  I hurried it back to where he was sleeping, made sure he was awake to take the call and in that 90 seconds or so, Nathan managed to scale the child gate in the hallway, leap over the one to my office door, X out of the word document and hit "No, I don't want to save mom's document, I mean, why should I?" and start Joshua's copy of "Weapon of Choice" by FatBoy Slim.  *I* can't work on the computer that fast.  When I put him out of the office, he started a ten minute, extremely shrill and earpiercing loud screamfest-tantrum that made me want to rethink my "no kid beating" policy.  

This is just...sickening.  There is no way I can recreated that column because I'll never again be watching those episodes for the first time.  It'll sound...rewritten and stale.  I can't remember much of what I wrote, which is how my best columns usually go.  My Muse has been tied up to a stake and shot through the heart while the flames consumed her limp body.  Now all I can think of in regard to the two soaps I just watched and the episode of GH that is airing now is to wonder how Carly got a permanent while she was dead.  There must be good salons in heaven.  Unfortunately, here in hell, there are not any temp files, miraculous autosaves or word documents that return from the dead and run into their own funerals.

I'm whining, I know.   I'll be better soon...more mature...more pragmatic...fewer ellipses...fewer tears...less kid screaming...more scenes with Jason without his shirt.  Right now I'm just...wounded.

I'll be back soon.  I'm really, really sorry it didn't work out this time.  

Love ya,

AMC

I had hoped I’d have more to say, but I found myself a bit bored with the soaps when I watched them on Tuesday, April 23^rd.  I thought it would be fun if we watched the shows together, so here are my comments nonetheless. 

Ryan and Kendall 

“My hair is a rat’s nest and my makeup is anywhere but on my face.”  ??  I wish I could have such pristine (non)make-up and naturally shadowed eyes!  Why is Ryan (adoing!!) still wearing his wedding ring?  (You aren’t even the second!!)  Good lord, that’s a nice way of saying you’ve been a horndog since Gillian died!  Gillian would want you to move on?  Hmm.  She wasn’t even cold when you “moved on” and when she saw you playing cards with Mia, I don’t think “moving on” was what she was wishing for you!  Since I have already imposed a 5 year wearing black, sobbing every day morning period onto my husband should I ever pass from this life while he still lives (a good possibility since he is 15 years my junior and I am entering into the heart attack ridden 40+ range), I must add the codicil of taking off his wedding ring before he starts spreading his slime amongst the hoochies of the world.  Said ring is to be put on the altar in the living room with my portrait, the candles, the incense and the libation of wine and homemade bread.  Did Ryan intentionally max out his broke-assed credit cards on The Candy Cane room at his local theme hotel love nest?  Now he’s going to take her on a picnic?  Since he’s broke, will he be serving her wish sammichs (two pieces of bread and you wish you had some meat – bow bow bow). 

Leo and Simone and Binky 

Simone is broke as a joke and Leo, with his mama’s drug millions, is a real jerk for denying her the half of the six-figure advance.  Although he thinks he’s being selfless by sparing Greenlee, perhaps he should invest some interest in the person who actually helped him out when he needed it.  It was great when Simone got up and ditched Leo with the check.  Heh heh heh.   Binky said, “Hell.”  Whoa. 

Mia and Adam and Liza 

The way Liza looks in the bed, minus the head bandage, is how I’ve felt for the past three weeks.  I’ve been Rosie, the Jetson’s robot maid, when she found out the janitor’s robot, Max had been deactivated.  Uhhhunnnnnnn uhunnnnnnnn  uhunnnnn. 

I’m glad they got Liza home, but I couldn’t help but worry that Mia is playing right into Adam’s hands.  He is so good at getting people to do what he wants and thank him for letting them come up with the idea.  Loved how Mia knew to get Colby and the reunion was just toot toot sweet.  Unfortunately, I spent most of the time looking at Mia’s teeth and thinking she must have had some serious Laura Ingals Wilder buckies when she was a little girl because that is a three-year brace job if ever I saw one. 

Oooh.  Trey is so good at being bad! 

Commercial Review

“Mama’s got the magic of Clorox”  Until Clorox get up off its liquid ass and washes my dishes, Clorox can go to hell.  How are they further the damaging misconception that we can do EVERYTHING effortlessly!! 

That commercial for Brawny or ScotTowels or whatever where the guy is watching TV and moans and whines about the gaaaame being on when she tells him to get up off his ass and help her clean because his parents are coming…ESPN would be programmed out of that TV before that guy could get up off his spreading ass to stop me.  When this one towel is finished??  How about if I go see my friend or play me some bingo and you can deal with your damned parents and this damned house yourself, you lazy piece of crap.  No wonder people have marital troubles!  They don’t know how to handle de men!

OLTL 

Not much here, sorry!  “I’m going to wash the Shawna off my hands.”  LOL.  “Bendy straw?”  LOL  The old Seth was hotter.  Sorry, Tracey!

GH 

Luck y and Elizabeth and Sarah and Gia and Nikolas 

Normally, I’d pay to see someone beat on Lucky and I got to see Elizabeth bash his face in for free.  Now THAT’S Lucky!  “MY FEELINGS ARE ALL MIXED UPPPPPPP.  Whaaaahhhhh!!!”  “I’M NOT JONATHAN JACKSON ANY MOOOORRRREEE.  I CAN’T ACCTTTTT.  STOP MAKING ME TRYYYYY.”  Pfft.  WHACK!  Good girl, Elizabeth.  I was typing and missed what Lucky said when she asked “Would you want to kiss my sister if she happened to be in your arms?”  In a moment of clarity, I remembered I was watching a video tape (I NEVER tape) and could rewind.  Whooo hoooo!  You GO, Girl.  Knock his arrogant, whining head off! 

You GO Elizabeth!!  OK, that sums up all I’ve liked about Elizabeth.  Was that Juan’s dad (not Miguel, obviously, but go with the joke) that was hitting on Elizabeth and felt the wrong side of her tongue than what he was hoping for?  I’m getting pretty tired of seeing Elizabeth verbally beat the crap out of Nikolas and Gia and thought that Nikolas’ rant to her the other day (after that famously bad bartop dance) was right on the money.  

As far as Sarah and Lucky on the roof, as soon as Elizabeth was gone, it turned into a Conflagration of Bad Acting.  It was like a really, really bad foreign film with no subtitles where you just get so involved with how bad it is that you don’t even notice that you don’t care what they’re saying any more. 

Sonny and Alexis 

Right to the bed…how…businesslike.  I was one of the few, the mighty, who was perfectly willing to give Alexis and Sonny a chance.  It had been so long since anyone had sex on the show besides Nik and Gia that I was ready to get a romance buzz from them.  Ah man, I even wanted the buzz and I can’t get the buzz.  Guza’s doing this intentionally.  I can feel it.  Sage and I discussed this earlier.  Guza is the one who originally penned the lamp throwing, wall painting insane sex of Sonny and Carly’s first time and I think maybe he intentionally made Sonny & Alexis suck so that we could clearly see the contrast and know where it’s headed.  

I found myself wondering if that cross tattoo was there before.  I also noticed that I was not seeing Sonny and Alexis, I was seeing NLG and MB making out.  Bad, bad sign.  I was trying to just be happy Alexis was getting some after her lengthy draught, but I found myself just being happy this is the beginning of the end.  Poor Carly.  Ouch. 

Side Note 

You know, I really do detest Kristina.  How unfortunate.  I had such high hopes for her at one time.  Now I'm just hoping she finds that Parapet o' Death.

April 19, 2002
11:45pm

Hello everyone! I want to thank all of you who have scurried over to THE EYE AWARDS to cast your vote.  This is the first year that we have left the award decisions up to our readers and we are overwhelmed by your enthusiasm in supporting the idea!  Sage, Kate and I put our heads together to come up with the best nominees (we could only have 10 per category) and some of your responses have been a real surprise. 

In years before this one, I have always put out my shingle as Eye Award host and given you my own selections and I’d like to do that this year.  This is intended by no means to influence your own choices, but merely to showcase mine *blush*.  

AMC 

I have to vote in the main ABC awards to say that I just started watching AMC this year.  I am not sure how I managed to stay away for so long because I absolutely love it.  Now I wish I could get PC to make it a hand winning four of a kind.  My votes in the AMC Eye Awards are therefore based on a very short-lived history with the show, so please don’t blast me if I don’t have the same take as a long-time viewer. 

Best Actor – My own feeling is that Mark Consuelos being nominated for a Daytime Emmy in this category is laughable.  It nearly broke my fingers to type his name as an Eye Award nominee and at this point, in fact, of all 10 nominees, MC is the only guy with 0 out of 132 votes.  I have a feeling that if one shows up, it will be because someone told Kelly Ripa that poor Mark was doing poorly at the Eye Awards.  The thing is that once he is out of the equation, there are actually a number of extremely talented actors on the show and it’s hard for me to choose.  I have fond pre-watching memories of David Canary, mostly centering around one scene that was shown as an AMC preview where he picked up a phone and said in a very relaxed matter-of-fact voice something along the lines of, “Ryan Lavery, I want to destroy him” or maybe it was “Tad Martin, I want to destroy him.”  I can’t remember exactly who he was destroying, but he said it as though he was ordering up a pizza with everything and I was totally enamored of his soap opera panache.  Like Susan Lucci, he’s just sooooo soap opera.  I love when there are actors who remind me of the cast of Soap Dish instead of someone who was probably in The Actor’s Studio.  Cheese and Whine are served so well on soaps.  Vincent Irizarry is such a nasty little lizard that you just have to love him and Josh Duhamel and Cam Mat are just so damned cute!  How to choose??  I’ve had a soft, squishy and somewhat damp spot for Jack Scalia since his rrrowwwllll days of Dallas, so I am sooo temped to pick him.  J. Eddie Peck is such a natural as Jake and I say that having never seen the original Jake, so for all I know, he might not be a great Jake at all, but he’s the only one I know.  Walt Willey and Michael E. Knight have been pretty much invisible since I started watching, so I can’t really adequately judge either of them.  They could be anything from Marlon Brando to Marlon the Monkey in acting ability for all I can tell.  Just for nothing more than his total ease in portraying his character and playing someone who can even pretend to like Laura English, I’m voting for Josh Duhamel. 

Best Actress – This category is equally as difficult because there are just so many great actresses.  Eden Riegel is just so good.  Rebecca Budig is brilliant as Greenlee.  Marj Dusay and Jill Larson are fantastic, although I’d love to see more of Opal and would have really enjoyed seeing how [HOLY SHIT!!! RED ALERT!!  SORRY FOR THE TOTAL FREAK OUT BUT I AM TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!!  I JUST WENT TO IMDB TO SEE WHAT THE NAME OF THE ACTRESS WAS WHO PLAYED OPAL BEFORE JL AND WAS SHOCKED SPEECHLESS TO SEE THAT ***GERALD ANTHONY*** IS CREDITED AS DIRECTOR OF AMC!!!  THAT’S GERALD “MARCO DANE” ANTHONY!!  I mean, who the hell cares who directs this crap?  I never ever look at the director and couldn’t tell you who directs ANY of the shows but DAMN!  Marco Freakin’ Dane directs AMC!!  I’m…agog!!  But I digress…] Dorothy Lyman played such an interesting and multifaceted character.   Although I can’t give her acting kudos for her red-hot-monkey-sex scenes with Cameron Mathison (because I don’t think ANYone would be acting in that situation), I have to go with Marcy Walker as Liza for best actress.  She gets it not just for her really cool portrayal of postop Liza this week (as well as having the balls to look sooo nasty on TV), but for her fantastic scenes in telling Adam off and berating Mia.   

Best Supporting Actor – Hands down, Mark Pinter.  I’ve never seen such an awesome heart attack in my life. 

Best Supporting Actress – I don’t think anyone knows how much I love Myrtle.  She’s the reason I started watching the show, having fallen deeply into AMC’s clutches by becoming totally enamored of her when she crossed over to OLTL.  I can’t convey the sharpness of the razor blades that fly up and down my spine every time Simone does that Eartha Kitt purr with her voice and Alana de la Garza was only listed as a courtesy.  You’ve got to admit that Amelia Heinle and Elizabeth Hendrickson are awesome, but I’ve really got to go with Alicia Minshew as NuKendall.  I didn’t want to like her because the character was and is fairly lame, but I love how much she emulates Susan Lucci/Erica and I think her play with Cam Mat is great.  She gets my vote. 

Hottest Guy:  I could put whipped cream on Cam Mat and eat that boy with a tiny spoon (so there would be more bites), but damn, I gotta go with my historical honey, Jack Scalia.  Mmmmmm  time for a personal moment.  Just call me “Dahlin’,” Jack.  Dahlin Katrina. 

Hottest Gal:  Got to ease into the lesbian bones that I don’t have for this one.  Maybe I can channel Joan Crawford or something to help me out.  Hottest Gal has got to be Rebecca Budig.  What a cutie. 

Best Newcomer:  They are all newcomers to me, but I’ve got to go against the masses (who are voting for everyone else) and choose Sam Page as Trey.  What a find that guy is!! 

Most Missed:  Believe it or not, this was a tough category because there are characters from the past that I would have LOVED to have seen like Billy Clyde.  I watched Dynasty at the same time I used to watch Dallas, so I have a the same special place for Dex Dexter, I mean, Michael Nader as I do for Jack Scalia, so I definitely miss him, but his wife gave me hives, so Alex can stay in Hungary.  Anthony Abbadabbadoo didn’t move me and I missed the whole attraction to Gillian, having only come in when she was on that stupid yacht with Ryan.  I didn’t have the opportunity to work up an affection for her and I found her tremendously annoying without that pre-existing affection.  All I know about the Dillions is that they had a cute dog named Harold.  Since Dixie is not around for Billy Clyde to pick on, I’m going to have to choose the character I’d most like to see explored:  Arlene.  Maybe it’s a weakness for people who like to torture Hayley or maybe it’s just that I like what I’ve seen of her in the brief appearances this year, but I’d really like to get more than a quick moment of Arlene on screen.  

Best Male Guest Spot or Bit Part:  Love, love, love me sum Jesse. 

Best Female Guest Spot or Bit Part:  As much as I want to see Arlene, I was enraptured by Colleen Dion as Leslie.  What a wonderful freak show she was.  

Best Couple:  Anna and David creep me out because her other two husbands were so cool and upright and righteous and loveable.  I just can’t see her with someone so slimy.  Brooke and Edmund and Leo and Laura are on about equal par on the ick scale and Adam and Liza have pushed pretty far past the level of dysfunction.  I know in my bones that as soon as the camera leaves Hayley and Mateo’s house, he turns into evil controlling Hector Jr and beats the crap out of Hayley and rants at EndZone to stop crying before he gives him something to cry about.  As tempted as I am to throw Erica and Chris a bone for this one, I’m going to have to go with Jake and Greenlee.  I thought they had a healthy, wonderful relationship that was probably the most normal and vital one since Joe and Ruth Martin.  

Worst Couple:  Leo and Laura.  Peeyuke. 

Worst Story:  Got to stay with a theme and go with Laura’s illness and marriage to Leo.  

Best Story:  Not just for the scenery, but I loved the pace and writing of Ryan finding out that Chris is his father.  Chris finding out that he is Ryan’s father was also fantastic to watch.  I loved when they both responded to the word “Buddy.”  What can I say?  I’m easy. 

Most In Need of a Story:  Opal.  Please. 

GH 

Best Actor:  I have to give this honor to my heart-holder, Stephen Nichols, not just for his fabulous portrayal of Stefan Cassadine, but also for pretending like he gave a shit right up to his last moment on the screen.  I wub you Stephen Nichols. 

Best Actress:  Nancy Lee Grahn or Constance Towers.  Constance Towers or Nancy Lee Grahn.  Such is my hell.  Just pick one.  I adore them both.  I can’t choose.  It’s like asking me to pick which one of my kids I love more. 

Best Supporting Actor:  I love me some RKK, but let me tell you, I STILL feel that A Martinez lights up any scene he’s in and I’ve got to go with him. 

Best Supporting Actress:  I adore Denise Alexander and would give the world for her to have interaction with more people in Port Charles and maybe have a life and reference her old life for once.  I about fell over when she was talking to Monica and Alan at the 10,000^th Audrey Day Party.  If only Alan had leaned over and put his tongue down her throat just to shake Monica out of her shrieking complacency (I know that’s some kind of wild oxymoron, but anyone who has watched Monica in the past year or two can relate to the idea).  I love the way DA quietly stabilizes any scene she’s in an I really wish GH would notice the talent they have in her and many others of the benched cast. 

Hottest Guy:  Stephen Nichols, silly.  Like there’s a need to really ask. 

Hottest Gal:  To me, hottest is not about model quality but who, if I were a guy, would rock my world and make me forget my name.  For that, my money is squarely on Constance Towers.  

Best Newcomer:  If it was for acting talent alone, I’d pick Jaime Ray Newman, but her character has been so horribly and unforgivably badly written that I can only speculate that she can probably act.  Everyone else on the list fades into a manila-colored, cream of wheat mish-mash and all that really floats to the top is Delane Matthews in her inspired role of Janine.  It could have been so much more, but again, the writing was terrible.  She held her own through some laughably bad scenes and stood toe to toe with Maurice Benard and Ron Hale, two great actors who do their best work with other great actors.  Delane Matthews not only fits the bill, but gets my vote. 

Most Missed:  Betcha thought I was going to say Stephen Nichols AGAIN, right?  OK, you’re right.  Seeing the opening credits with only ONE Cassadine shown is just wrong, wrong, wrong!!  Bring my baby back to run Wyndemere like it should be run before Lucky breaks a Ming vase with his damned basketball and Gia paints the ballroom a nice fuchsia.   Jonathan Jackson was a close second, especially after seeing those montages on the 10,000^th show, but SN wins. 

Best Male Guest Spot or Bit Part:  Loren Freeman as Elton.  There is no other that is even close. 

Best Female Guest Spot or Bit Part:  Hmmm.  Just saw I accidentally put Denise Alexander here as well.  Ignore that.  As tempting as it is to vote for Lynn Herring because of my total infatuation with All Things Lucy, I have to go with Lynne Moody.  She keeps me wanting more (and never getting it). 

Best Couple:  Ned and Kristina.  Wait.  I Wuz Rong.  I thought this was the WORST couple category, especially with that “the sun shines out your eyes and your butt simultaneously, gee, how do you do that?” scene.  Best couple is really (OK, I’m a sap…a total sap, get over it) Luke and Laura.  The writing sucks, but the actors made it happen for me. 

Worst Couple:  See above. 

Best Story:  The Thawing of Stavros/Endgame.  I LOVE soaps at their goofiest and seeing Constance Towers very nearly humping the Snow-White’s-Glass-Coffin of her son was just the best.  The camp that RKK and CT invested into the scenes was priceless and I adored this story.  The actors totally carried this story from CT to RKK to Coltin Scott to Stephen Nichols to Anthony Geary…just absolutely brilliant. 

Worst Story:  The Thawing of Stavros/Endgame. The irony of it all, eh?  The writing of this was just so abysmal and I don’t buy the crap of it’s extreme suckiness being due to post-9/11 rewrites. It was due to really incompetent and inadequate writers.  The bad actors (God love ya, Jacob Young, you’ve got to get that band going so you can get the hell out of acting) were hurt by the lameass handling of a story conceived by Anthony Geary and butchered by Megan McTavish while Geary was on vacation.  I hope they didn’t have TV’s where ever he was or his vacation would have been a nightmare.  The set, the writing and the direction of this story was just vomitous.  

Most in Need of a Story:  I could go mad here.  I love seeing John J. York on screen (and off, WHAT a doll – the camera does NOT do him justice!!) and I’d give anything for Elton to be on regularly.  You know I’ve been wanting Leslie to get busy in Port Charles since she started making words again and I’d love to see Mike and Janine find their way back to one another in a good old fashioned romance.  Johnny…oh Johnny, there is just way too little Johnny.  I have to throw in my vote for the betterment of the whole show and I have to go with Taggert and Florence.  There is more story potential here than anywhere else on the canvas and if the new regime doesn’t see fit to explore this, then they are bigger idiots than they were last time. 

OLTL 

Best Actor:  Timothy Stickney is just so good, but I have to go with my personal favorite, Roger Howarth.  In my opinion, no one else could ever play Todd and to me that is the hallmark of a wonderful actor. 

Best Actress:  No doubt about it, Melissa Archer is going to sweep the categories.  I have to give her my vote here and I’m sure she’ll show up later as well.  

Best Supporting Actor:  No doubts here – got to be Nathan Purdee as Hank.  If only this guy could get more air time. 

Best Supporting Actress:  If you could see how uneven this vote is, you’d be amazed.  I have to go with the masses and say Kristen Alderson as Starr.  

Hottest Guy:  Take your shirt off, Ty, you win! 

Hottest Gal:  Love me some Sophia!!!  Charissa Cree Chamorro is just gorgeous and I do miss that gal! 

Best Newcomer:  I warned you.  Melissa Archer strikes again.  She has moved me into loving a character I was going to have to hate. 

Most Missed:  Dorian.  Give me my Dorian and no one gets hurt. 

Best Male Guest Spot or Bit Part:  Peter Bartlett as Nigel was so very close to winning this one, but Tuc Watkins has edged him out.  Granted, a good 51% of my infatuation with David Vickers was a result of his interaction with Todd and without Todd, Nigel would have the ribbon, but thanks to Llanview’s bad boy, Llanview’s ex-bad boy gets The Eye. 

Best Female Guest Spot or Bit Part:  This one tears me up because I adore Judge Fitzwater and I think Addie is a wonderful addition to any scene, but I just love Alex and hope that one day her head is once again in those opening credits. 

Best Couple:  For the scene where a word is not spoken and Hank just pours Bo a drink, they win the award. 

Worst Couple:  What a smorgasbord!  Bo and Melanie, Kevin and Kelly, Antonio and Roseanne!  They all were gag-inducing, but Bo and Melanie were ick from the first encounter and just never got any better. 

Best Story:  The twists and turns of the Natalie vs Jessica baby switch kept me riveted.  The acting was nearly outshown by the awesome writing and the two together were magic.  My vote falls here. 

Worst Story:  Watching Kevin, Kelly and Joey go up against the mob and seeing Asa in that dive wearing his disguise of sunglasses was like licking the floor of a busy barber shop.  Pppttttthhhh.  Yak.  Add “ever” to the end of this category’s name. 

Most in Need of a Story:  My poor, poor Hank.  Find him a woman, find him his daughter and find him Bo, not in that order. 

Best ABC Daytime Drama:  One Life to Live and All My Children are definitely neck and neck, but I have to go with OLTL for being the “Little Show that Could” after ex-EP Jill Farren Phelps nearly wrecked it and Gary Tomlin helped it to rise phoenix-like out of the ashes of its own destruction.  Contrats, GT! 

Best Script Writing:  Got to go with All My Children on this one.  One Life To Live was a very close call, but their story arcs still drag too long and they lose big points for the Al-Can’t-Walk story.   

Best Casting:  I’m going to lean to the 51% for All My Children on this one, just for snagging a NuKendall who is every moment of Mommy’s Little Girl. 

Best Use of and Honoring of History:  Definitely One Life to Live.  I admire that they stuck 100% to the history of the Natalie-Jessica story and not only used the same actress in Barbara Garrick, but even the same footage!  Brilliantly done. 

Best Use of Music and Montages:  Definitely General Hospital, the Music Kings. 

Town I’d Most Like to Live In:  Pine Valley, for all the reasons Kate, Our Resident Cynic, has discussed. 

Show I Stopped Watching in 2001:  None, but I did scale back on GH and would have stopped altogether if it had not been for this site. 

Show I Started Watching in 2001:  AMC, thank God. 

I hope you enjoy picking from the Eye Awards as much as I did.  I look forward to seeing the results the middle of May!

E-mail Katrina

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