Honey, you're either going to "get" me and know my heart and my intent or you're not going to "get" me at all.  If you don't, know your limitations and just back away from the keyboard after clicking the little "X" in the box on the upper right corner of your browser window, ne'er to return again.  May you have happiness all of your days.  If you enjoy what I do, then pull up a chaise by the pool and stay a while.  If that's the case, you're the very person I'm writing this column for anyway.  I don't write to please the masses or kiss anyone's ass.  Everything you read here will be from my heart, off my cuff and dead on honest.  If you want a good read designed to offend no one, go to ABC.com because they are great at what they do.  If you want to hear what I really think about soaps, life, etc, then WELCOME!  This is an opinion column filled with gossip and rumors and, well, my opinion.  It may not agree with yours and I'm good with that.  *Please also note that this is NOT a spoiler or "exclusive info" site...it's a GOSSIP page and what we are discussing might be a RUMOR or a SPOILER, but isn't guaranteed to be what hits the screen.  I'm NOT in the business of or interested in breaking the exclusives.*   I suggest that if you want to read on, you make peace with that as well and leave your weapons with my Marshall, Lenore, before you enter town.  You'll get them back when you leave.  Believe me, you'll need them for some sites on the net and I don't want my loveys to go unarmed into war!  Remember to click that smiley globe in the links above to help EOS!

Note:  Due to the large volume of e-mail he receives, Sage regrets that he is unable to personally answer each e-mail.  He wants you to know that he reads each and every one (some 2-3 times) and greatly appreciates your communication.  Please DO NOT ask Sage for further info on what is going to happen on the shows.  Any information he has that he can share will be put into his column or on the message board right away. 

Ask and you shall receive!!  I was wishing for OLTL info and I got wonderful stuff and here is even more wonderful stuff.  Check out what one of my darlings found out for me (kisses, honey!):

OLTL IN NOVEMBER:  Dr Balsom, who delivered Viki and Clint's baby was actually part of the Mitch Laurence cult.  Mitch had Dr Balsom overdrug Viki so that (you guessed it!!) she didn't realize that she delivered not one, but TWO healthy baby girls.  Mitch and Dr Balsom gave Jessica to Roxy and left Natalie to Viki, then the babies were switched again when Allison did her own switch.  Something else that is of interest is that while Viki is investigating this, she comes across records on Peter Manning (Todd's adopted father) among Dr Balsom's belongings. 

Don't look for things to go smoothly with Liz and Keri's pregnancy.  If you glance up at the "Ask and You Shall Receive" subject heading, you'll see that it applies here as well.  Hank is actually going to be getting some good airtime with this story.  When Antonio learns of Liz/Keri's pregnancy, Liz tells him that the baby is not his.  She weakens and confides the truth to Hank, who flips out and tells Liz that if she doesn't tell Antonio, HE will, citing all the trouble that developed the last time they kept a secret (Keri).  He keeps trying to tell Antonio, but she keeps arriving in time to interrupt.  This story will continue through sweeps.

Oh, Darlings, I am so very sorry to have to tell you that this Jen-Cris-Al bullshit is going to dragggggggg on and on and on and on with Cris stalling out the wedding and Jen manipulating and Al finding out and just, well, everything you didn't want it to be.  I'm so sorry, my precious Panache.  

DAMMIT, LARRY!!

A source just told me (*just* now told me) that DNA testing will be done that proves that both Jessica and Natalie are the biological daughters of Clint and Viki.  

Now just how are they going to pull that one off??

On GH, watch for the undoing of Scott as the DA campaign unfolds.

Roy might just end up faking his death and going into hiding to take A Martinez off the show.

Someone wrote to say that Skye might actually be implicated in (yet another) murder! 

PS AND STOP THE PRESSES!!!  A reader who has viewed the tape of Jessica's birth just wrote to say it was not LARRY who delivered Jessica BUT SOMEONE NAMED...

Get ready!!!...

DR BALSOM!!  As in Natalie Balsom...as in Roxanne Balsom!!!

What the complete hell???

I guess good old Dr Balsom is shown in the delivery room and called by name!!!!

I mean, can we SAY Holy Shit??

Lemme tell ya, darlings, what a messt up week I've had!!!  I just deleted a couple of pages about crap that happened in the first part of last week, then how mom got sick yesterday and dropped on me and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, then sucked up all the hospital’s oxygen, then signed herself out AMA (against medical advice) today because she felt so much better (I mean, who wouldn’t feel better after a solid 24 hours of one of the finest drugs known to man…good ol’ pure O2.  I wrote about how her freaking 12 prescriptions were ***$300*** and that was just the co-pay!!!  I couldn’t even tell her how much they were because she would flip.  I just told her the insurance covered it.  God knows we’ll pull it out of somewhere.  About two pages into it, I realized I was just whining, so I’m going to just give you guys the note mom dictated to you all and then moving on to the soap talk.  

Dear Darlings, I know all of my girls are worried about me because Sage opened his fat mouth and yapped that I took a spill and needed to spend a night as a guest of the hypocrites oath.  I’m feeling much better now and will be fine soon.  I loved reading your messages and good wishes on the Sage Brush Ranch message board.  I think you’re all wonderful girls and I’m proud to be your computer mom.  Love, Sage’s Mom.

AMC

OK, who’s going to make me go back into business???  Lord, as if there weren’t enough problems in the world, suddenly there are fashion and hair disasters all over ABC.  First, can we please dismiss (after the 4-5^th day, for pity’s sake and honey, I do PITY her) that NASTY tartan corset that Greenlee is running around in?  That has got to be the most uncomfortable piece of crap I’ve seen in ages!!  Then today, we get a good 10 minutes of “My, doesn’t Kendall have lovely legs?” (Pfft).  However long we have to play out this “But she’s your SISTER, you FREAK!” business is way too long.   

So who do we think is going to be this new beau that supposedly gets David in an uproar?  We say Tad going goo-goo over da babies and feeling sorry for Anna between making demon seed remarks.  Not exactly running Mr Sensitivity there.  Then we see Anna bonding with Jackson over Lily and either man would jack up David’s jaw a bit.   

No wonder Edmund fits in so well with the Santos family.  He’s every bit as bullying and controlling as Hector ever thought to be.  I spit upon then, Edmund.  Ptth  pttth.  It would serve him right if Maria dove into a hot package of British Tea Biscuits and told Edmund to stick his castle up his butt. 

OLTL

On One Life to Live, the girls are lining up for Sage.  Linda Dano?  Looking Great?  Living Great?  How about fixing your damned hair, great?  How about if you stop torturing the little birdies with hairspray on their feet while they style your nasty hair?  I mean, you’re in WHAT decade and you still think you’re making some kind of statement with Ingo’s hairdo?  Ingo doesn’t even have that style any more!  Sleek that puppy down and leave the spikes for the heels, baby. 

Jessica and her “I had a perm but it grew out and I slicked it all down but the part that used to be a perm” do is just stupid looking in a babydoll kind of way.  Fluff, honey, fluff!  With that little tiny face and big ol’ eyes, you need some bulky bulk so you don’t take on that Meercat look.   

Roxy…oh Roxy…what I couldn’t do with that girl.  Tame that mess down to a nice ash blonde, hack off half of it, condition, condition, condition and then smooth it out into a lovely long layered look and Max would change his tune in nothing flat.  

Liz Reynolds, Jensen Buchanan, Florence Henderson…somebody take me out of pixie land, please!!  We are in our forties, we are not having our 4^th grade picture taken, darling!! 

Little Jennifer Rappaport, I mean really, why don’t they just buy red contacts for this girl to wear and give her a voice distorter and have the demon persona fly into full force.  I mean, why half-ass it like this?  It's not like channeling Beelzebub would make us hate her more or anything.   

To the finest lady on ABC soaps, Catherine Hickland, I say BRING ON THAT WHITE FROST LIPSTICK, BABY!!  Bleach that hair, white those lips, put on your white go-go boots and blue eye shadow so thick you have to apply it with a spackle knife and install hydraulics so you can blink, honey!!  OK, so she doesn't have the eye shadow that makes your eyes look like San Diego garage doors, but honey, unless you're putting on extra frost stick for my friend Mer to lick off, blot, sweetie!  Blot!!  I'd love to see her in a different style.  Maybe some very light brown hair, play up the eyes with some true shadow, get her out from under the ultraviolet light and bring the skin back to a beautiful alabaster, then some deep wine lipstick...

That brings me to the worst hair on the show, KERI, who makes me want to shave her bald like a terrified Barbie in the hands of a 4-year-old for an improvement.  Why can’t she take a good hint from her handsome, well-coiffed Dad and Uncle Hank and get that mess under control.  Angela Davis, be still!!!!!  Ah, I shouldn’t pick on her.  When she finds out she’s carrying Antonio “We were on a break” Vega’s baby (and not the way she thought she ever would), she’ll be reaching up her skirt and yanking that baby out herself.  Harsh much?  Yes, I know.  But c’mon.  How far do we have to suspend reality here?  I’m all for a little of the unlikely, but of all the people in the whole world for Antonio to get his feel good screw from, it just *happens* to be his future mother-in-law who is fertile as a goat at that very moment and catches his seed, only to peg it straight into fiancée Keri at second base who will drive it on in for a nine month home run?  That’s a little too far for even ol’ Imagination Sage to take it.   

Roscoe Born (who has very nice hair, thank you very much) is still rumored to make a come back at Mitch Laurence despite Dorian having utterly and totally killed him into oblivion some time back.  You just can’t keep a good bad guy down.   

Speaking of our favorite well-haired good bad guys that we don’t want to keep down, I caught a rumor of Gerald Anthony reprising the role of Marco Dane, for which he won an Emmy award.  My two favorite OLTL bad guys?  Can’t be?  Are Ivan Kipling and Carlo Hesser around here as well?  If only!! 

A certain sharp Southern Boy In New York City was the first *I* personally heard present this wonderful theory of which I am now totally convinced: 

This is my take on it .... Roxy gave birth to a stillborn child ... hubby at the time (most likely Mitch Lawrence) switched her with another baby girl born at that time.  Part two .... Newly arrived character (AKA Keri's Mom and RJ's ex) gives birth to a baby girl who she only briefly sees ... then the doctors come in later and tell her that the baby suddenly died.  Part three ... by putting 2 and 2 together ... Keri's Mom is actually Jessica's Mom as well .. making Jessica and Keri sisters (well .. half-sisters) and Rex available to pursue Jessica IF he is inclined that way (But my guesstimation is that he is gonna wind up making face time with Seth {which I would LOVE to see happen} because Erin Torpey is leaving and will probably have her character written off in some way but I pray that TBTP are smart enough NOT to kill her  ... ).  And IF this is all the case .. maybe Mitch told Nikki about all this way back when and THAT is the secret that Nikki is keeping from Viki! 

I sure do like this better that the idea that Viki really had twins when we practically saw her give birth.  It also keeps my Dr Larry out of the loop on yet another baby caper. 

I am just seeing more and more of Nigel and loving it to death.  And why NOT Rae and Nigel??  What fun!! 

GH

Other than the one, sterling montage moment that has re-endeared the Judy Collins rendition of “Amazing Grace” to me once again, I have been utterly bored with General Hospital.  I know I must be the only one in the country that is.  Luke’s gone.  Liz is being Robin being Felicia the Detective (HE HAD LIPSTICK ON HIS NECK!!!  BWAAARRRKKK!!  HE HAD LIPSTICK ON HIS NECK!!).  No Cassadines to come and more to leave.  Scott is some kind of sick caricature of himself.  No nekkid Jason.  AJ is an ass again when he had a chance to be cool.  No Zander anywhere.  Lots of Carly fake crying.  Lots of Skye getting set up to be body slammed onto a bed of razor blades because THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ON EARTH has returned to Port Charles to reclaim her men.  I hate to admit it, but Carly’s description to Skye of Brenda was dead on.  Brenda is always beloved, no matter what she does and some really cool ladies like V, Miranda, Chloe and next, Skye, will live knowing that they were second best because Brenda is, well, just so doggoned swell.  Yes, she’s gorgeous.  Yes, VM is a kick ass actress.  But Brenda…the secret is out.  Sage could do without Brenda.  At least she used some of Alcazar’s money to get her sleeves tailored, but why couldn’t we have see those ass kicking (or piercing) boots when Brenda was only feets to us? 

In light of the disdain I currently feel for GH (again, I applaud all of you who are enjoying it, but honey, it’s like I’m just eating wilted Post Toasties here when Sage is in the mood for some damned steak, OK??), I figured I should try to do like my Ma says and find 10 nice things to say about someone/thing when I am filled with negativity about them/it, so here goes: 

1). Coleman 

2).  Robyn Richards 

3).  Alexis, Ned and Peanut 

4).  It’s cool as hell when Jason and Brenda scream at each other 

5).  The occasional very cool montage 

6).  Did I say Coleman yet? 

7).  I get a laugh out of Sonny, Jason and the rest of the mob families…it’s like The Sopranos smoked out on some choice weed and are too tired to be mean, so they just wave at each other and say “fuhgetabout it” and try to hurt each other with words a lot. 

8).  Jax and Skye are going to have a really cool wedding. 

9).  Father Dade 

10).  Coleman. 

There.  I did it.   

Lastly, if anyone would like to donate to the continued up and running of “Eye on Soaps,” the site that hosts my column and that I do my best to keep afloat despite rising web costs and moms that are freakin expensive to keep alive, please check out http://www.eyeonsoaps.com/help.htm  I’d have put an exclamation point after that “help” but it would screw up the aesthetics of the url.  Your donations are greatly appreciated, no matter how small (or big).  We’ve been fortunate to have the same 5-6 super dedicated people generously donating on an ongoing basis, so if anyone wants to give them a break, just step up to bat.  :)  Thanks and I’ll see ya next week, Good Lord and Mama willing. 

Know that I loves ya,

PS:  My two favorite GH characters at this time, if Wynona is still around, that is:

OLTL NEWS!!

Hey, it doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's usually a doosie!!  I actually got some OLTL news from a friend!  Rumor has it that ROSCOE BORN (look to your left, darlings) is set to reprise his role (from 1985-7) as the very NOTdead Mitch Laurence.  Did you catch when Rexy boy mentioned to Roxy (Rexy/Roxy...is that so precious or WHAT?)  today (Friday) that his dad was dead?  Did your little upstairs abacus start adding 2 and 2 for a ching-ching of 4?  YOU GOT IT!!  THAT is how Allison got to know Roxy in the first place and how Roxy ended up with the baby that Allison stole!!  MITCH was Roxy's husband and REX is Mitch's son!  Where does that leave Natalie and Jessica?  There are rumors running around about fraternal twins (PLEASE don't try and tell me Viki had twins and Dr Larry ONE MORE TIME hid one of her babies from her for her own good!  We watched the scenes where Jess was born, dammit!) but GT is doing a great job of dealing out the clues so far.  We know that Roxy did NOT give birth to Jessica.  We know that unless someone put one over on Dr Larry (NOT likely) who personally supervised the DNA testing, Natalie is the biological daughter of Viki.  We know that Jessica was NOT DNA tested at that time.  We know that it is likely that Niki knows something about it.  We know that Rex has been seriously bug-eying either Jessica or Seth (can't be sure which) when they make out, so it's possible Jessica ISN'T his sister.  We presume, based on what we saw today, that Seth does not know who Jessica's real mother is.  However it rolls, it's going to be a heavy revelation that is going to rock that poor family once again!  It's also going to rock the world of a certain gal I know who creamed for Roscoe Born when he played Jim Thomasen on AMC!!  

You can find really cool info on Roscoe Born (as well as cool pics and a faboo webmaster) at http://www.roscoeborn.com.  

Take care

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