April 22, 2003

This isn't going to be a very long one (how many times have I heard that and it never bodes well) today.  I've got tons of stuff to do and while it would be much more fun to sit upon my ample ass and ruminate and answer the WAY overdue e-mails and tweak up the site and change off the long outdated front pages and such, I'm far behind on the essentials of the house (like laundry).  Not sure how people still are managing to mine clothes to wear, but somehow, no one is naked yet.

It is absolutely amazing the ways of the universe.  I've been feeling a sense of streamlining and pruning and clarifying lately and belatedly, I realize that's where my since of stillness and pulling back comes from.  I'd forgotten that when the universe is taking a hand in sorting out my life, I have an automatic reaction to pull back and let it happen, then emerge later to take inventory.  It wasn't always this way.  I used to fight change fiercely and battle it out, usually winding up bloodied on the battleground with the change occurring anyway.  Any more, I just pull the covers around me and say, "Pfft, whatever.  Go for it and wake me when you're done."  I hadn't put together all of the shifting of friends and acquaintances with my atypical pulled back mood until this morning when I was snoozing on the couch.  I didn't sleep well last night.  I was cold and couldn't get warm even though I was under a big mink blanket with a heating pad.  Cold and I just don't get along and I couldn't shake it.  Eric and I are separate sleepers and always have been.  Since he was always single before we married and I spent a lot of years as a divorced mom, we were both used to sleeping alone and never got into the cuddle sleep.  It's more like cuddle, cuddle, love you, kiss, opposite sides of our (VERY big) bed.  He likes to sleep with a top sheet and I like to be right under the soft blanket, so we even have separate linens.  He has one mink blanket, I have another and he has his own top sheet.

Anyway, now that you know way too much about the Rasbolds, I should venture on to tell you that if you ever get a chance to get a latex mattress, they are just wonderful.  I thought I was hooked on waterbeds until Eric brought this home.  We'd just gotten married and I said, "Go find a bed for us."  This was before I'd learned he never does anything half way and when he took me back to the shop and asked me to pick from the 100 or so beds there the one he'd chosen.  It only took a few minutes.  The cast iron bed with all of the handholds and footholds.  LOL.  It's absolutely lovely.  He also got the latex mattress that was, in 1997, the best mattress you could buy and it's still completely comfy.  It came with a 20 year warranty and of course, the company went out of business after about 3 years.  Figures.  I value sleep very, very much and normally, I'm quite good at it, which is what threw me off last night.  No one else seemed uncomfortable, but I'd been feeling sick earlier, so maybe I was just processing some transient bug.  Eric stopped off and got potato soup to go for me from Black Angus and it was warm and nurturing and filling.  

Today, I'm cleaning house and doing laundry and trying to shake off the nasties. 

But like I was saying, I'm having this feeling like I can see the universe moving people to where they need to be to make the pattern work.  They're getting nudged to move to this location or take this job or change this or that in their life.  It's fascinating to watch.  It's also interesting to watch how people react to those nudges.  It's very interesting to see how ego gets tied up in the process and causes people to insist on doing things their way when they are clearly being shown a different way.  Usually, they end up sitting in a mud puddle crying about how things never go right for them and wondering why the universe is beating them up.  It's hard to watch someone go through that and I can only imagine what I put my loved ones through when I was in the same situation.  I guess it's just time and age and life experience that shows that if you do it the way life is taking you to start with, you get a lot less beaten up and get where you were going faster and more smoothly.  It's like a roller coaster ride.  You are on a track, going to one destination that is your fate.  You can either get there by sitting down, holding on, keeping your hands and feet inside the car and leaning with the dips and turns and thrills along the way or you can fight against the restraints, feel like you know best, stand up, lean out of the car, panic and have a fit and get the crap beaten out of you.  Either way, it's one hell of a ride.  I'm one of the few Pagan folks who doesn't subscribe to the theory that we have free will.  Sure we have free will.  We can do it Their way and have a great ride and be in wonderful shape when we get there, exhilarated and ready to do it again or we can have free will, fight against the ride, get beaten to hell, maybe even (shit!) break the ride and end up in the same place terrified, angry and cursing the whole process. 

I've been very proud of my friends who have really stepped up to the plate and boldly made the changes (sometimes pretty profound ones) without question and jump empty-handedly into the void.  I worry for the ones who are still struggling with their ego issues and fighting against the ride to get what they want or think they need out of life.  It's all a matter of throwing one switch, the one of control.  Resounding in my ears are the words I heard in my head when I was going through some of my most profound life changes.  "Will you sacrifice everything for a promise of nothing?"  Sometimes you have to just let it all go to get it to work out even better than you could have ever imagined.  I think that we are so limited by what we think we want or need.  For so long, all I ever thought I wanted was for Paul to get his right mind back and come back to put our family together again.  The dysfunction we lived in was familiar and the pride I felt in how long we'd been together and how far we'd come flew in the face of the idea that we might be better apart.  I fought and fought against it and raged at the universe.  When I finally let go, I was given a life and a love I couldn't have previously had imagined.  I didn't have the components in my experience to even know such a thing could even exist.  Most of the time, when our lives are out of sync and one thing after another is going wrong, it's because there's some place in our life (or 9-10 places) where we aren't listening to what we're being told to do or else we're listening and intentionally not following through because we are sure we know better about what we need. When we surrender and listen to what our spirit is saying, it takes us exactly where we need to go, no matter now strange the advice might seem.

It would be easy for all of this to be parroting psychobabble metaphysical mumbo jumbo, but baby, I've been there and the difference in results of the two approaches is seriously profound.

And with that, the universe is urging me to get my damned house clean before it's condemned and there are a pile of naked people in front of a very nice boarded up house.  :)

Peace and calm and blessings to all of you,

Good God, She's Verbose!  There's More!
 

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