February 16, 2004

Let me start by taking a moment to remind every reader to please, take a moment upon entering your future hotel rooms and check out the ceiling for sprinkler heads. If there are none, go elsewhere. Upon verifying that there is at least a semblance of a nod toward safety codes, next head to the back of the door and note the exit routes. I guarantee they won’t instruct you to head down, then up, then back down, then out of the building completely, turn-around, head back up…but if they do, once again, let there be smoke coming from the heels of your shoes as you high-tail it out of there. Thirdly, check the nearest storage room and grab all the fire extinguishers that are sure to be piled in a corner somewhere and take them with you back to your room, just in case. Oh, and as always, be certain you brought with you whatever gear you find necessary to repel your way to safety, if necessary, or you could ask the hotel to supply it, as they are required to by law to do (Sprinklers are optional, repel gear is guaranteed and included with the price of your room…do not let them tell you otherwise!). And for goodness sakes, please, if the hotel appears from the exterior to have been computer generated (and poorly at that), just say no. None of us want to see you become a piece of flying debris coming out of the same computer generated explosion, exploding from the same window, over and over again. Just say no.

Speaking of just saying no, I’m from Michigan and while at the moment I’m surrounded by a lot of snow and ice, most of the time we’re actually surrounded by a lot of water. Believe it or not, last week a construction crew working on a constructing a sea wall unearthed a sunken ship. It’s not uncommon in these parts; we have quite a few documented shipwrecks. Any newfound one is exciting though, and this one is believed to be a ship built in the 1800’s. Well, you better believe that as soon as I heard the news, I grabbed my wetsuit and headed straight to the site. I was determined that the treasure that was no doubt sitting down there waiting for me (because pirates are not all that common around these parts; though like anywhere else, we do have our share of insipid women), would be mine. “The treasure is mine”, I repeated over and over like a chant as I drove toward the spot where I would make “splash down” and swim like a mermaid toward wealth untold. Then, suddenly, I looked over at the passenger seat, and gasped! I had made the most basic rookie mistake of all. After watching what feels like twelve decades of pirates, treasure hunters, and criminals for an hour every weekday, I still somehow left the house on a thieving expedition and forgot to bring my gun! I know. My head has been hanging in shame ever since and I may never get over it. I was so close, and I deserved that treasure! I look good in (too orange) gold! Needless to say, in the time it took me to go back and get the gun and drive back, my thieving (and he’s the bad kind of thief, not a good thief like me) second-cousin-in-law had already surfaced from the frigid water holding the 500lb trunk under his left arm while doggie paddling with his right. *Sigh*

So, in the interest of not just repeating the same damn thing every time I write, let’s start with the good parts of the Raging Singe Fest of Doom, as I prefer to call it. Nothing better than a good old soap fire, the heat will melt ceilings, sever chandeliers (leaving the ceiling around them though), and collapse steel staircases. Human beings inevitably come flying out at the last second (directly followed by explosions and leaping flames…it’s like “I’ll get you next time” Da Da Dummmmm!) really sooty, slightly singed, and coughing like they’ll never stop, at least not until they have some water…but otherwise mostly unharmed. But wait, it was the good stuff first, wasn’t it?

Luke and Skye – Number one good thing. Sure, goofy and ridiculous surrounded them just like it did everyone else, but they made you smile anyway; admit it! They were downright cute walking around, dripping in jewels, which incidentally is kind of funny because gold conducts heat so I’m guessing you wouldn’t normally choose to drape yourself in it while surrounded by fire, all they needed were saucepans for hats as they ran up and down those staircases that were incinerating before our eyes! But hey, they were cute anyway. By the time they started getting airtime together in the Singe Fest, I was ready for someone who would take things a little less seriously. I enjoyed him calling her blaze, I enjoyed their more serious moments, enjoyed the kiss, heck, I even enjoyed that silly fire extinguisher scene. Goes to show, put two characters that are even remotely likeable in a room together, add some trauma and a dash of romance, then give them something besides a gun to hold, and you’ve got yourself a soap. Hey I admit, I definitely take what I can get these days.

Luke and Cameron – Beyond annoyed that Cameron is gone, but wish Lane Davies well in what I’m sure will be continued success elsewhere. He’s too good for the GH of the moment anyway. I’m just really sorry that any of you who haven’t experienced his vast (hey, I love him, what can I say?) talent on something besides GH cannot truly appreciate just how good it could have been. It’s just as well though, Alexis is so busy these days that she couldn’t possibly have time for romance…she’s gonna have to spend all her time providing an ear for Carly’s whining now that Sonny is lending his out to Sam. Oh joy. As for the death scenes though, I’ll give a marginal nod to the attempt at symmetry. He came in helping Luke and he went out helping Luke. He saved a life (always a good thing in real life…not usually admirable on GH, but what are you gonna do?), and gave heartfelt advice that produced a tear or two from me. Would have been better had he left a word or two for Alexis, but whatever. He probably forgot they were dating, I know I experienced that same problem since we never actually saw a date.

The Q’s – (minus Emily and any discussion of Emily…those parts I hated) Edward was very interesting this week, credit to JI for showing the layers a bit. Tracy and Edward had some of the best moments in the whole Singe Fest (okay, if you really, really must change it to Cringe Fest when you read, I’ll allow it) and for 20 seconds or so I was riveted like I haven’t been in a long time. I didn’t write the exact wording down, but you know the scene I mean, where Tracy yelped about how they were probably gonna die and Edward gave her an honest moment and admitted that she frightens him…and then she made a most startlingly Quartermainian type statement about only ever wanting to be just like him or something. It was well and truly good for a second there. More of that, and the feelings behind it, along with the results of such long-time angst and I may stay awake for the whole hour one of these days.

Helena and Tracy – Trying to one-up each other with how marvelous their offspring are. Most perfect. Bring it on! Honorable mention to Helena for untying that tourniquet (could you hear me screaming “yes, YES!”?) and to Tracy for her reunion with Ned and Dillon.

Mac and the girls – How nice that for a change we actually got to see family worry for each other during this event! I expected that the whole town would be wailing, moaning and tearing off their clothing to don sackcloth and ashes over Sonny or Carly’s plight, but alas, Maxie was mostly worried about her sister and Mac. I loved Maxie’s heartfelt scene at Mac’s bedside and enjoyed the reunion of the girls and Maxie’s admission that she felt Mac’s injuries were her fault. Nicely done on all sides.

Alexis and Carly – I hate that Alexis thought there was anything to be gained by telling her secret to someone who was obviously going to die with her and therefore couldn’t help the situation, but I did enjoy their interaction up to that point, and even afterwards. I love Alexis, but Carly is scrappier. Alexis doesn’t usually do well in a stressful situation, and this was no exception. I enjoyed watching to mother’s bond a bit over their children. I enjoyed seeing moments of the old Carly when she switched from Mob Madonna to the conniving little bitch that showed up in PC, ready to use anything and anyone to get what she wanted. You could see the wheels turning in her head after she learned Alexis’ secret, and that is Carly, like her or not (and mostly, I don’t anymore).

Carly and Jason – Jury is still out on whether it will have any repercussions, but I enjoyed their talk. It felt fairly true to character and Steve Burton was quite good during their talk. Seeing Jason get teary actually worked for me for a change…it’s been awhile since I felt that way. It was good soap, their being trapped together and kissing. We shall see if anything comes of it or not.

Sonny and Courtney – It was good when she told him off, otherwise it was stupid.

Lorenzo – “Oh poor me, I was in a fire”…that was actually pretty funny.

On the flip side…

Did the fire sever the chandelier cable and the elevator cable, or were those just unfortunate coincidences?

Anybody else have great fun laughing your butt off at the exterior shots of the burning hotel? Apparently the electrical grid was burning, but sheesh is that place wired kinda funky or what? There would be fire in one window, and then lights on in the room above and next to it. I can’t really figure how the fire got on the fourth and tenth floors without burning all the wiring (at least…I won’t even start on how fickle that fire was about halls and rooms) in between. And the explosions? LMAO! Honestly, the exterior shots made me feel like I was watching King Kong (like, the first one) so I’m thinking they couldn’t even afford computer graphics and made some sort of model instead, lol. Multiple explosions and leaping flames came out of the very same window…I’m not sure what could have possible been left in that room to still be burning, but whatever. It was entertaining in a “How cheesy can this possible get” kind of way.

If Sonny had a gun (unless I missed him disarming someone, which is possible) the whole time, why didn’t he use it when he was tangling with Lorenzo on the stairs? The goal was supposedly to kill him, so why would Sonny prefer to grapple with him for extended periods? Unless…hmm, maybe there’s something we’ve yet to discover about Sonny? Supposedly he has a secret that even Carly doesn’t know (I’ll bet Jason knows though *wink*).

Sonny – “He’s a cop! He’s working with Rick to take Jason and me down!” No kidding, dingbat. Who knew? The cops are working with the ADA to take down the mobsters? Why is this not public knowledge? Heck yeah man, shoot that trickster before he tries to pull something else over on you!

Sonny – “I don’t want blood on my hands” Um…I’m not certain, but I think maybe you’re in the wrong business dude. “Hey cop, I’d kill you for going behind my back and trying to put my criminal ass in jail, but I don’t want any blood on my hands” wtf?

Justice – Oh my. The BS is about as thick as it can get in every room Justice enters these days. I wanted to like him, I really did, but it’s just not working. Someone needs to decide who this character is going to be (these days), and they need to decide it yesterday already. He’s lecturing Edward on taking responsibility, yet he’s doing more than just defending Sonny (a man who shot his wife while aiming for that guy he likes to grope…and incidentally, apparently his wife’s blood on his hands isn’t really an issue for him) in a legal capacity, he’s showing absolutely no problems with any of the mob activity. For someone who just came from lots of time in a monastery, he certainly seems to have no direction in life, does he? He’s much too superior and smug, and whether it’s acting choices or writing, it’s very off-putting. He’s just not likeable, no way around it for me.

My advice to TPTB for the next time we do one of these Singe things, is to maybe go a little lighter on the flames and concentrate more on smoke or something. I’ll make allowances for soaps, but there really is no human (not even brave and strong humans) that can withstand 15 – 20 minutes (by their own stupid clock) lying in a closed room, surrounded by flames. By my count Luke, Skye, Nikolas, Lorenzo, Garcia, Carly, Jason, Sonny, Courtney, the old lady, and the dog, should all be a distant memory. And of course, there is the little issue of smoke inhalation. Apparently Carly passed out (finally) from smoke inhalation, but not until she was surrounded by flames, unfortunately. I’d always heard the smoke usually gets you first. Which reminds me, whatever happened to putting a wet towel over your mouth? Every hotel room was unlocked so towels should have been easy to come by. Instead, Jason puts on a sweatshirt and puts the hood up as though it somehow makes sense to cover one’s self even more fully in synthetic materials, just to tempt fate.

Hey Courtney! I liked your truthfulness to Sonny about his life and its effects, but then you seemed to take a drastic turn after he saved your life. The thing is, he saves ALL his enemies lives too…so I wouldn’t take it too much to heart dear.

I truly don’t understand what I’m supposed to feel about Sam, but like Justice, she just doesn’t make any sense and I’ve no patience for bothering to figure her out. She makes my eyes glaze over. She and Sonny are obviously meant to be together, what with their talent for hotwiring elevators and all. I suppose there is a certain amount of hope since Sonny is apparently capable of creating electricity where there is none (and “backup generators” run on the same stupid wiring which is all burnt to a crisp already) so maybe he’ll light Sam up somehow as well. I’ll not be holding my breath though. I’m not especially a Jax fan, but even I think he’d be better off far, far away from Sam.

The award for the worst-dressed Singe Fest attendee goes to Courtney Mathews Corinthos Quartermaine Morgan:

First off, never wear white to a Singe Fest. Secondly, hairdressers lie when they say that “Ash Blonde” is a desirable color, apparently. Thirdly, Courtney’s particular skin tone does not support soot well at all. Sorry Courtney, I know it was not a planned event, but still…I mean, you even forgot earrings! Better luck next inferno.

The award for the best-dressed Singe Fest attendee goes to Tracy Quartermaine!

Yes, I realize that Tracy didn’t actually have to run through any burning halls or leap over exploding staircases, but I contend that had she done so, she still would have come out on top. Black is ALWAYS a wonderful choice for any fiery event, not to mention the fashion sense she showed by wearing something with a little sparkle to it. Way to steal back some of the spotlight from those pesky flames, girl! She’s accessorized, and wearing layers; which she’s managed to keep track of so that she can always shed one should it suddenly combust. And what can I say about the hair? It’s still shiny, holding up to the smoke and wind wonderfully…remind me to remember this day when I decide I need a better haircut, will you?

This big daytime “event” is supposed to herald in change and a spin all the stories in different directions. We’ve heard that before, of course, and it seems that it actually just heralds in teeny little speed bumps on the road back to Ho-hum Hospital. I must admit though, today’s show gave me slight pause in my pessimistic GH thinking pattern. I could swear that I saw full entire segments (rather than 30 second ones sandwiched between 3 minute S&C or J&C scenes) of long-underused characters. I particularly enjoyed Luke/Skye/Jax! It was cute, funny, and sexy and felt downright soap-ish! I don’t know why that is so hard for these writers, or why they are so stingy with such scenes, but I’m grateful to have watched today’s show, if only for that chance to see the type of thing that should be a daily occurrence. I also liked the Q scenes at the hospital, minus wooden, superior Justice who I guess comes complete with any legal documentation you might ever need. No offense to the actor (who I still think is nice to look at) but Justice completely ruins the flow of the Q scenes, and he doesn’t in any way fit in to the way the Q’s work. You either have to join in the craziness, look at them like they’re all nuts, or watch with a sense of amusement. Looking down your nose and making hypocritical statements just makes everything stop so we can all squint our eyes and say a collective “huh?”. Ned, Edward and Alan were all good today though, and Tracy’s bedside vigil was perfection. Emily went from being unable to walk on her own to the helicopter to running around down on the ground with nary a limp in sight, that oxygen is goooood stuff!

Sadly, I’m not sitting on the edge of my seat to see if Nikolas exits the building in a puff of smoke, but if the Nik/Em fans are choking up then I’ll just stay out of it and let you all enjoy your moment (or not if the puff doesn’t produce a prince). All in all, I have to give the Singe Fest of Doom a C. The parts I liked took place when the special effects and helicopters moved out of the way for five minutes and allowed me a glimpse at real characters with real feelings. That could have happened any day, anywhere. Like I said though, I take what I can get. If I have to let the boys spend too much money on crappy action sequences to get something, anything, worth watching then I guess I’ll let them and just be happy for the good parts I saw. Maybe at least one of the writers will catch his or her handy-work on what I imagine is a looped playback of the entire Singe Fest playing on televisions in every nook and cranny of the ABC studios and realize that they actually can tell a good story, even amidst all the distracting not-so-special effects. They’re in there, those stories…I didn’t imagine it.