Day #3.  Today is the hardest yet as far as wanting to eat..  I haven't been able to get to my work out yet (but definitely will) because kids are swarming everywhere.  Dylan came home from school yesterday sick and has kept a sniffley nose and low grade fever.  It's the same mess we've all had.  His fever broke this morning, but I'm still going to keep him home today.  Delena is having some pain in the lower part of her left leg since last night and was up until around 2am with it.  Gave her Tylenol, a warm bath and then a heating pad. She has always gotten foot cramps and I think it may have traveled up, but she also mentioned falling off the edge of her shoe (high soled tennies) earlier in the day and straining the side of the leg that is hurting her.  I'm sure she'll be fine tomorrow.  Dylan went to sleep as soon as he got home yesterday (2:30pm), so he was awake around midnight absolutely starving.  Got him a bologna sandwich and plied him with fluids.  He is such a good boy (always has been) and stayed up watching TV for most of the night.  I finally got to sleep around 2:00am or so and woke up at 6:00am, so I'm fairly fractured. 

I'm being tortured by the Universe today, just in dumb ways and not in the major ways I'm hoping are in the past for a while.  It goes like this.  Today is Day #3 of Atkins.  I'm starving.  No matter how much I eat, I can't seem to fill the vault.  Had some bacon and eggs for breakfast, which should have filled me up.  Thought I'd have some salad and for some reason, the lettuce I just bought is bad.  Tossed it.  OK, no prob, but I want to go low fat since I had the bacon this morning.  Aha!  Chicken and Atkins veggie stir fry!  Yum!!  Soy sauce has almost no carbs!  Yayy!  Wonder what the mix I normally use has for carbs?  No mix.  I have no Sunbird Stir Fry seasoning.  >:<  I do, however, have yeast (angel biscuits, mmmm, refined carb of the highest order).  I also have Jiffy Cornbread Mix.  >:<  I also have Lucky Charms.  >:<  Dammit.  Might make the stir fry anyway.  Some peanuts or cashews would be good.  >:<  Eric and the kids have raided my stash and there now are none.  There is, however, plenty of pretzels and popcorn.  >:<  Did I mention that when I opened the cupboard door, it fell on me?  Perhaps a sign or perhaps shitty carpentry.  They've shown that stupid Herbal Essence commercial that I hate literally 5 times in the past 2 hours.  Must be a network glitch that just happened to occur on my biggest TV irritant right now.  A sign or shitty programmy?  "This is what I go through every morning!"  Pfft.  Buy her some Prell and lose the chemical threat to your marriage.

Speaking of shampoo, I have to admit to a very guilty confession.  When I look at my shampoo bottle and see, "Not tested on animals," I feel a little stroke of fear, wondering if it's going to make my eyes fall out or my scalp puss up.  I am definitely not advocating the misuse or abuse of animals, but in a way, I'd feel a little better if they'd lather up a chimp or bunny with it before I put it on my head.  In lieu of that, can we at least run it past some child molesters or granny rapists or mother killers on death row?  Something? 

Still hungry.  Remembered I didn't take my hydroxycut and I'm waiting for it to kick in.  I'm fairly sure it's emotional eating, but other than the extreme fatigue, I can't place what it would be except the old "what I deserve!" hissy fit from my body.  I can't imagine a time that I would ever speak about food dispassionately.  I am a very sensory person and taste is one of my favorites, not to mention that wonderful feeling of being instantly filled and nurtured.  *aaahhhh*  Eating is passion.  Eating is instant gratification.  No matter.  I can definitely do it this time and will. 

Turned on E! at 9am to settle into some lurid "Mysteries and Scandals" with the deliciously Elliot Nessish AJ Benza.  Found that it has been replaced out with a more current mystery and scandal, the Robert "Of Course I Frickin Did It And I'm Guilty As OJ" Blake preliminary hearing.  I also noted that using the term "gross findings" in regard to an autopsy is just funny.  I think once you start cutting, just about any findings in relation to an autopsy are probably gross.  Oh Baretta...what have you done, you joikoff?

Those stupid pictures on the table still vex me.  I worked on them for a couple of hours last night and ended up getting a lot of them into frames BUT still have to sort thousands of kid pics.  I've got them down to who is who, but now have to go into chronological order and then into albums.  I also have three giant frames to mat and fill with cool family pics.  I'm down to gallon ziploc bags sorted into:  Me, Eric, Joe, David, Josh, Delena, Dylan, Nathan, pics of the first 3 together in 2's or 3's, pics of the last 3 together in 2's or 3's, houses we lived in places we've visited, pets, friends, miscellaneous inanimate objects and extended family I missed putting into the album.  I actually found two pictures, both take around 1986, one of Eric, age 10 or so, playing baseball for the Giants and one of my son Joe, age 9 or so, playing baseball for the Giants.  Of course, Eric was in LA, CA (an East Coast boy temporarily transplanted by divorce) and Joe was in Victorville, CA, but still interesting.  After I clean the house, I'll get busy on the pics. I figure I've got another good 2-3 sessions on it to go (at least).  THEN comes the hanging of many, many frames of different sizes into a huge composite picture Wall o' Love.  I have a giant tapestry of Instanbul in my bedroom that will be moved to the giant blank spot behind my bed and replaced out by many of the frames.  I'll take pics of the final product to show you.

Crap.  Delena wants chicken soup.  Damn.  That would be good.

Perspective is everything, I guess.

Spent the morning getting the budget set for the next two months and it's close, but not undoable. (My trip to see Brett Butler with The Hut on Saturday will be my last splurge for a while, it appears unless the miracles rain down on me in glorious warm drops - which I fully welcome.)  I'm just so grateful to have the money to pay the bills we have!  Fortunately, ours aren't as bad as they were since we've been whittling them down one at a time.  It has taken about four months after Eric resumed work after his 3 month layoff, but we're slowing getting all of the overdue amounts of each of the bills paid up and pared down to regular payments.  (This is the point where he usually loses his job again, so I'm covering myself with tons of prosperity and protection.)

Anyway, time for me to get going on the house and be a productive citizen of the world instead of plying myself with Diet Coke trying to wake up while I fantasize about biscuits and such.  I like food.  So sue me already.  Food is GOOD and I'm not eager to see it as my enemy... just as something that I need to balance and moderate.  I know that getting rid of the carbs for a while will help me bring that under control.  That does not, however, keep it from sucking.  This is just what works best for me.  *sigh*  About 12 more days and we ease in a few low glycemic carbs and up the exercising again.  It's a process, but I'm really going to do it this time and work into a program that I can live with forever without feeling robbed.  For me, it's not a matter of feeling like this is something outside of my control or beyond my means to handle.  For me, it's not some giant *bad* that I need to see as external from myself and beyond my own choices..  For me, it's not a disease, it's an ultimate choice that I make in the moment between picking up the food and putting it in my mouth or getting on the treadmill and sitting on my ass.  I fully accept that I'm fat because I chose to eat because I chose not to go past the instant gratification process.  I don't see that as weakness, just as a series of choices that I made.  In some way, it would be easier for me to make this much more dramatic and scary than me just making choices.  In some ways, it's harder.  For myself, I just don't see it that way.  Simply put, now I just make different choices and deal with the fall out of those choices from the past.    No great drama.  No great mystery.  No great demons.  Just choices to do something different in favor of a more positive long term goal instead of a short term satisfaction.

Blessings to all of you and please, if you get a chance, take a nap (and eat some homemade bread) for me.

Love,