Dishin the soaps with the Eye on Soaps Co-webmaster, Katrina Rasbold

March 12, 2003

Necessary disclaimer:  These are not
spoilers.  This is a narrative of how *I*
would fix GH if I had the power to do so.
Please don't write to remind me of how
these storylines are not feasible.  If you
are moved to do that, then you just don't get it.

With apologies to Julie Sussman, et al., who wrote a great book that you can purchase here and whose cover I borrowed because well, it just worked so well as a graphic and I couldn't find Julie's e-mail addy to ask permission. I'll take it down if she wants to pitch a fuss about it, no problem.

Well, crap.  As a metaphor for my life, I stood back for a while to see if anyone else was going to take care of business here and the result is that I'm STILL seeing the same indigestible crap on my screen.  Since dumping the show isn't an option, I guess I'm going to have to fix the damned thing myself.  Lord, where to start?

Oh well.  Let's just roll up our sleeves and start doctoring this patient before it flatlines beyond return.  You scrub in with me and I'll claim the OR.  We can't let our friend die without putting up a fight.  We might disagree about the course of treatment as we go along, but overall, I think we can bring it back to life.  (How I went from cleaning lady to gifted surgeon in one paragraph is a true Cinderella story, but let's not waste time pondering it).

First thing we have to do is obviously, clear the canvas.  Nobody stands a chance until there's more air(time) for the rest of the cast to breathe.  I understand that actors in daytime are paid per episode, so I'm sure financially, the oft shown dream team has no complaints, but surely, surely, even they can see that there's something very, very wrong with building an entire show around 20% of the cast.  So clear away we do!

Let's just make everyone happy at once, shall we?  Carly goes for her prenatal appointment and there's no way the baby could be Ric's, even if they did sleep together, which they didn't, because !!OH MY GOD!! the baby is actually full term and Carly's 90% effaced, 5 centimeters dilated and the baby is at +1 station!  While she's being examined !kapow! to their shock, her membranes rupture and she goes into active labor while they contemplate how, HOW it could have happened!!  The nurse observes that Sonny weighs about a buck sixty dripping wet and Carly goes about 98 pounds, so hey, it's not like they're going to crank out a twelve pound Michelin Man baby.  They've had a VERY stressful year and hey, she must have been pregnant with a small, quiet baby that she'd carried way up in her back and neck and such and so what?  We've got a VERY healthy baby now so let's not wear it out, we've got a baby to deliver!  We get a couple of scenes of comical and heartwarming labor with Sonny attempting to "coach" Carly and Carly giving into the throes of hormones and endorphins and multiple peak contractions coming too fast for an epidural.  Push push push and we have a beee-yootiful, tiny, extremely healthy baby girl!  But what to name her???  I know the CCF's and S&C folks have cast their lot, but I'm voting on Adela Jean.  The happy couple takes their perfect baby home to meet Mikie and Leticia.  Even better!!  As they are counting their blessings and tearfully smiling at one another, they decide to take the children on a world cruise to get away from it all.  Carly tells Leticia to pack up Reginald and get ready for a year off work.  Since Michael would be traumatized for Leticia to be completely gone, she and Reginald are going to join them on the cruise (with no obligation to babysit even once, but only visit as she and Michael desire).  Bliss.  Heaven.  Joy throughout the Corinthos land.

OK, so they're handled.  Next, as we listening to the chirping of the crickets in the silence that encompasses the sudden void left in the show as Sonny and Carly leave, we consider how to fill the hour each day.  That means we need more stories.  Whip out your pen and let's get busy making General Hospital fun again.

So what to do about this picture?  Granted, there are some people out there who really enjoy Journey, but for once, we're going with majority rules.  I'm sorry.  They have to go.  I've got plans for both of them. 

I had it in my mind to send Jason away because he's been corrupted in so many ways.  I can't see him with Liz now unless there's one hell of a long haul involved.  They could come back from Zander, but Courtney, I'm not so sure.  Too much bad writing under the bridge.  I could get behind it later but not just yet.  Loved them together when he came back, but it's just too icky now, so I have to figure out what to do with these three.  First, in tandem with his revelation to Courtney that he really can feel, Jason admits that he also remembers everything about med school etc, but he chose to be a mobster because he loves the cut and dried, dog eat dog (so THAT'S what happened to Annabelle and Foster!), tit for tat, "survival of the fittest" world of organized crime.  It makes sense to him and he's good at it.  After a tearful make-up session with Sonny where Sonny apologizes for attempting to deny Jason the love and family that he himself has, Jason agrees to take over management of Sonny's territory while Sonny is away on the cruise (on the "safe luxury liner," as opposed to the "safe house.").  Courtney buys slutty clothes and takes over as mob moll of Port Charles, or so she believes.  After a particularly volatile encounter in which Jason totally pisses off Faith Roscoe, she sends one of her misfiring lackies gunning for Jason.  Given their knack for hitting the wrong target (or no target at all), the shooter hits Rosie, the dog (awwww) and then fleas (get it?  fleas?  shoots the dog, then the fleas?) I mean, flees.  Jason is faced with a screaming Courtney and the sticky decision to either stay and save Rosie's life with emergency kitchen surgery or chase down the shooter.  Since he already figured out who hired the shooter, he goes to work on Rosie with a serrated steak knife, a cork screw and a shoe horn. Soon, our favorite canine is up and around, barking merrily with tail wagging.  Although Jason made the right choice when he decided to treat Rosie instead of chasing down the gunman, Courtney realizes that she can't continue to put her puppy in the line of fire and tearfully bids Jason farewell.

But that's OK, because when Jason gets to yon thinking bridge and is pondering Life, The Universe and Everything, he sees a familiar face and figure dart away.  Intrigued, he gets Johnny (Pfft, of course he's back!  You thought maybe not??  ANYway!) to follow and report back.  Carly?  Isn't she away with Sonny?  WTF?  As it turns out, it's not Carly at all.  I mean, it is, but it's the REAL Carly, Carly Roberts, best friend of our Carly, who has come looking for the person who stole her name!  To get even, Carly is now going by Caroline Benson.  Jason gets to know her (letting her know that Our Carly is on a cruise) and the two have a powerful chemistry.  Since Caroline has no family and no animals, the two rule Port Charles Badlands together in a tight-fisted, albeit quiet supreme leadership.  Sadly, an unfortunate bicycling accident left Caroline unable to bear children, so we won't have any babies in the line of fire.  Look for the sparks to fly when Carly returns from her cruise to find Jason cuddled up with her best friend/arch enemy, Caroline!!

But what of Courtney?  OH man, am I ever going to draw fire from the GH fundies on this one.  I think it would be awesome if she and AJ were to find their way back together.  She really, really is the only one who ever understood him and loved him completely.  He's just, well, kinda jacked up in the head.  So here's what happens.  Courtney moves into Kelly's after she and Jason break up.  Her best buddy, Carly, leaves her in charge of The Cellar during her cruise and she makes it a tremendous success.  Jason still holds a soft spot in his pants... wait, in his HEART for her and keeps the place safe without her even having to pay protection money.  One day, as she is taking the night deposit to the bank, she is accosted by two nameless/faceless thugs who will be compensated for their 27 seconds of screen time before AJ just totally kicks their asses all over Port Charles.  Courtney sees AJ in a whole new light and agrees to have dinner with him the next night.  The woo begins and they are wooed and then they are re-wed in an opulent ceremony and on their wedding night ah!!  Courtney happily tells AJ that they're expecting a baby.  AJ is a changed man.  He lets go of his obsession with what Sonny and Carly and Michael are up to and settles into bliss.  He begins to experience some anger issues, but after an appearance on the Dr Phil show, he comes to terms with the control he has over his life and lets go of his childhood issues and anger.  So those two are packed away.

This is where it gets really complicated and weird, so you're going to have to follow carefully.  Here's how it goes.  Felicia finds out that Robert is still alive and goes to look for him.  She doesn't tell Mac because she doesn't want to get his hopes up.  She does indeed track Robert down, only to find he's being held hostage by Cesar Faison.  Faison accidentally kills her while (again) trying to seduce her (she convinces him that she really came looking for HIM, she tries to kill him, but since Felicia is often a screw up at such things, he's onto her and they struggle and she falls out a window in a hail of broken glass and girlly screams.  Hey, Kristina Wagner wants to go and I want to send her out in a blaze of glory instead of the whimper she was given under Guza's hand.  Now, when Felicia doesn't come back, Bobbie (yes, she has screen time) gives Mac an envelope Felicia entrusted to her containing all of the info she has on the Robert connection, along with detailed info on how she's proceeding.  Mac goes after Robert, finds out about Felicia ("NOOOOO!"), professes his love to her corpse which Faison has morbidly dressed in that white, fluffy, chiffon thing and placed in a bed of white, filmy luvvvv.  She's not totally putrid yet, but hey, she's pretty damned dead.  Vows to avenge her, etc.  He finds Robert in a moving, intense scene, offers to punch him out to make things even and they escape back to Port Charles with Faison in tow under arrest.

THEN, in a town not so far away, David Hayward applies for the Chief of Staff position left abandoned by Jake Martin's thoughtless and reckless flight from accountability.   Unfortunately, Joe Martin has designs on reclaiming the coveted cushy chair as well.   Tad takes exception to David vying for the job with his shady past and when he comes upon the info that David is still working on his experimental meds, he blackmails David into going to Joe, conceding the race for the throne and asking Joe for a job reference.  Joe tells David that in fact, his friend Alan Quartermaine has an opening on the staff of General Hospital to head up their "Special Research With a Side in Surgery" department and if he's interested, Joe will give him a sterling recommendation.  David is elated.  Anna is enjoying being home with little Leora and together, they move to PC. 

Anna is surprised to find Robert alive and well.  He didn't bother contacting her because he knew she'd gotten on with her life and was happy with David.  Painful, longing looks.  A guest appearance by Kim McCullough as Robin to meet her little sister and reunite with Mom and Dad is mandatory.  David becomes miffed at the bond between Anna and Robert, although in their eyes, nothing is going on.  He is drawn to a dynamic doctor on the hospital staff, Monica Quartermaine and they begin a hot affair.  Anna finds out about it and breaks it off with David.  Robert comforts her and the two ultimately declare their undying and persevering love for one another.  They remarry. 



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