March 27, 2003

Baby, I'm Blue

I'm not even completely sure why.  I know there are some components to it, but damn, I'm down!  Not suicidal or even close to depressed... just down.

We found out yesterday that my brother (NOT the nice one) refused to sign the paper to appoint my Uncle executor of my mother's estate.  This complicates things immensely and just proves what an ass he is.  He is determined to get more than his third of the inheritance at best and to stall out the resolution of the probate at worst, which definitely works in his favor because he wants to stay in the family house.  So regardless, it works for him to have things not run smoothly and get tied up in court.  Meanwhile, my uncle, who isn't well in the first place, is having to run all over heaven and earth and talk to lawyers and file papers and meanwhile, listen to Al say things like, "I took care of her [my mom] raggedy ass for 5 years, I deserve everything she had."  He says this about a woman who not only let him live in her house rent free (without her in it, she moved to get away from him and his mess), but paid all of his bills and let him have access to her checking account to buy things for himself... while she lived solely on her social security.  Some people just don't deserve to breathe.

Which is what brings me to the main part of what is bugging me.  I've read Wayne Dyer.  I've read Deepak.  I've read Marianne Williamson.  I've read Redfield.  I've been an "in tune" kind of person for almost 2 decades and particularly working on it for the past 5-6 years.  I definitely want to be a better person.  I want to live as they do with that omnipresent feeling that we are all as one and the least of us is as significant as the most of us and we are all God's children and we should hold hands and sing Kum Ba Ya and live in harmony.  I want it.  I don't have it.  I've tried.  I've almost seen it for a minute.  But I'm just not there.  Sage is really close to being there and I talked to him about it and he "gets it" a lot more than I do.  He really does love people across the board.  No one has to prove themselves with Sage.  He loves everyone just because they're here and he's more than willing to smile and laugh and reach out to them.  He does get agitated with people who are really mean and hypercritical and negative and can definitely turn away from folks when need be, but he extends himself first, then continues to give people the benefit of the doubt until he realizes it just ain't working.

I'm very judgmental.  I don't like that about myself and try to remain more open minded and open hearted, but I have to confess that I get extremely frustrated with people who constantly refuse to fix the situation they're bitching about.  For instance, I have a friend who is the eternal victim.  At work, in her love life and amongst her friends, people are always taking advantage of her and she's forever complaining about it.   She goes to bars, gives men her phone number, then complains that they stalk her.  She gets together with men over the internet and is then upset that they IM her constantly, but won't block them.  She doesn't want to hurt their feelings.  For 17 years, I've watched her experience the same problems, over and over and over.  The same man, over and over and over with a different face each time, so at any time, she's running them in triplicate.  Men turn out to be married, to be involved with other women on the side, to be looking for a free ride...  And she can never stand to hurt their feelings by getting rid of them.  And she complains endlessly about how horrible they are to her.  Obviously, as Dr Phil says, there is a payoff and hers is attention.  She gets people saying, "Oh, that's TERRIBLE and offering her lots of sympathy and love and telling her how she deserves better.  The thing is, I just can't watch it any more.  It hurts too much to see these people taking advantage of her and to see her laying down on the ground, inviting them to walk on her.  On the other hand, shouldn't I be a good enough friend to be there for her, to understand that we all have issues and demons and challenges?  On the other hand, isn't that just enabling the problem by condoning it?  I've told her straight out, "I need for you to take better care of my friend."  Now she has a boyfriend who was homeless and jobless who has moved into her house within a short time of them being together.  She tells me how she didn't want to live with him, didn't want to have him under foot, wasn't ready for that step in the relationship BUT... she didn't want to hurt his feelings.  So now, there he is.   The last one who repeatedly lied to and cheated on her still calls constantly, begging her to marry him immediately.  He won't go away. . . because she won't tell him to and mean it.  Because she won't call the police.  Drama drama drama.  I love her very, very much but it just hurts too much to be in her world.

I have another friend who is in a very emotionally abusive situation.  The guy is fine for days or weeks, but then will just snap and start berating and attacking her, even going so far as to leave her in another state so that she had to find her own way home.  He has thrown things at her, called her disgusting names, accused her of incredible atrocities and threatened her.  She loves him.  She won't leave.  That's just the way she is.  Maybe that's why I don't keep many friends close to me.  I'm too judgmental.  It hurts too much to see what they do to themselves. 

So I don't quite know what to do with that.  It does get easier to close doors as one gets older.  There is a fine line between discernment and discrimination.  I am not sure if I'm walking it or falling to one side.

One of  the challenges Eric and I have faced having such an age difference (15 year span) is the different paces of life at two very different points in life, if that makes any sense at all.  When you're 26, you're running toward something, which is your future.  You're so excited that the best of life is ahead and you are rushing headlong into what is to come.  It's a very proactive time when you ache for the things that haven't happened yet and lust for the life that is to be.  Every day must be a rush of activity and accomplishment and creation.  When you're 41, you're no longer running toward something, you're already there.  At 25, you're "becoming"... at 41, you're "being. "  At 41, you're experiencing the best of life and you want to savor every moment.  You become intensely aware of the beauty around you, the joy of life and the experience of living.  Moments seem to slip away by the handsful, much faster than you can keep track of them.  Moments become months become years and you get that "where did it go?" feeling.  You think of something that happened and realize it was years ago instead of last year like you thought.  You look at your dog and realize she's 17.  Objects in the rear view mirror definitely appear closer than they really are.  When you get older, the map scale changes and an inch is no longer a ten miles, it's ten feet and you're moving faster than you ever imagined.

I'm so grateful that we were able to work it out and find a happy medium.  I look at my husband once in a while and remember that he wore underoos.  He looks at me and remembers that I really, really could have been at Woodstock or a Beatles concert.  The thing is, if you find a good one, the age difference can work.  He keeps me young, that's for sure.  His enthusiasm is infectious and he always makes me laugh.  Well, most of the time.  I can definitely advocate the older woman, younger man connection.  Something just seems to fit provided they are balanced and fit well in their skin.  Besides, we out live the old ones and unless they're rich, that just sucks.  If you get a young one, please, for your safety and theirs, make sure they're ripe before you pick them.  You're too damned old to be supporting someone while they get their band off the ground.  You're too long in the tooth to be carrying hoagies out to your husband and his friends while they slay dragons and pull weapons of mass destruction from their "bag of holding" while kicking a halfling around.  When you shop in Jr Men's section, be discerning.  Some of the legal ones have to be thrown back to grow a little.  If you find one who's settled beyond their years and can appreciate and respect what an older woman has to offer over the bobble-headed bimbos out there, you've really stuck gold.  They usually have amassed a minimum of baggage (if they are already trunk and suitcase laden in their early twenties, carefully back away and mumble something about a cake in the oven before leaving little roadrunner zings in the air where you used to be) and are open to being molding into pleasing shapes.  Be sure you find one who already has a foot in the door of a career so you don't have to baby their dumb ass through med school or a series of bullshit jobs before they start taking care of you.  Again, you're too old for that crap.  Sex is also great because they figure they have to live up to the men (in their mind, the grown up real men) you've had in your life before who have been out of high school considerably longer.  With girls their own age, they know they're either on a list so short there's not much comparing going on or a list so long that you're just a number midway through.      BEWARE THE IN-LAWS!!  They are NOT your allies until you win them over, usually long after the marriage and possibly even requiring the production of a child to solidify things and let them know you aren't planning on giving up easily.  That is another avenue to consider: children.  Most younger men want them and don't have them, so you'll likely end up with one of those change of life babies (or two) and lemme tell ya, it ain't for the weak of heart nor aching of back.  Somewhere in the late thirties, the old body kind of laughs and says, "You want me to WHAT?"  When you're 25, wearing a three-year-old like a wet suit is cute and cuddly.  When you're 40, you want to set fire to yourself to make it stop.

Young Man:  Want to go for thirds?
Older Man:  Again?  Didn't we already do that this month?  I think there's a Matlock rerun on.  What?  Last month.  Pfft.  OK, let me get the viagra and pocket pump.  *heavy sigh*

Young Man:  Let's go CAMPING!!! (not a good thing)
Old Man:  Hyatt or Hilton, honey?

Young Man:  "I LOVE kids!!!"
Old Man:  "I've already raised my kids and I'm done with that."

Young Man:  I can fix that, noooo problem!
Old Man:  I'll call someone tomorrow.  (then they can't remember)

Young Man:  Just pay the bills and let me know how it goes, I'm used to having an allowance.
Old Man:  Benny, my accountant, will give you a couple dollars of mad money after the child support is paid.

Young Man:  Let's buy a house!  Pick one out!
Old Man:  Let's get a condo... I already gave two wives houses and I can't afford to give another one away.

Choose your poison... but choose... wisely.

Night night, folks,
 

Good God, She's Verbose!  There's More!